Petty thing I'm fucked off about.

[HeIsAVeryBadBoy]

I've got my sd (8) here this week and she told me earlier that whenever she tells her mum things that I've told her, her mum pulls all sorts of faces and says horrible things about me.

I mean, it's extremely childish and I'm taken aback by it if I'm honest. I got together with DH two years after they split up (and it was her choice to split up). I don't know adults who behave like this.

I'm spending my week off and my money on her child and she's trying to cause upset. In a similar vein, as soon as I came on the scene, she started rekindling her relationships with all of DH's family, and suddenly had loads of dramas that she needed his help with.

What am I supposed to do about this exactly? I feel like it won't be the last time. And what's her bloody problem!? Argh!!!

Apologies for the randomness of this post, it's late, I'm tired, DH is asleep. Thought id unload to the wise hive-mind of MN.

Your SD is 8 and a bit daft (no filter), they don’t realise that the things they repeat will upset you. If she hadn’t told you, you would be none the wiser and would be having a nice week with SD next week, so do that, then when SD goes home, you can be proud you had a nice time with her and make her life happy regardless of what stupid faces her mother might pull. Your SD is the important one.

She is @Tinty, 100%.

I guess I'm just suddenly worried that her mum is on some sort of campaign to make her daughter dislike me. And there's just no need. I'm doing the best I can and she (sd) loves me and follows me about everywhere. Horrible to think her mum is being spiteful about me to her. I don't want any of it to start rubbing off on sd. I guess it inevitably might though.

then when SD goes home, you can be proud you had a nice time with her and make her life happy

This resonated @Tinty That's absolutely true. She's really badly behaved when she's at home because she's neglected. But when she's here, she's good as gold because I do loads with her. So I know it's a good happy time and nice memories for her. That's the important bit.

I am constantly going through similar with my DSD's mum. Ridiculously petty things, and usually following a weekend or day where DSD has had a really lovely day with us.

The things she does still niggle me, but I have to remind myself that she is the one feeling insecure. Like Tinty said, make sure your DSD knows you support and love her, and try not to be tempted to retaliate in any way xx

It’s not petty, in the sense that the ex is creating loyalty issues. However your relationship with DSD is obviously good. So it’s not really having that effect. For that, I raise my hat to you. That’s amazing. And it’s a reflection of who you are and what you have created with DSD.

For Dsd, be sure to have a bland-but-stock reply for your dsd, along the lines of ‘I wonder why she does that..’ to ensure DSD feels secure and not torn and continues to be open and processes for herself what’s going on.

For you - let go of this crap though. It’s stuff you can’t control. It’s also often the lot of the step mum, though, not respected by the ex yet pulling out all the stops. It’s a tough gig.

for you

In a similar vein, as soon as I came on the scene, she started rekindling her relationships with all of DH's family.
I can relate to this - so irritating and also so obvious - one of DSC’s mum’s favourites, as well as strengthening or kindling links with people that she knows we socialise with with the DSCs. It can feel suffocating but hopefully the effort will wear off over time - and I just try to do my best to ignore and leave her to it although it’s hard.
Sounds like you’re developing a good bond with DSD in spite of any attempted undermining though. It’s tough to rise above but there’s not much else you can do without inflaming the situation - which unfortunately would likely negatively impact on you and your bond with DSD.

Rise above it.

If DSS keeps mentioning this say nothing to him but ask your DH to have a quiet work with him, explaining he doesn’t need to pass on this information.

Then just tune it out. She is clearly jealous and juvenile and will delight in seeing a reaction from you.

DH and I have never, ever said anything bad or pulled faces when talking about DSC’s mother in front of them. Even when she was behaving really terribly, using children as weapons and creating endless unnecessary problems, all while demanding a steady stream of extra money. It wasn’t easy but it’s the right thing to do.

Now is the prefect time to let SD know that conversations that take place in mom's house should stay in mom's house. Indeed she is not to young to learn to not carry tales between any households.

My children know that they can discuss any topic with both their father and myself. Their father and I get along well together, but they also know not to carry tales between households. That is a part of them learning to respect themselves and others.

The mom like the daughter may have no appropriate filters. She may just not think much of your opinions or pov. After the daughter 's disclosure, you probably do not think much of her pov.

Let this pass , it is not much of an issue.

As to her relationship and interaction with your partner's family, it is up to them to relate or not relate to her as they see fit. There is no reason for you to have any say about any relationships that they have with anyone. Nor should they have any say in your relationships with others.

My ex husband's mother will often take .my ex's wife and myself out to lunch at the same time. She calls us both her daughters, and we both think of her as family. I also often have lunch with my ex's wife; we share friends and common interest. Not all relationships among divorced families are acrimonious.

Unfortunately this is life for lots of step mums, you need a thick skin! Be careful with what you say as DSS probably repeats it to her Mum. She’s only 8 and certainly won’t understand it would cause upset to either of you. If you are after any kind of appreciation or respect from DSD mother then you won’t get it. Best to try and ignore it and just change the conversation with DSD if she says anything again.

My partners ex pulls faces when my name is mentioned and makes comments. I couldn’t care less what she thinks about me but it enrages me that she is happy to make her children feel like shit because of her own insecurities. I think allowing your children to have a positive relationship with their other parents new partners without the burden and guilt of loyalty binds is one of the most amazing things you can do as a parent in a step family. I hate that I know his children, who I get on well with, trip over their words trying to cover up mentioning that we’ve done something together.

My ex husband's mother will often take .my ex's wife and myself out to lunch at the same time. She calls us both her daughters, and we both think of her as family. I also often have lunch with my ex's wife; we share friends and common interest. Not all relationships among divorced families are acrimonious.

Wow, that's seriously impressive! Hats off to you.

In response to others, I will rise above it. But I guess I just feel like she's finding ways to manipulate others around me and I've no control over that. I couldn't care less what she thinks of me (she doesn't know me and I'm not on social media so she can't even snoop) so her opinion is extraneous to me.

But the way she suddenly buddied up to his family when he started seeing me (expressing concern at his new relationship btw - along inverted snobbery lines. His family and hers are very working class. Mine - and my lifestyle - is not. I don't care about this but I know from his family that she was stoking concern that we weren't 'right' for each other) , and now that I'm developing a relationship with her children I can see her trying to undermine it... Its disheartening. I haven't done a thing wrong. It's so playground and it surprises me how much its upset me.

Great advice from everybody, thank you. I think I'll mention that we don't carry tales from household to household.

eurgh.

Why can't grown ups be grown up.

It sounds like it comes down to jealousy, my DH has an ex that seems much less of a total B word when she has a boyfriend, but the minute she is single she seems so spiteful again.

She seems to find it hard dealing with the fact that someone she thought wasn't worth being with his happy and she isn't.

My advise/opinion and what I tell DH is that all we can do is behave how we would want the little ones to, and emulate the people we wish the mothers would, I wish she would prompt a phone call to his dad, I wish she would talk positively about his life here, but she doesn't.

Tempting to bite back, but we all know that kids should be put in the middle, so it's a losing battle and not what's best. She'd only find something else to say or think.
The step children will know how you make them feel, and eventually all that will happen is your SD won't want to talk about things with her mother because she knows that that is what will happen, meaning her mother will miss out, not you.

That's not to say it doesn't royally cheese me off when I hear what has been said, insinuated or done at his other home, however, he loves his mum and I therefore have to shrug it off and say, 'oh well - everyone has a different opinion' or something of that ilk.

*kids shouldn't be put in the middle.

ooops, typo in my post

How is she neglected?
If she really is being neglected has her dad made plans to fight for a lot more custody through the court system?

@HeIsAVeryBadBoy

then when SD goes home, you can be proud you had a nice time with her and make her life happy

This resonated @Tinty That's absolutely true. She's really badly behaved when she's at home because she's neglected. But when she's here, she's good as gold because I do loads with her. So I know it's a good happy time and nice memories for her. That's the important bit.

Sounds like mum is jealous as (for whatever reason) you're outshining her at parenting.

What does your OH say about it?

Please read the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" your DSC is trying to make sense of things probably their own conflicting emotions.

Reflective listening and letting them be heard is really important for them to work out the "truth" of what is going on for themselves.

My partners ex posions their kids against me, I hear it all the time. It doesn't help that his ex is bestfriends with his sister. I've had it all. I'm still finding it difficult after years unfortunately.

Does it really matter if she pulls faces or says mean things about you (if it’s true - SD could have noticed tension and be looking to see your reaction to fibs). Keep your head high and ignore.