Support for step parents at Christmas

[AnxiousSM]

Just a note / thread for step parents finding Christmas really hard, you’re not alone.
It’s the most difficult time, you’re not horrible for not wanting the drama and difficulties, it’s normal. Try and get through it however you can. Remember you matter too, it’s your Christmas too.

Hope it’s as peaceful as it can be and you have a good one.

Ah, that’s really nice. I wonder if this board is actually getting better for stepmums.

Yep,stepmums - word up - it’s your Christmas too! Get through it however you can. For me it’s a case of ‘gin and bear it’

Have a peaceful one

Thank you. I’m struggling today.

Their mum (kids live with her) isn’t sticking to her Tier 4 rules, putting their kids at high risk, and I’m worried about them being in my house.

Trying not to kill my ‘D’H for lying to me.

Wishing I was single right now, and only been married 18 months.

I'm not a step mum anymore, but when all else failed, I took a blanket and a basket of festive food, and drove up onto the ridgeway to get away from them all.

I spent the day reading, listening to the radio in peace, except for a passing policeman who came to check I was ok and shared a mince pie.

Happy Christmas.

That’s really nice; it sounds too selfish to say to anyone in real life life but DH is gutted not to be seeing DSD due to her mum kicking up a fuss with covid (completely understandable etc etc) but it’s hard that it then impacts on my Christmas and our DC

A message of positivity, it does get better in time.

We are 11 years down the road and life is easy now, DSS is older (just 18) but it’s been a lot easier the past 4/5 years since he’s been able to express his own opinion.

I hope you’re all keeping yourselves as happy as you can be. I’ve been sat in that car with the radio, my phone and a few mince pies to escape the lies and the intolerable double standards in previous years. They get older and the challenges are different, if I had my choice again I’d never do it. @Bookaholic73 you’re not alone, you’ll get through this.

@AnxiousSM

I hope you’re all keeping yourselves as happy as you can be. I’ve been sat in that car with the radio, my phone and a few mince pies to escape the lies and the intolerable double standards in previous years. They get older and the challenges are different, if I had my choice again I’d never do it. *@Bookaholic73* you’re not alone, you’ll get through this.

Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

‘D’H has now taken them home, so I get some peace for a bit.
Turns out their mum had a massive go at DH this morning for not going into her house to get the kids up and dressed before he took them.
He had 4 other households in her house, 2 of which had positive COVID cases.

Plus 1 of my kids is immune compromised at the moment.
So he had to stay upstairs a lot today, and DH knew this would be the case, yet he still picked his kids up.

Problem is, his kids are lovely, and I’d hate for him to be away from them for Xmas. But I’m pissed off that he would put his kids having a nice day over and above my sons life.

I feel like I’m better off alone to be honest.

Sorry to hear this @Bookaholic73.

Can’t believe the kids have been mixing with potential positive cases and he’s brought them into your house at such risk to your child. I get that it’s Christmas and he wants to see them but still.... 🤦‍♀️

Oh no, @Bookaholic73 that is awful.

I totally understand how hard it would be for them not to be there but why did he think it was OK to bring them back in those circs?

Hope you have a peaceful evening. 🎄

I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s like there’s an invisible sense switch that is always on off when it comes to SCs. All common sense goes out of the window.
I’m asthmatic and SD and her mum have literally no boundaries. At 16 she visits EOW and puts our family at risk every time but her happiness comes way above everything. It’s such a nightmare situation, I don’t want to stop anyone seeing their child but I just wish I wasn’t here to have to put up with it.

I’ve had enough already. Not necessarily of the SC but the DH’s attitude.

We had a lovely chilled Christmas Day, just me, DH and our DD. He then went out in the evening to collect the SC and it’s like he’s a different person since he came back.
Stressed out and if things aren’t COMPLETELY PERFECT for the blessed SC then he turns into Mr Grumpy. I’ve had enough and I’m just keeping to myself to avoid a row.
I was watching a film with DD last night before she went to bed. DH walked in and switched it off - his reason? “My kids are here now”.

He had visions of a family Boxing Day walk this morning - the weather has had the audacity to decide to rain. Neither of the SC got up before 11 yet he didn’t want to wake them. This too has made him grumpy as it’s not the “perfect” morning he envisioned for them. I’m tired of everything having to be “Disney perfect” when they’re here.

He’s just agreed to have them for extra days too so lots more of this to get through. 🤦‍♀️

My first Christmas as a step mum, glad to find some support on here

Disney Dads! I wish they could see themselves in the eyes of others. How incredibly unfair they are being to their other children and anyone else caught in the cross fire of their perfection seeking.

How’s it going @Chaby?

I have found it very difficult I have 3 SC and one didn’t come and visit us. DSD hasn’t come for 2 years now she is 16 and it’s because at our house we have rules which she doesn’t like unless we do what she wants. This year we got her some expensive trainers that she wanted and still today we didn’t have a text to say thank you. So DH sent her a message and still no reply.

My own 2DC I’ve made sure they FaceTimed their dad and grandparents due to restrictions we haven’t been able to do the split days like we normally do. I’ve learnt to bite my tongue as his attitude changes regarding his children which is guilt that he don’t see his DCs very much only school holidays. Oh well sometimes you just can’t do anything about a situation

My SD disowned me a week before Christmas because I dared to express an opinion on her breaking lockdown rules. SD has been here and we've had a lovely time!

I swerved the family call on Xmas day so didn't have to speak with SD (adult and very bullying towards my DH), for the past 3 years she's been here opening and discarding gifts, getting drunk and loud by midday, treating me like the maid and arguing with her brother at the table over the last pig in blanket.

I think COVID has helped me out a lot this year (if any of you saw my precious thread you'd agree.) kudos to other step mum survivors this year

@Bookaholic73 that's awful & massively unfair - I'd be furious in your position.
Never thought I'd ever say this but I'm increasingly thankful for my exh & his dw. A child in one of their dc's class tested positive the day before Christmas Eve & their dc then had to go for a test, so any bit of Christmas my dc were to have had at his was cancelled. The test came back negative but exh is following guidelines and keeping their family isolated for the required duration. No whinging or moaning out of him or our dc - everyone just got on with it & they'll make it up over the NY. Honestly what's wrong with some dads and dc (& dms) that they just let sentiment rule everything.
I'm no longer a sm but had some not so great Christmas's when I was - mainly due to exdp's guilt & sentimentality - so you all have my sympathy.
Sending you virtual hugs.

I'm personally not a SM but my DC do have a SM.

They don't have DC together.

Do other poster's think that is when issues arise - i.e when there are step siblings to blend?

My XH and his partner are very good with the DC but l do wonder would that change if they had they're own (not that they will as to old, but just pondering on it all)

There seems to be a pattern that the DSC DFs fail to pull up their DC and it seems because of guilt. My DH has spoken this morning to the mother of his DC regarding her behaviour and how she never wants to come and it resulted in a full blown row. With her saying I grew up with out a Dad so if she feels she don’t need a dad in her life well so be it. There appears to be no encouragement from her for her DD to have a relationship with her DF. It causes stress in our home and I don’t know how to help my DH.

@FourDecades - in my experience my dc struggled more with their sm before she had her own dc. She was very full on & enthusiastic (I'd say some of this was her personality, some was her trying to create a 'family' & some of it was exh pushing it) & it really jarred with my dc who felt they couldn't relax around her. When she had her own dc she relaxed considerably which suited my dc much much better. But, they then had to cope with the fact that dad had a family that they weren't 100% a part of & that was hard for them. However, I strove to normalise that for them & to big it up & I honestly think my sympathy for them while remaining positive got them to a good place of acceptance.
I can see though how any negativity on my part would have driven a wedge between my dc, their df & sm. in situations like this the resident dm really does have all the power.
I think another layer to it all is if the sm has her own kids (prior to the relationship). I was in this position with my exdp & his dc (vehemently encouraged by their dm) were very resistant to me but moreso to my dc (who their dm told them were their 'replacements') & their awful attitude to my dc is one of the main reasons I ended the relationship as I couldn't bare to have my dc on the receiving end of suck toxic negativity.

I do find it absolutely dreadful how parent's slate the other parent. Even though my XH left me for his partner, l have only been positive about them and secretly thank the OW for taking him off my hands as l was miserable anyway

Feel like I am constantly counting down the hours until 'unofficial stepdaughter, we're not married' goes to her mums. It's not been 50/50 at all over the Christmas period. I just want a full couple of days where DP can relax and focus on our little baby. I do so much prefer it being just the 3 of us.

I have found the forum very helpful, it's good to know that my thoughts aren't completely unreasonable!

Hope everyone had a good Christmas x

My SD hasn't been yet but I am bloody dreading it. I posted on another thread that DH is Disney Dad at best of times but he is something else at Xmas. No bedtimes, doesn't enforce manners or hygiene. He pulled my DS up for not saying please today (he is 4) and rightly so but I will be mightily interested to see if he does same with SD.

@SuperPixie247 we get that here a lot. DD (age 3) can’t put a toe out of line yet DH never pulls up the SC for anything.
I’m all for strict parenting but I’m also for consistency and fairness. If you’re going to reprimand a 3 year old for fidgeting at the table then equally a 15 and 17 yr old should be spoken to about their bad table manners, eating with their hands and playing on their phones during mealtimes. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tough christmas. Glad its finished. Love sk's but two christmas eves and 2 christmas days with one day out of my realm of being able to organise as Dad sortrd but left everything to the last minute😬😬😬😬
Two lovely days though. Just new years eve and day to go...then sanity to can reign again