Please help me get over this!

[mummyblueyes]

I have a DD1 with XH and a DD2 with DH.
DH also has a DD with his XP. Eldest DD and DSD are 8, youngest is 3.

PIL only really bother with DSD. They're not unkind or anything to 'our' DD, they just don't look after her, see her often, visit us etc.

They have looked after her twice when we asked, visited our house twice when we asked but never offer. Meanwhile they look after DSD while her mother works, regularly. They also have her for tea every week (DH goes too but straight from work so cannot take our DD).

They always claim not to like DSD's mother but we recently found out they were contacting her behind our back, offering to take DSD on holiday, weekends away etc, which they did. Meanwhile my DH didn't even know his parents had his daughter! (he would certainly have seen it as an extra opportunity to see her if he knew!). We actually had smug texts from DH's XP telling us after the event.

I have known DSD since she was a toddler. I love her dearly but things are becoming so strained because of all the interference from other parties. We think it's great that PIL want to see her etc but they shouldn't go behind our backs. I think they should encourage us all to be together as a family, and also include my DD2 (and my DD1 for this matter).

Anyone else have to deal with this?

DSD's mum is not the nicest or easiest person to deal with (she left DH and I met him a year later so there's no reason for her to resent me). I really tried with her. I look after DSD while she works even though I live 30 miles away I did both trips as she would never offer to pick her up or collect her. We pay a good deal of CSA and buy her all her clothes. I never expect her to thank DH for anything but surely she could thank me when I look after her for two weeks while DH is at work, doing all the driving and buying all the clothes she needs but did she? No, she closed the door in my face without speaking!

Please help, it's eating me up inside.

youre trying too hard with the ex-wife. I did a similar thing (looking after DSS whilst she was working, dropping, picking up, being generally 'available for help' in school holidays etc) and i never got a thank you. She is all snidey comments and bitchy looks. So, I do no 'extras' now. dss comes to us every other weekend but im not willing to help out with anything else, it just makes me feel resentful and used.

MIL also sees a lot more of DSS than she does of our 2 children. I think she does it because she feels sorry for dss because he has 2 half siblings from me and dh and 2 half siblings from exwife so MIL is trying to make him feel special iykwim. Also, because he is 9 (mine are 4 and 1) it is easier to spend time with him and do things with him than with younger children.

My 2 have a close relationship with my mum though, so it evens out in that respect.

Step families are never easy or straight forward, ive just learnt to be less emotional about things because it used to eat me up too.

Thanks, that does make me feel a lot better.

I think PIL feel sorry for DSD too, that's what I keep telling myself anyway. If I didn't look after DSD while her mum worked she would be put in a playscheme from 8 til 6 and I can't do that to her.

My DD's have a wonderful relationship with my parents, they definitely don't go short of love anyway!

I am trying not to read too much into everything but it is upsetting sometimes isn't it. I just wish PIL's could treat them all the same.

do what you are happy with, just bear in mind that kids are NOT stupid and will remember who was there for them etc, when they are older and the pils are long dead!

Aww hun, I completely understand, you could have been describing my situation a year ago with regards to the pil, my mil has always claimed to dislike hubby's ex but has gone behind his back to see the kids and speak to his ex. I personally think it's great that she makes the effort to see the kids but what got my goat up was she never made that effort with our son, she has never asked to have him over and the last time she babysat for him (when he was a baby) she said if we wanted her to babysit again she would come to ours and not have him stay over, lol, now I'm not a person to let anyone walk over me or certainly my children so we never asked her again, our son is now 4 1/2 and due to all the backstabbing from mil I put an end to the access she has with our son and she hasn't seen him for over 2 years now.

I would be here all day listing the things that she has said and done to get her 2pence worth, even trying to split up hubby and me but all I can say is we are happier (hubby and me) that we don't have to deal with her anymore, our son doesn't know who his nanny is and never asks for her, he knows his granny's and grandad's, who are my mum, dad, step mum, step dad, granny and grandpa and they are the ones he asks for, so he isn't losing out, she is.

I can be a very hard person with regards to this situation and I have never said or done anything to result in this rejection but I always believe that whatever goes around comes around and that revenge is best served cold, so one of these days my mil will realise that she was wrong and there will be no-one around her to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry if I've come across as really uncaring but when you've gone through years of someone rejecting your child in favour for their brother and sister then you start thinking that way, I as a stepmum would never treat my own child differently to that of my stepchildren, they are all kids in my eyes, but it seems like my mil can do this and it's not right.

O I could read a book how my out laws have treated my all my kids. My DSC are very much treated differently to our children and it did end up that I stayed well away from their area for nearly 3 years and then MiL decided that as I was having another baby that I breast feed another no no in her book then she would not get to see her new grandchild for sometime soasked if we could settle our differences meaning that i never mention again what evil nasty horrible people they are. So I agreed for the sake of the children and DH as she so put it. I have gone to them a couple of times but I stay away as much as possible as I still can't stand the way they slagg everone off and to their faces kissing their a*s. I really can not be doing with it and then also telling me how I do everything wrong and that I should not tell the children off this way but to do it that way . Yeah and just look at the state of your excellent parenting shall we. The state of your kids. Anyway the kids do go round sometin=mes and DH goes sometimes too but we moved 100 miles away from that area to be out the way and it suits us. As DSC they will always be treated differently to ours as will the nephew and nieces. But our children do not lack anything from them as my parents and family more than make up. They think the world of all our children and it doesn't matter who the mummy and daddy are.

The things that they have done to us are unbelievable let a lone unforgiveable. But they are DH parents and family at the end of the day but I do not have to be invovled with them at all. Let them get on with it. what goes around does come around. Their lose.

Thanks for you replies.

I don't feel that I can keep my DD2 away from her GPs, I feel bad to her then.

My DM reckons I should invite the IL's round more, make an effort if they won't but I don't see the point when they just go behind our back with DH's dreaded XP.

I have decided to just let them get on with whatever and take a backseat.

It was causing rifts with me and DH and making me feel really depressed so I am just going to let things happen.

They might not get to see my DD2 as much as they see DSD but my DD2 certainly doesn't go short on love, my parents are amazing with my DC's.

AND...my XH's DM (DD1's GM) has even offered to have both my DC's round to stay (even though DD2 is not her grandchild!).