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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Need advice - living apart

10 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 18:10

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
missymoomoomoomoomoo · 22/12/2020 18:11

You posted about this earlier. Why a new thread?

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 18:27

Because someone told me to post in the step-parent talk.

OP posts:
Flowerpot345 · 22/12/2020 18:32

Dating a man with kids isn't going to be easy but dating a man with kids and a nightmare ex who dictates everything and he panders to her is hell.

Let him go and save you and your kids alot of upset, stress and heartache.
There are millions of men on this planet save yourself from a life of hell and move on.

missymoomoomoomoomoo · 22/12/2020 18:36

Ok but after only 6 months together, you should have not moved him in. Unfortunately what is happening now is the consequences of this and you need to take a step back and restart from a normal position when blending two families.

I am not trying to be harsh but this was rushed. Take this as an opportunity to lay some good groundwork, for you as a parent and for your kids, and for him and his. Take the focus away from what the ex is trying to do and focus on what you both need to do to build as stable a long term future

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2020 21:27

I’m sympathetic to you being upset but I’m afraid I don’t understand why other of you have gone about things this way. There was no way I’d have moved in with my new husband if I hadn’t met his children. That’s honestly mad. They’re a huge part of his life and I wouldn’t have carried on dating him if I hadn’t liked them or had found how he was with them annoying.

Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 18:43

Thanks for your comments. However I didn't move him in, we moved together. We had known eachother longer than 6 months.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 18:49

Dating a man with kids isn't going to be easy but dating a man with kids and a nightmare ex who dictates everything and he panders to her is hell.

This. As I said on your other post, he needs to make his own decisions and not allow the ex to dictate his life. Only he can do that.

missymoomoomoomoomoo · 23/12/2020 19:20

@Lacroix89

Thanks for your comments. However I didn't move him in, we moved together. We had known eachother longer than 6 months.
Thats splitting hairs. You chose after 6 months to move in together.
Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 19:30

@Lacroix89

Thanks for your comments. However I didn't move him in, we moved together. We had known eachother longer than 6 months.
Bht you had NEVER MET HIS CHILDREN!!! And still decided to move in with him!

Why doesn't he have a court order?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 21:43

Why was he happy to move in with someone his children hadn’t met? Doesn’t he care that they’re happy and settled before making major life changes which impact on them?

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