Advice

[franklyshankly2]

Hi,

I have been with my partner for 2 years. He has two DC 5 and 3 from a previous relationship. His ex is very difficult. I only saw my partner on his non contact days for most of our relationship (as it should be) and before the pandemic we were slowly working in introducing me to to the kids. In May I caught COVID (tested positive). My partner messaged his ex asking what she wanted to do regarding contact as we both had to self isolate as I had been staying at his house for the previous three nights. His ex took this as him “putting his new girlfriend over kids” and stopped contact.

This had happened before but usually only for a week. This time it dragged out longer and my ex was heartbroken. There was a lot of backwards and forwards but essentially they went back to family mediation. Ex said my partner could have kids one day a week and build up from there. Partner wasn’t happy but accepted this as he is terrified she will stop contact again.

While all of this was ongoing we moved in together. Ex is now saying I am not allowed to be in the house at all during contact time. Partner argued back that she can’t control who the kids see during contact but this was met with “well you won’t get to see them if you can’t put them first”. Myself and my partner decided I would just sit in our room during contact and avoid kids. This basically means I can’t leave my room for eight hours. I can go out but with COVID I can’t really drag the full day out as we have been in a high tier this whole time.

Last week one of the kids saw me. We chatted for a bit and he went home and mentioned to his mum that he had seen me. It all kicked off. Threats of stopping contact again.

I honestly can’t bear this anymore. This woman that I dont even know is trying to stop me from sitting in my own house. What can we do?

It's awful when this happens. The reality is that your partner needs to go to mediation again and put his foot down. If they cant agree then the mediator will sign them off so he can apply to court. If he self-represents then it costs around £200 to put the form in. As long as there are no safeguarding concerns then the courts will grant your partner his time and will not agree that you need to not be there. It wont be a quick and easy process but it will be worth it. The children are young, he has a lot of years to go and this isnt the way to live for the next 10-15 years

I think if she’s going to be that difficult you need to look at mediation and a court order. I’ve found that if you accept too many things then an ex partner will just carry on and have control over too many things.

You have to go to court, my husbands ex wife did this and I left my home (which I pad half towards) multiple times to please her and so he could see his children. He eventually went to court and the judge condemned her behaviour, it’s pure control, she has no rights to dictate who the children see when they’re in his care. He will also almost certainly end up with more court ordered contact than what he is permitted by her currently. She is not their sole parent and she needs to be stopped.
Fwiw I bitterly regret leaving as it’s caused me many issues with my stepchildren as they view me as someone who their Mom made leave their home at the drop of a hat and not worthy of any respect as their Dads wife and certainly don’t see me as a stepmom or any kind of influence in their life, I’m classed as beneath them. You have to put a stop to it.

Court order.

Thank you for your replies.

I agree- she’s got too much control. We actually had a massive argument last week as I feel like he just doesn’t stick up for me when it’s needed. I understand his goal is to resume normal contact with the kids but they way it is now isn’t fair for me, him or the kids. It’s starting to affect my mental health as with this and the covid restrictions I feel so lonely.

Next mediation is January. I’m going to ask him to push back a little bit and prepare him for the fact that we may have to go to court. It’s so horrible knowing that the ex holds 100% of the power but we will have to hold out.

@Marypip this is exactly what I’m worried about. When I saw partners DC last week he asked what what I was doing there. The way he said it made me wonder what his mum is saying to him about me and makes me worried for the future.

Yes agree with PP, you need to get a court order. She should not and cannot dictate whether you see the DC and it'll be detrimental to your relationship with them to keep avoiding them all the time.

@franklyshankly2 it will get so much worse if you don’t put your foot down and stand your ground, he is giving her way too much control, she can not have this much say. Why the hell should you sit in a bedroom for 8 hours! This will be very very simply sorted out by a court, they’re used to this kind of behaviour from crazy parents.

He needs to tell her now that there is no way you will be hiding away from now on, he needs to say you’re stable together, live together and you WILL be at every contact day with children going forward.
She will stop contact but that will massively go in your favour at court, as horrible as it will be for your partner he needs to go through short term pain of her withholding contact for long term gain of fair and just access with his children.

We have unfortunately had to go back to court recently (4th time) as my husbands ex was being very difficult again and wanted to change contact, she actually represented herself and told the judge she can’t have her children round me as she doesn’t know how they will cope when our little fling breaks down and the children won’t see me anymore, he had to point out to her we’ve been married for 3 years and have 2 children! Some of them are unbelievable.

He needs to understand that until he gets a court order she will always be able to hold him to ransom with threats of stopping contact. Court ordered contact will take away her ability to dictate any of this, when he can see them, where and who can be around. Everyone knows where they stand (including DC) and it will save your DP a whole lot of heartache, tricky bit is getting him to see that though because he will be scared of 'rocking the boat'. You need to explain to him that that fear will always be there until he goes to court, the court order is what will allow him not to be scared anymore because it won't be up to the ex whether he gets to see his kids. Good luck, PM me if you like, I had to help my DH through the same.

I she wants to alienate the kids, she will. Whatever you do will never be ok or good enough for her, as long as she has a bee in her bonnet about him moving in with someone else.

Your DP needs to understand that the only thing you personally can do to placate her right now is to cease existing. If he gives her one victory, she will want the next and so on until she’s got a finger in every pie in your life.
Stop it now. Go to court. Sort her out. She hasn’t a leg to stand on.

My husband's ex at some point said I had to stay away from her kids although I do everything that's humanly possible for those kids. Basically I told her to f&*% off and that I would NEVER leave my own house to please anyone. Luckily the husband was on my side. If he wasn't I guess that would've been the end of our marriage because there's only so much we can endure.
Some ex's are so bitter that they don't want to see anyone happy, that's not possible. So I advise you to talk to your partner and make sure you'll be heard and prioritized too. Apparently this isn't about the kids, but about her. And she should have 0 say on anything related to your house.

As long as there are no safeguarding issues, no court is going to accept her demanding you leave your own home during contact. They will look very poorly on her for behaving this way. My ex has always been very controlling and I always gave in for the sake of the children who were inevitably dragged in every time by ex (much to my horror). Please don't make the same mistake I did, as the more you give in the more control will be taken. The court put an order in place, and it's helped as it defines everything. It's not a fix all but it helps. I'd expect, if you applied to court, for an interim order to be made stipulating contact has to happen and when pending a final order. It takes a long time but it can help to eliminate the endless debates.

One last piece of advice, don't get drawn into talking to the children about it or justifying your presence in your own home. What she says about you is irrelevant - the children will make up their own minds. Rise above it, and stay neutral always. It's hard but pays off in the long run.

Honestly, I would leave the relationship for 2 reasons:

1. ex will always create problems, you will never ever have a quiet life
2. your partner actually OK with you spending 8 hours avoiding his children in 1 room in your own house?! It is disgraceful, disrespectful and shows he will never take care of your interests

No way should you stay in your bedroom for 8 hrs to.please partner and his crazy ex.
Why did you agree to do this?
Where is your self respect?

Tell him you will not be hiding in your own home. He needs to sort alternatively arrangements if he cares so much about what the ex says. HE goes and meets his children elsewhere - it is HIS problem where, not yours.

To be honest I couldn't live with someone who thought it was a solution..he doesn't respect you at all..you also don't seem to respect yourself.

Right now she has control as you are both giving her the power. Yes he may not see his kids for a while (but only as long as it takes to get a court order in place) but then she would have no leverage and life will get better.

Please don’t stay in your room hiding from them, stand your ground! It’s your home! I would never expect my partner to do that, it’s horrible. She will be relishing the fact that she has that control not only of your partner but over you.

Stand your ground. No more hiding. Get a court order. 😁

Good luck OP! I know it’s hard - never understood why women use their children as pawns.

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it. It really does look like we are going to have to do court. We had a serious discussion last night and I think he’s coming round to it. I’m going to keep working on it
but I’m positive he will take the right steps.

@LenaBlack and @Iwonder08 I don’t lack self respect and my partner is not okay with this. He has tried to tackle this but ex refuses to discuss anything outside of mediation. Again it’s threats of stopping contact. He does take them out on contact days but as he doesn’t drive and with COVID restrictions there isn’t a lot that can fill the whole day. We have the same argument every week where he offers to take them out all day and I refuse. I’m not having two young kids traipse the streets for eight hours. I also want them to spend time in their home. My partner has moved house since the last time contact was stable and I really want them to spend time here. They haven’t even slept in their new room yet!

Hi OP,

I felt quite angry reading your post. It's completely unacceptable for you to be told to stay in your room. It is your home and this is not putting the kids first, this is putting the ex's control issues first.

You will never have a decent relationship with DC if this goes on. I suggest putting your foot down hard. You won't stay in the room. If you are asked silly questions like why you're there just give a cheery silly answer. As a pp said remain neutral and don't get sucked into talking to the DC about it. Just don't give his ex's crazy demands any oxygen.

Their father is entitled to have a partner. She might not like it but she is not the sole parent. Call her bluff and push hard during mediation / court if necessary. She's a bully and just because she's gotten away with it in the past doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

If he doesn't back you up, make you a priority (yes his kids are priority but this isn't helping them) then I would reconsider the relationship. This is your life you're sharing with the man, this is your home. You don't have to sacrifice everything because he was married before.