Partner’s daughter refusing to see him

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 2020-12-20T20:49:41+00:00

So my partner had a silly argument with his daughter (14) earlier this year. The reason? He had bought his son an item of clothing which was slightly more expensive than hers. She perceived this to be ‘favouritism’ and they had a big row. My partner admitted he raised his voice and felt terrible about it so has tried apologising profusely and even went around to his exes house (who he doesn’t have a good relationship with) but his daughter refused to see him. He has bought her presents for Christmas and has tried messaging but she is reading the messages and choosing to ignore him. His son has also cut him out (because of the argument and seeing his sister upset). My partner is obviously devastated and doesn’t know where to go from here. Does he keep apologising or leave the ball in her court? What if years go by and she continues to cut him out of her life? It would break him.

Youseethethingis · 20/12/2020 21:39

This is just as snippet and I suspect there’s many more where that came from not here goes...
Honestly, I’d leave it. The daughter sounds like a spoilt horror. No good can come of persisting. Make it clear the door is open then trust they walk back through it when ready.

If he continues to pander to this nonsense, he’s finished as a parent anyway, he will be the joke who pays for things and nothing more.
It’s just such a shame he and his ex aren’t able to parent as a team, it’s handing the kids more power than is good for them at their age.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 20/12/2020 21:47

He sounds like he’s tried. I wouldn’t pander to it - he’s giving her all the power here and she knows it. Sounds like a spoilt little madam.....

In his position I’d send both kids a message saying he loves them and the door is always open..... and then leave the ball in their court.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2020 21:52

He’s apologised, I’d leave it there.

TiptopJ · 20/12/2020 21:54

How bad was the shouting? I can understand a teenager going in a stop with a parent after being shouted at but this seems a very extreme reaction from both children if they had an otherwise good relationship with their dad. Is there more going on or was it really just a standard parent/teenager argument that's somehow escalated into this? If so then I think the best things he can do is to let them know he is always there for them if they need him.

Pinkyxx · 20/12/2020 22:07

Has their Mum spoken to them? If this were my DD I’d be having a word with her ( ex and I don’t have a good relationship at all either). Everyone loses it from time to time, all parents have moments... Forgiveness is a very important trait in life.. so if he’s said sorry & their mum won’t intervene I’d say leave it particularly if there’s a hint she’s acting spoilt. I’m not condoning shouting but I’m also not sure I’d have apologised myself over something like this as it would have ‘deserved’ a telling off in book!

Agree with PP this feels like a very disproportionate reaction, particularly for both children to take the same stance.

ZipLips · 20/12/2020 22:38

@TiptopJ

How bad was the shouting? I can understand a teenager going in a stop with a parent after being shouted at but this seems a very extreme reaction from both children if they had an otherwise good relationship with their dad. Is there more going on or was it really just a standard parent/teenager argument that's somehow escalated into this? If so then I think the best things he can do is to let them know he is always there for them if they need him.

I agree with this.

Both children refusing to speak to him because he "raised his voice" seems an extreme reaction if they had previously got on well. What was he actually saying during the shouting?

ItisRainingAgain · 26/12/2020 07:52

I’d leave it. Kids learn pretty quickly how to manipulate a situation to their advantage particularly in families where parents aren’t together, if she doesn’t like something she can threaten not to see him/speak with him which is what is happening here. Easy to stamp this behaviour out when parents are together but not when they’re apart. She’s a child and she can’t be rewarded for a tantrum, let her have a strop and things should calm down at some point.

Usernameagain · 27/12/2020 07:32

I had the same situation with my daughter two years ago. It was really bad, she wouldn’t talk to me at all and I know I had been in the wrong. I couldn’t leave it, I insisted every single day and we finally talked, we have a very good relationship and now I know there was so many reasons for her to react like that. There’s so much pain sometimes that we can’t see or understand. I wouldn’t leave it, he is the adult and the children need him, his daughter should learn that the silence treatment is not healthy and she should learn to communicate. But I wouldn’t leave it. When she becomes and adult is a different story.

ShinyGreenElephant · 27/12/2020 07:52

Weve had similar with my DSD when she was much younger. She struggled a lot with me getting pregnant with DD2 and started being really nasty- we put up with a lot but when she started telling lies about me (eg that I called her a big fat slag) and DH, without getting angry, made it clear he didn't believe her and it needed to stop. Her mum then stopped all contact saying she didn't want to come, which went into her / the mum blackmailing DH (eg I will come and visit for 2 days if you buy me the new PlayStation etc). It was a really difficult time and DH was so sad and felt incredibly guilty for the whole situation and the fact that she was finding my pregnancy hard enough to react like that.

What worked for us was that he never gave up, he sent messages weekly via her granny (mum never passed them on) talking about how much we all loved her and just general news, he sent cards a lot with little messages and photos and by the time DD2 was born she agreed to meet her. She adores her little sister so I think that's what made the biggest difference although were still not out of the woods - DSD is 10 now and will still try blackmail tactics "I'll stay for a week in the holidays but you can't put a limit on my phone this time and I'm not going on a single walk / I'll come for Christmas if you buy me a montcler coat etc" and DH does fuss round her like shes a god, but the main thing is she has a relationship with her dad and if that had broken down completely it would be far worse for both of them.

I realise its very different with a teenager but I think the principle is the same - just love, love, love, never give up but don't give in to blackmail or manipulation as it will snowball. Apologise for the shouting (sure he has) but don't crawl to her begging for forgiveness just keep the door always open.

ImDoingMe · 28/12/2020 10:19

Seeing your parent's relationship end and then get together with someone else is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It has cast a shadow over my whole life. It is probably much much more than clothing. She may just need a break. Her DB may see that she has made this decision and think a break would benefit him too.

I am 51 and my dad is 85 and has been with his partner for 33 years. Only this morning I was crying over the shit I still have to put up with from him. If I had my time again I wish I stopped speaking to him many years ago.

Not saying you are horrible to his DC, just saying that it cuts deeper than anyone thinks.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/12/2020 10:44

@ImDoingMe your reaction is very extreme, I think you would benefit from some counselling.
I don’t think many people from split families (myself included) feel like that.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 28/12/2020 10:55

Was it just the tip of the iceberg for the favouritism? Was it the difference in cost she was getting at it effort? What did he say when he raised his voice? I think it's an extreme reaction from one child if they're not prone to drama, but from two it sounds like there's more to it. Sometimes I have to explain to my dad that the row isn't about what he thinks it is. He has a tendency to dismiss things he doesn't consider important, so for him the value of something is important vs getting the one out want etc. How is he apologizing? He might be better asking her to help him understand

Jobsharenightmare · 28/12/2020 11:05

I don’t think many people from split families (myself included) feel like that.

^ there is a lot of research about the lasting damage to children of parental separation depending on various contextual factors so I agree with the PP there may well be more to it and the coat was the outlet.

ShinyGreenElephant · 28/12/2020 12:53

@ImDoingMe while I agree that it may be about more than the coat, I dont think your feelings on split parents are typical. I know it never affected me, my friends, partner, parents, friends or children in that way.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 14:02

Seeing your parent's relationship end and then get together with someone else is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It has cast a shadow over my whole life.

My mother's sudden death when I was a little girl was the worst thing that happened to me and has cast a shadow over my entire life but it wouldn't have excused bratty, spoilt behaviour in my teens.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/12/2020 14:05

@Jobsharenightmare I agree. But my reply was in direct response to @ImDoingMe saying 30 years later she’s still harbouring so much anger and saying her parents split is still viewed as being so traumatic. It seems very extreme to me and I think she probably needs professional help.

ImDoingMe · 28/12/2020 15:33

My parents didn't split. Their relationship ended as I said because my mum died.

I am not harbouring resentment that I should have got over, 30 years later. This is not something that happened 30 years ago. It is ongoing and still happening now. My dad is in his 80's and we are still excluded, treated like 2nd class citizens and last on the list.

Like I said, despite being asked to come over to one of his 3 DC's houses or GC's houses he chose to go to one of hers again. We still haven't seen him, nor will do so for ages. This is how it works even non-covid.

I wish I had gone NC with him years ago but feel he is too old to do that now and it would be callous of me.

Agree counselling would help but as said, it is not a 30-year wound. It's an open wound that still has salt rubbed in it. It is still possible to hurt your child when they are 50 and you are in your 80's.

Original poster

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 28/12/2020 16:36

In response to what my partner was saying when he was shouting, he was basically calling her ungrateful and he’s spent his whole life providing for her and making sure she doesn’t go without- I’m sure there were a few choice words in their too. I’m not excusing the shouting but having said that if I’d tried to accuse one of my parents of favouritism at that age I would have expected a telling off too! My partner has wished them both a merry Christmas and let them both know he’s sorry and there’s gifts here for them- they have both seen the message and ignored him- what more can he do? He’s absolutely heartbroken.

OP posts:

ZipLips · 29/12/2020 14:50

In response to what my partner was saying when he was shouting, he was basically calling her ungrateful and he’s spent his whole life providing for her and making sure she doesn’t go without- I’m sure there were a few choice words in their too

So the refusal to see him wasn't really because he bought his son a slightly more expensive present than his daughter. That was a heck of a reaction from him in response to an accusation of favouritism. I can see why both of the children might want to take a step back from him for a little while.

I think he's done the right thing in letting them know that he's sorry etc. At the risk of sounding patronising, it might be worth him taking a bit of time to think about how he could react in future to being accused of playing favourites rather than shouting.

Mine will sometimes do this if they think one of their siblings has got a better deal, eg "Why do you always take his/her side and not mine?" "How come he/she is allowed to have/do that and I'm not?"

I generally try to remind them of a time when actually they were the ones who had the better deal. Teenagers (mine included) can often have a very blinkered view of things and sometimes need a reminder that there's more than one viewpoint.

I hope your partner hears from his children soon.

cansu · 29/12/2020 16:54

I think he might have been better off sending regular texts and reaching out to say he would love to hear from them. The gifts for xmas and birthday should be sent round as normal. I wouldn't make these part of the reconciling. Just drop them off.

Witchymclovely · 30/12/2020 19:19

Enjoy the break while you can, they always come crawling back unfortunately. The ungrateful, spoilt brat ones always do. Get on with your lives, it would be nice if we all got on all the time but it’s not realistic, if you do ignore them for a bit it may improve their manners.