I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for one and we are currently expecting our first child, a daughter.
My husband has two adult children from a previous relationship, SD26 and SS24. This relationship was emotionally and financially abusive.
He has always had a very turbulent relationship with SD, she is very emotionally abusive towards him and I believe this has been picked up from her mother. She is verbally abusive, manipulative, blackmails, uses silent treatment which can last up to six months, she is often rude and very “off” with him.
Family and friends have all witnessed this behaviour and whilst all have very strong, positive relationships with SD, also acknowledge her behaviour as deliberate and emotionally abusive.
The only time their relationship is positive is when she wants something, to boast about a recent achievement or it’s a special occasion (Christmas, birthdays etc). Any other time, she has very little interest.
Her behaviour amplifies whenever my husband does something she doesn’t like, want or when he can’t do what she asks. When she was told of our relationship, she exploded and became physically and verbally aggressive. When she found out we were getting married and had a date, she ignored him for six months. We both believe she did this as a last ditch attempt to encourage my husband to end our relationship. If he goes on holiday, she gets angry. If he doesn’t answer her calls, she gets frustrated and tells him he doesn’t care about her.
I have met her dozens of times but each time, it gets worse. The first few times I met her it was evident she was deliberately setting out to make both my husband and I uncomfortable and feel unwelcome (it was a family birthday party), she smirked, rolled her eyes and made comments whenever I did or said anything. Now, she just glares at me and ignores me. When she is interacting with my husband, she doesn’t give him eye contact, gives very blunt and offhand answers.
Recently, my husband suffered a mental breakdown. He went to therapy and has established that the relationship with his daughter is the root cause of his stress and anxiety. He has always felt not good enough, it doesn’t matter what he does, it is never enough to win the affections of his daughter and he feels responsible for her unhappiness. He has tried multiple time’s to strengthen their relationship and resolve whatever issues there are that warrant her behaviour. He has tried to speak to her on multiple occasions, asking her if anything is wrong, if he has ever done anything, why she treats him this way, asking how they can rebuild their relationship. He has even suggested family therapy as a way to mediate and improve their relationship - but whenever he talks to her, she acts coy, doesn’t acknowledge or take responsibility for her behaviour and either lies or tries to excuse her behaviour, she says she wants a healthy, enjoyable relationship and a few weeks later, returns to the abusive behaviour.
This therapy has really helped him. He is now more than ever aware of the emotional abuse and this has helped him be more prepared to dealt with it when it happens.
When we announced the pregnancy, SD once again exploded. She once again became verbally abusive and insulting both myself and my husband. She told us that she “hates” our child and would never love it, that it is no relation to her.
Growing up, I had a sister very similar to SD - she was 18 years older than me when I was born. It caused me a lot of emotional heartache from a very young age. As a child, I couldn’t understand why my sister hated me so much. As an adolescent, it was even more confusing and heartbreaking. As an adult, I began acknowledging her behaviour for what it was - emotional abuse. Witnessing her treat my parents the way she did made me angry, hurt and resentful. It took me many years to get over the fact I would never have a relationship with my sister and eventually, I cut her out of my life.
I am now having the same fears for my future daughter. I have shared these concerns with my husband and he has been incredibly supportive, whilst he wants a relationship with his daughter, he does not want this to be at the detriment to those around him. I am not sure how willing I am to subject my child to witnessing her father be treated the way he is and risk her being treated the same.
Would it be that bad if I didn’t want her to have contact or a relationship with our daughter, until she is able to make that decision by herself?
I have been able so far to manage SDs behaviour. I haven’t let it impact how I treat her, it has been easy to compartmentalise and I have hoped that one day, things will change. But now, becoming a parent for the first time, I feel more than ever that I need to start thinking objectively and potentially make some very difficult, if not irreversible decisions.