A couple of years ago, I had issues with SD (then 11-12) due to her bossing me around with regards to my baby. She was clearly jealous of his attachment to me, his mother, and was strongly asserting her place in his life (which is not a very common thing, but happens, I've seen it on another forum). Obviously, her rude behaviour was never displayed in front of her father, so when I started complaining to him, I looked like I was not fair to her (because she was very sweet with him). And the more he was invalidating my feelings, the more resentful I was becoming.
Long story short, she calmed down a year ago, I made efforts to let go of resentment and our relationship improved. She only comes EOW, I still buy her some things, make efforts to talk (yes, efforts as she's always on her laptop), ask her questions about whatever interests I see she has, make efforts to listen to whatever music she wants to share with me, always make a cake for her bday, etc.
Obviously, neither she or me are perfect, so from time to time, there are some minor frictions. She would say something I consider rude (like that nobody would want to have a relationship with my older son) or act in a way towards the toddler that I find annoying (like insisting that he kisses her when he doesn't want)...
SO, if I ever say or do somethingthat looks to her father like I don't like her, it's blown out of proportion.
For example: she's sensitive and often has tears after watching her videos. During the covid, when we didnt see her for over 2 months due to her mother continuing spending time with her boyfriend from another town, I told her something about her father being sad that she doesn't visit us (she didn't come for his bday which we did in the backyard only with his sons). Maybe I shouldn't have, but it's really not a big deal. Her mother complained to him, he gave me sh*t and told me that whatever I organized with his sons is nothing (eventhough before the complaint, he repeatedly told me how touched he was) and that I did it on purpose. No explanation or apology works, until his sulking goes away.
Another ex: She never does her bed, walks with her socks when she has slippers, then sits with those dirty socks (never changes them during her stay) on the bed. One day I laid down on that bed because I felt dizzy, my toddler climbed with me on the bed and I didn't notice that he still had his slippers on. DP starts complaining (when he normally doesn't care about these things, but he knows I do). When I explain that she's always on the bed with dirty socks (I was sick, not into arguing), I again the "you hate my daughter:" and he sulks.
Basically, I always end up feeling hurt and misunderstood when it comes to her. And while it's not her fault, his overreactions affect my feeling towards her. Xmas is coming and after being insulted, I don't feel like making her a gift. DP didn't grow up in a country where people celebrate Xmas, so it was only my tradition. Anyways she has electronics, so nothing that's in my budget would beat that. And it doesn't look like anything I do is appreciated any way.
I guess it was just a rant about stupid parents who don't realize that by "defending" their child from nothing, they are only contributing to problems.