9yr old and food issues

[user1469485133]

Hi there,
My partner and I live together with my partner's 9 year old.
I've been in their lives since my partner's child was 4yrs old.
She has always been very selective with food. And I've mainly felt that I would approach this differently to how my partner has, although I don't have children of my own. We are same sex couple (just getting all the facts in!).
We have had some conflicts about this. Mainly we can sit and talk about it when partner's child isn't present and we've tried many different tactics which mainly, I feel, haven't worked.
We used to have conflicts at meal times where I just could not bear to sit and watch her child complain constantly about what was on her plate, and see my partner go in circles and try to please her (that's my perception of it!). At one point my partner was making food for her, and then making her a whole new set of food when she refused to eat it. And I'm not talking about unusual, challenging food either! One extreme was that she threw her plate across the room because she didn't like what was on it!!! Thankfully, I wasn't there at the time. This was several years ago now.
It's less so now she is 9 yrs old, however, in my eyes she hasn't moved on in terms of what food she eats and what foods she says she wants.
She eats pastry, baked beans, white bread, veggie sausages, potatoe, white pasta. She will eat some avocado, cherry tomatoes (not other tomatoes), red pepper and some fruit.
I think I can count on my two hands, what she will eat.
Whilst I'm aware this can be fairly normal behaviour, we have tried unsuccessfully over the years to introduce other foods. She will refuse to even try foods. When we used to go out for meals (rare event!) she would end up having a meltdown because it wasn't white starch or baked beans!

My partner and I are both very into whole foods, food generally and think we both have a really healthy approach to what we put in our body. We both cook equally and talk about food with excitement.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do people mentally deal with this? Is it because I'm not a parent, that I'm struggling so much? I think my upbringing was fairly 'old stool' - there wasn't a menu basically. If i didn't eat my dinner, I certainly wasn't getting a pudding. In fact, pudding was a rare occurrence.

I really, really struggle with this. I look up ways online to help. My partner has told me how she feels about it and is aware that her daughter is selective. Her view is that as long as she's not eating chocolate and sugary foods all day, then this is fine. Her daughter is very cautious by nature, not adventurous, a bit controlling over her environment and generally quite advanced for her age.

I've just read something about The Division of Responsibility (sDOR). I wonder if this is a widespread approach?
I guess the second question is, how do you 'physically' deal with this?

I'm really interested to hear others approaches.
Thanks for reading!

I think you just have to leave your partner to it. You can’t care about your DSD’s diet or behaviour more than her parents. If her mum is happy with what she eating (and with temper tantrums about food), just smile, nod and walk away.

Let your partner cook multiple meals and pander to it if she chooses to. If it really irritates you, then remove yourself from the situation. Go into another room and eat at separate times to your DSD. It’s much easier to just ignore things if you can’t see or hear them.

Thanks KumquatSalad (what an amazing name!),
I think in all the time this has been going on, I've only removed myself once from the room. And it felt good!!
So, yes, perhaps I just need to remove myself from it.
Thank you for your input.

I think it’s that you feel like you aren’t being ‘there’ for you partner when you remove yourself. So as a SM you end up sitting through things that make you cross - entirely unnecessarily.

But you just don’t have to do it. You can leave your partner to her parenting choices. It’s totally ok to do that.

I regularly remove myself from situations that would otherwise annoy me all the time. It’s a blended family, so I cannot do anything about how DH chooses to parent his DC. When it comes to DS3, we can discuss things and I have at least equal input (usually more, because it’s usually me that has to do whatever we decide). But the DSC are not my children, and DH allows them to do all sorts of things I’d never allow in my children.

Yes, absolutely - I feel like I've abandoned my partner if I choose to leave a situation. And yes, yes! I totally I sit through things and allow myself to get frustrated and angry and then I feel like I have to hold that all in, because I'm not a parent.
Can you tell me what DS3 is? Sorry I've not got to grips with the abbreviations yet.
Thanks for your help

You could be talking about my stepson a few years ago. He's 13 now and will eat pretty much anything I put in front of them but we went through many years of him picking at his food, pulling faces, picking bits out eg mushrooms/peppers or whatever, and generally taking hours to finish a meal. We were also up against the fact that we knew his mum would cook him something else if he didn't like what everyone else was having. We refused to do this. The difference here is that my partner backed me up and agreed that at his age he should be eating what the rest of the family were eating. We don't have time to cook multiple meals for fussy eaters!

My opinion probably won't be very popular but I have to say it worked!

If the child is healthy and not suffering any ill effects from her dietary preferences and has met all of her developmental benchmarks, why concern yourself?

Sometimes it is hard to remember that the way that we were raised was the way that our particular parents chose to do things. Their way was not the only way and in some cases not always the best way.

If the child is healthy and the mom does not object to satisfying the daughter's culinary preferences, you might consider this a situation of personal taste and try to forget about it.

Sometimes, when a situation is not broken, there is not much to be gained by trying to fix it. It can just be a different strokes for different folks situation.

@user1469485133

Yes, absolutely - I feel like I've abandoned my partner if I choose to leave a situation. And yes, yes! I totally I sit through things and allow myself to get frustrated and angry and then I feel like I have to hold that all in, because I'm not a parent. Can you tell me what DS3 is? Sorry I've not got to grips with the abbreviations yet. Thanks for your help

DS3 is my third son. And DH’s youngest child too.

You just get used to the acronyms.

She is healthy as far as I can see and as far as I know. She doesn't lack energy or vitality.
Maybe it's just my gripe? I don't know. I've spent a long time thinking about it. Years, in fact!!
I can completely see how those saying it's not for me to get frustrated over, to just disengage and sit back. And most of me wants to do that, some of me wants my opinion to be heard and to be valid.
I think that's part of being a step parent or in a blended family.
Part of it is me being stubborn and not wanting her to get away with being unappreciative or food cooked, or to just think that you never have to put yourself out of your comfort zone and always get what you ask for.
I absolutely don't want conflict though, so if that's what comes first for me, then I should just disengage. That would make things easier for all three of us.

chocolate saltyxmaspud balls,

I get your point, because that is how I was brought up by my parents. My sister and I ate the same things and then mostly, the same things that my parents ate. So I guess I'm tuned into that. There was no way they were going to make 3 or 4 different meals at one sitting!

I feel your pain. We have a very similar situation here, however my step daughter eats far less than the child you describe here. I find it very stressful trying to plan meals for when she is here (dreading Xmas because I can't think of what to feed her for a continuous week). It is particularly stressful as I have expectations about what my two kids will eat. They aren't allowed to be picky, not try things, whine at the table (and as a result are brilliant eaters), yet we have to have a seperate rule for step daughter. Going out for a meal is virtually impossible. I have no solutions to offer you, just lots of empathy!

Oh Restlessinthenorth - you are definitely in a much more challenging position than me. At least I don't have my own children, with their boundaries. As we just have my stepdaughter, it makes it easier than your situation. I really feel for you.
It is still virtually impossible for us to eat out, unless its chips from a chip shop, somewhere that does beans on toast or pasta. If a slither of anything she doesn't recognise or hasn't tasted, dares to infiltrate even the smallest part of her food, she will just stop eating.
Thank you for the empathy and I'm sending lots of it to you too x

It is worth remembering that until you're in your teens and have a bit of freedom, food is the one thing that you have absolute control over. It can become a real power issue because as a responsible parent, you want your child to a) eat and b) to eat well but would rather they eat than eat nothing at all. Personally, I do what is asked - so no chips touching peas if that helps - and I remove a full plate if it is refused without making any kind of fuss. I also refuse to cook an additional meal and will let them go hungry till the next day. Eating out happened along the same lines - including just having a drink whilst the rest of us ate.

Many adults have 'issues' with food which include, for example, not wanting to eat something that other foods have touched (even if they're happy to eat everything on the plate). It's up to mum what she does.

Just step away and let your DP deal with it.

DS was a very fussy eater when younger - he has got a bit better now - and forcing the issue would have made every meal into a real minefield.

If it upsets you to see food you've made rejected just let your DP put some beige food in the oven. My cousin was in a similar situation- she likes everything to be home prepared but the step DCs when young had limited palates - and she said she just backed off totally. Now they are young adults they are happy to eat most things.

As a Mum to a former ''picky'' eater.. Ignore it as much as you can. You can't force these things & food can become a weapon. Any irritation or tension just increases the power. It gets better with age... wasn't till senior school that my DC improved!

I do sympathize though, used to really get to me & took every drop of control I had to not react to it!

It’s hard, my DSS’s were really fussy when I met them. However their fussiness was due to their mother feeding them takeaways and freezer food. It sounds like your step daughter is surrounded by lots of good and healthy food.
Ultimately it is your partner’s responsibility about what she wants to do about it. If she won’t work together with you on it then def step back and leave it to her. Fussy eating is so frustrating without having the parent pander to it.
In terms of what worked for me, I would try varying what you know she likes, so she likes cherry tomatoes and red peppers. Could you make a pasta sauce with that? Involve her the first time in making it so she can see. Then next time make a few tweaks, grate a little bit of extra veg in and see how she gets on. She likes pastry and veggie sausages, could you do home made sausage rolls? I would also keep things separate on the plate so the whole meal isn’t ruined by her not liking a small part.

I just want to say how much I appreciate all of the replies here. And whilst I've not responded to each one individually, I've taken on board what you're all saying.
I thought about you all whilst I made dinner last night haha!
We are isolating and I'm doing all the cooking at the moment, as my partner has tested positive for Covid. My partner said maybe we could have taco's and a sort of tex mex style thing. So I put everything in separate little bowls. And brought out lots of different foods. The minute my SD heard that we were having butter beans in a tomato sauce (for the taco's)...and that she could have baked beans with the taco's, she said she wasn't going to try anything else I brought out. Even though, she had no idea what any of it was going to be.
I held my breath, cooked and brought it out.
Typically, she ate some cherry tomatoes and some orange pepper with her baked beans. The point is, we put it out, didn't talk about it and she took what she wanted.
We've tried to get her involved in cooking, and she's disinterested even if it involves baked beans! I think it it's cakes or biscuit making, she's there!
Thanks again everyone, i really appreciate your input and it makes me feel very much less alone with this step parenting stuff.

OP the good thing is that she had a varied meal with protein and a mixture of vegetables. Not pushing it but having a variety of foods out is definitely the way to go.

I still remember a few years ago in Italy with DS and DH and I ordered a seafood platter for a starter, not expecting DS to try any of it, well blow me down did he not develop a taste for cockles which even I find a bit overly fishy, and he devoured all of the lovely prawns. In fact we've often found he expands his repertoire on holiday, when interestingly there are no expectations from our end and quite happy for him to eat spaghetti bolognaise every night.