Help please! Blended families.

[conflictedandconfused18]

My partner has a 5 year old son with his ex.

His ex unfortunately seems to use his son as a pawn and he has only seen his son two times this year.

My partner and I have two young children together - 2 & 1.

My partner spent a few hours with his son at my partners parents place over the weekend for a Christmas celebration as he won't get to see his son for Christmas.

My partner went to the lunch on his own and the younger kids and I stayed at home.

Over the years my partners ex has withdrawn visitations (not court ordered), been really friendly and nice one minute and then cut contact the next.

Am I wrong in not wanting my children to be caught up in the middle of this?

I really wish things were different and we could all have a relationship but I think things are too volatile and unstable.

I am trying to protect my kids from getting to know their brother then only be able to see and hear from him a couple of times a year. I also don't want to have them happy and excited to see him and then have that withdrawn too.

Yes....there is more to the story, there always is but I don't want to make it a novel...and yes we have tried to go down the road of getting a court order in place but unfortunately that isn't possible right now either. I have tried to build a relationship with my partners ex before, for the sake of the kids only to have her stop messaging me and cut contact because I apparently said something she didn't agree with.

I just want to know am I the big mean ogre here or what should I do? We have said that we want my partner and his son to build a relationship first before building the relationship with the little ones too.

I need some serious advice please.

I do think you're unreasonable yes. If your children never see their brother, they won't get to know him. Their brother may feel isolated from them and feel sad about it.

Seeing him sometimes is better than never seeing him at all.

Worrying about them being disappointed doesn't trump the little boy's need to see his siblings or theirs to see him.

Children are flexible and understanding. If there are any cancelled plans, just brush it off.

"Oh, it looks like we can't see Sam this weekend after all...his Mummy says he has to do X instead."

And don't let your children hear you being sad about it or talking about it too much. They will follow your lead.

Yes you’re overthinking it. Children have all kinds of relationships with people that they only see a couple of times a year, it doesn’t need to be upsetting or difficult.

You're unreasonable.

My half brother and half sister lived in a different country while I was growing up so I saw them once a year and sometimes missed a year. We are still really close, especially as adults now.

I also can't see why he can't go the court access route. Other than you've "tried" and it didn't work out. If you couldn't see your two kids would you just stop trying?

I think you are unreasonable tbh.

I know you said there is more and I do understand that but surely there is legal action that can be taken on your partners side to ensure he sees his children??

You are being unreasonable, just because you don't get along with the mother means the same for the kids. They are still young and would love to see their brother even if it's once a year.

I do think you are unreasonable to not allow the two children to see their sibling.

A few times a year is much much preferable to not at all. The children are all quite small still, there's no need for it to be awkward or weird.

Has his son not asked why his siblings have stopped seeing him? He is aware he's got two siblings isn't he? Has he not asked where they are?

YNBU. I am in a similar situation albeit with a much older DSS and it is heartbreaking to see my DD so upset and having a slither of a relationship. She is only 2 as well and doesn't understand why she sees this person so sporadically and builds a bond with him to them not see him again for 4 months.. I used to make a real effort to try to talk about him with her, look at photos and post cards but I've stopped now because she is ultimately the loser in all of this and it feels like I am forcing something that isn't there. I can pretend they have a close relationship to help the adults feel better but they don't so ive stopped. DSS is always welcome at our house and perhaps as adults things will be better for them but no one else is considering my DDs feelings in all of this so I feel like I need to.

You’re not unreasonable for not wanting your children in the middle. I wouldn’t want them to be aware of the stresses and the complications or the exes attitude.

I do think they should be allowed to mix when your DH does have contact though.

Yanbu. Seeing a sibling a few times a year is not the same as contact being randomly stopped for random periods of time.

Dads who show up sometimes but not others are often bashed and the DMs advised to cut contact once and for all, because it messes with the kids emotions too much to expect him and then be let down repeatedly. I cannot imagine why it would be different for a sibling.
I know a man who made this decision. He lost contact with his kids, after court battles and the whole shebang, then his eldest got back in touch, but kept letting him down, changing plans, making last minute demands egged on by her mother (you’ll cancel your filling at the dentist and take me to the cinema or you don’t love me and you’ll never see me again” type thing) and when she demanded to meet her half sister for the first time or never see him again, he had to draw the line. He didn’t want his youngest dragged in to the circus while everything was still so volatile. So he lost touch with his eldest again. Her and her mothers choice.
I’d want to see a protracted period of calm and regular contact between father and child before I’d be happy for sibling relationships to be built.

Some children have siblings who live in other states or other countries. They do not get to see them very often and they are not damaged by the lack of frequency. Would you deny your child the chance to see his or her sibling under those circumstances?

Some children have parents who are in the military and do not get to see those parents for extended periods. Would you deny your child the right to see that parent because of lack of frequency?

Children can live in environments where circumstances create the need for them to be flexible and adapt. They are not necessarily harmed by any of these situations. They learn that this is their particular reality and t.hey adjust.

Your unhappiness or dislike for the mom should not be visited upon any of the children. They are all actors in this drama , but none of them are writing the script. These children are siblings who have the right to get to know each other and to interact when time and opportunity permits.

Your children lose nothing by having infrequent contact with their brother, and they all have the potential to build a close relationship.

You are fighting an unnecessary battle and for what real purpose? My kids only see their paternal grandparents 3 or 4 times a year. The grandparents live in a different part of the country, and yet they have a loving and close relationship with those grandparents. It is not the frequency of contact that builds the relationship but the quality of the interaction when it happens.