Stepmum and becoming a new mum

[Northernstar1245]

I’m a stepmum and soon to be first time mum and I’m looking for tips/thoughts on forming friendships with other mums. For example, when do you mention that you’re step mum too? How much did you speak about your experiences as a step mum (in relation to being a mum)?

I guess my main issue is I’m feeling unsure about how to deal with how I might be perceived by other mums/parents (based on negative views in society about stepmums in general). I shouldn’t care too much what people think about my family situation but I’ve moved to a new area and would really like to meet people and for baby to make friends.

Have been with DH for 7 years. He had split from exW 3 years prior and I had nothing to do with that. He had (two) kids young so they’re mid/late teens now. I waited for us to have kids (I’m mid 30s) to try to make things easier in terms of getting a house big enough for everyone, existing kids being more independent, building up a relationship with them. It’s not all been easy in the past but there are positive signs that kids are happy and accepting of the new baby touch wood - so I’m v lucky on that side of things.

It’s lovely to have groups to meet other mums and generally have people be nice to you when you say your expecting - I didn’t find anything like this when I became stepmum! But I’m struggling a bit with (real or my imagined) perceptions of others towards me when I say I’m a stepmum too. I care about my step kids and am very proud of them but so far in life, work etc. I haven’t spoken about them with others much because (unless it’s with my family) as I think they and their mum would be pissed off as it’s not my place to do so, but i can imagine as baby groups will be focussed on family things the conversation my turn to step kids and being a stepmum. I’m wondering how I can navigate it in a lighthearted way without being defensive and having to go into so much detail about what’s happened and all our family arrangements to prevent presumptions I was OW and DH is a terrible father etc. which is really far from the case.

We have just started an NCT class and everyone in the group are first time parents and likely (if married) first marriages too (unlikely to have any experience of being a step parent). Really appreciate DH joining in as it’s for my benefit really as he’s been through this before. Feeling I’m putting us in a socially awkward position as I/our family will be judged as it seems nuclear family types are more common so we/I go against the grain of what seems to be idealised so much. Don’t want to be so unkind to myself to say that I represent a threat because the role stepmum evokes connotations family breakdown at an emotional time of life for new parents in first marriages - but it’s that kind of thing that crosses my mind.

I guess I’m going to come across it a lot going to mum and baby groups that it’s mainly first time mums (who aren’t step mums) as those who already have children will have friendships/been through the newborn stage already.

Has anyone else been through this/felt like this at this stage?

Firstly MN is not real life.

Secondly due to the age gap between your baby and their half-siblings, there is absolutely no need to mention them to other mothers until you know them better.

“What are you up to at the weekend, Northern?”
“Oh we have DSC this weekend so off to the beach, looking forward to it, they are great with baby it’s lovely”
There you go. It’s not bad news you have to sit down and break to them. I think it’s now the case that the majority of kids won’t still have together parents by the time they reach 16, so it’s not unusual at all.
Try not to overthink, you’ve got more than enough going on 💐

A few of my first time mum friends are stepmums too. It's not been any sort of issue at all in any way. I can't even remember how any of them told me - must have just naturally come up as part of conversation in the same way what we do for a living etc did.

Tbh most of the talk in the early days is about sore nipples, poo, and sleepless nights. So you'll bond with other mums over that soon enough

Also friends with several single mums. Only time that's an issue is when I have to stop myself saying insensitive stuff like "I bet it's actually easier not having a DH around" when my DH is being a twat.

Aww no don’t overthink these things.

You’re a mum first and foremost, and these baby groups are for you to enjoy as a mum. No need to introduce yourself as a stepmum or talk about your stepkids too, unless people ask about your family in more detail and you want to share those details.

And to be honest, people will not view you negatively for being a stepmum if they do find out. It’s such a normal thing these days. And if anyone does have a problem, it says more about them than it does about you.

@RedMarauder thank you - this is my usual tack, but with the baby spotlight seems to be on family.

@Youseethethingis thank you for the kind words ❤️

@AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings this is good to hear. It would be great to meet some other stepmums through the course of having baby too.

OP you could have been me 4 years ago.

Pregnant with first baby, DH had two kids from a previous relationship.

Don’t overthink it. You’ll probably find that most baby groups and certainly NCT, the talk will focus on your babies, how everyone else is coping and all things baby related.

Four years on I’m really good friends with my NCT bunch. The SC rarely come up in conversation as it just isn’t a relevant subject when we’re all together with our little ones.

I wouldn't worry too much. Lots of blended families are common. I have two boys 12 and 9 and two step sons 10 and 9. We're expecting our first, a daughter, in 8 weeks.
I feel like a FTM again, I'm alot older than the last time obviously (just turned 39).
Everyone's circumstances are different. I wouldn't assume all mums are first timers or don't have involvement with other kids.

OP healthcare workers treating you need to know that your baby will be in a safe environment and whether there could be inherited health problems, which is why they ask about half-siblings. I saying this as a step-mother and as someone who has half-siblings.

Other people really don't care. There are loads more blended families then when I was a child. If you start talking to random people you find lots more people than you realise are in a blended family.

Thanks everyone - it’s good to hear these experiences

I agree that you don’t need to overthink it. Just mention your DSC when it’s relevant to do so. Or not.

In real life, no one is going to be weird about it. It’s just not like MN (in so many ways).

Mostly I just get comments about us having a full house when I tell other mums at baby groups about the family make up. We are a big family when everyone is in the house though so that’s reasonable.

What I notice is that pretty much everyone at the groups I’m in is a first time mum. So the biggest difference is not that I have DSC; it’s that this is my third child and it definitely shows. Everyone else is so much more careful with their babies than me. There’s a lot of tentative dipping babies in the water at baby swimming, and then me just dunking poor DS3. He’s my third, and DH’s third; he just got to get on with things. 😂

You’ll probably find that you are in exactly the same boat as all the other FTMs, regardless of having DSC. It’s just not the same as having your own baby.

I also found that HCPs only ever asked about my obstetric history and my children’s births/health. DH was insulted they didn’t ask about the DSC but I pointed out that his ex’s pregnancies and births were totally irrelevant to me. My own pregnancies and births were completely relevant to supporting me and DS3.

Just enjoy your pregnancy @Northernstar1245, and the baby when it arrives too. 😁

In the kindest way I think you are overthinking it; families are all very different and I’ve never felt judged for our family being different and it’s never occurred to me that anyone would think I was the other woman. When I had my first DD we went to NCT and my DH spoke a bit about his experiences with his older DD during our group discussions and there was another mum there who had an older child and it was her husbands first child so they spoke a bit about that too. When people would ask if it was my first baby; I’d say it was my first and I also had an older stepchild as it’d of felt odd not to mention her. In a lot of conversations with other mums in the first year it’s all about feeding, sleep, weaning which aren’t things you’d of experienced with your DSD so it’ll all be new to you too.

The only person who is judging you seems to be YOU OP! Families come in all sorts, I don’t think there really is a “desirable “ one as long as it’s a happy one who cares?

You can mention them without getting into your life story, my first baby his third, or dsc had horrible tantrums etc

The reality is no one really cares that much. Baby groups are about babies so enjoy that for what it is

DH was insulted they didn’t ask about the DSC but I pointed out that his ex’s pregnancies and births were totally irrelevant to me.
I am more irritated than I should be on your behalf. Why on earth would a HCP be bothered about some other random woman’s pregnancies and children? They might as well be saying “you were on a thread with Yousee on Mumsnet - how did her vagina get on during childbirth” for all the relevance it has to you

@Youseethethingis

DH was insulted they didn’t ask about the DSC but I pointed out that his ex’s pregnancies and births were totally irrelevant to me. I am more irritated than I should be on your behalf. Why on earth would a HCP be bothered about some other random woman’s pregnancies and children? They might as well be saying “you were on a thread with Yousee on Mumsnet - how did her vagina get on during childbirth” for all the relevance it has to you

Indeed.

It is amazing that I had to explain this to him. You’d think it would be obvious that it would have no bearing on my body or our baby whatsoever. And, moreover, of no interest to me (never mind any HCPs).

At one point he started telling me about how his ex was rh negative. I actually had to stop him and tell him that I didn’t care in the least about his ex’s blood type. Mine is going to stay B+ regardless. And that’s all that matters. 🙄

I really think that you are over thinking things.

I'm part way through my NCT course and one woman is a stepmum. I only know because they mentioned it was her first/ her husband's third child during introductions and mentioned that the older children were excited to meet the new baby. No one batted an eye and it hasn't come up again

@Youseethethingis

DH was insulted they didn’t ask about the DSC but I pointed out that his ex’s pregnancies and births were totally irrelevant to me. I am more irritated than I should be on your behalf. Why on earth would a HCP be bothered about some other random woman’s pregnancies and children? They might as well be saying “you were on a thread with Yousee on Mumsnet - how did her vagina get on during childbirth” for all the relevance it has to you

This irritates and astounds me also!!

Why on Earth would they care about another woman's obstetric history in relation to your own care? Bizarre ...

OP, my partner has two kids (teens) and I have a daughter from previous relationship. I'm also 5 months pregnant with our first baby together. When I go to baby groups and NCT etc I don't plan to mention my partner's kids at all, since they aren't relevant to the group or why I'm there. I'm there to form connections and support networks with other mums to babies, because that's what the group is for. I honestly would never even mention his kids unless I was specifically asked "does your partner have children?". Even if I was asked "is this your first?" my answer would "no it's my second" (again, no need to mention partner's kids as it's not relevant). So as others have said... you're probably slightly overthinking things

Why on Earth would they care about another woman's obstetric history in relation to your own care? Bizarre ...

I think he had a bit of a chip on his shoulder about maternity services ‘excluding’ fathers. So it was him feeling that only my previous children/pregnancies mattered and his didn’t. But... they just weren’t relevant. It was about my body and how it copes with pregnancy and childbirth. And the best evidence for that would be... the two previous experiences I’d had.

You’d think this stuff would be obvious. I had to explain to him that his ex having preeclampsia twice and requiring early sections was no more relevant to my pregnancy than the fact the midwife had a bacon sandwich for breakfast. In fact, less relevant. At least the midwife not being hungry might have some impact on my care. 😂

Since you are presumably having a baby with a man who is less hard of thinking than my DH @Northernstar1245, I think you’re going to be fine. As far as maternity services are concerned, it’s your first baby. And you should feel absolutely right going about your life as a FTM when the baby arrives.

You’d think this stuff would be obvious. I had to explain to him that his ex having preeclampsia twice and requiring early sections was no more relevant to my pregnancy than the fact the midwife had a bacon sandwich for breakfast.

Excellent 😂😂

Thanks everyone. DH says I’m a massive over thinker and come up with things that never cross his mind too. Everyone is saying the same thing as him so he has a point.

@KumquatSalad 😂😂 DH has only attended the first booking in appointment over phone - this was the only time step kids were mentioned and then first time I saw my midwife in person. She mentioned she was a stepmum too and that it’s not easy, I agreed at that was it. Think it’s a box in the green book notes and see if there’s any health issues related to half siblings that could be relevant as previous posters have said. He hasn’t been to any other appointments due to restrictions.

I agree you are overthinking it. One of my closest NCT friends is divorced and a stepmother when she became pregnant with her first baby.

Just say something along the lines “we also have DH’s children with us 50% or so of the time but they are teenagers now and I wasn’t around when they were young, so this is all new to me.”

@RedMarauder I also became a mum in my 30s (now 2 year old) with already having 3 (now teen step kids) it's a Adjustment and I rally understand the social aspect :) happy to chat if you wanna inbox x

I have a 15 month old and 2 DSS (14 + 18). This is your first pregnancy and baby so it should be all about you. When people ask “is this your first” I always said yes! I might mention I had 2 older DSS but sometimes not. If my DH was there I would oh yes it’s my first but DH 3rd child. You enjoy getting to know people as you and a new mum to your baby.
Also don’t let your DH fool you into thinking he knows what he’s doing. My DH was totally USELESS when DS was newborn. He honestly was like a first time Dad.