Overprotective mother?!

[cherry101]

Hello all, DH has DS5 from ex. They split years ago. She is really starting to get on my wick. Ss is great and like any normal kid but when DH goes to pick him every week He is 20 mins waiting for her to let him go. I get she will miss him but shes putting him in the car herself, saying her goodbyes over n over again. Is it me or is this a bit much ? I have my own DC and when they went to their fathers at the wknds it was like a 5 min job. We sometimes had places to be in the past and would always have to be early to pick up or late for the event/plans.
Currently don't live with each other yet and she has asked dh not to allow ds to sleep over at my house as it may disturb his routine. 🤨
Is there anyone else like this out there ?

It is up to your husband to put boundaries in place with his ex to stop her nonsense.

I've found the best way to do this is to have friends and acquaintances - some of mine and some of his own - talk to him about it.

I agree with @RedMarauder. It’s him lacking boundaries with his ex. He’s letting her make a fuss and dictate how he lives his life.

There’s nothing you can do about it though. He needs to put the boundaries in place and firmly hold them when she pushes back.

Your married but not living together yet?

As a parent you never lose the right to share your feelings about situations that impact the behavior and well-being of your mutual child with his or her other parent. That parent is not compelled to agree or comply with you view or request, but there is nothing inappropriate but sharing those thoughts. That is what concerned parents do. It is has nothing to do with being a couple but everything to do with being a parent.

As to the time spent in picking up the child, if he does not speak up about her actions delaying him, the mom has no reason to think that she is causing a problem for the dad. The dad, if he is bothered, might simply say " sorry, but I have to run." The mom is not crossing a boundary. No boundary has been set. If dad say "goodbye" and starts his vehicle, the issue resolves itself.

Does he do anything about or just come and whinge to you so you can both moan about her together?

Yes my DP’s youngest mum is like this. She is better now as he has eventually put boundaries in. It took some time though and I had to voice my feelings. Not always in the best way admittedly as it would wind me up.

But he has to change it and not you.

DPs ex was loving lockdown with a reason not to let his son come to us. He didn’t see that and said she was being over cautious but given she lives in the same area and I saw her out and about I knew that was rubbish.

She didn’t want him to come so used that to make DP go there, and wouldn’t accept that if he’s going there to see him, hug him, play with him, he may aswell have come round because DP had seen all the rest of us anyway!! She loved being able to get ‘DSS’ to call DP everyday sometimes numerous times a day. FYI he was 4 and does not have his own phone, so really she was doing the calling. I don’t begrudge my DSS calling his dad at all. But this was all definitely used to manipulate the situation to her advantage. Funnily enough he never called everyday before or since!

I told DP he needed to put boundaries in, because it was ridiculous and she was manipulating him to get what she wanted and using DSS to do so, and if he continued to allow it she always would and the only person suffering would be DSS who went 5 months without seeing his half sibling or visiting a new house he has just got used to because of her antics.

Unfortunately people often don’t like shared parenting or their ex partner moving on, and sometimes this kind of thing can happen. But if he doesn’t put boundaries in now, she will continue as, why wouldn’t she!?

@Blendiful shared parenting isn't easy for the mother at all, especially when 'step mums' get too involved and try to call all the shots. I never understand why the dads partner doesn't just let the bio mum and dad to Parent themselves

Our ex was like that too. She no longer has to be like this as SD (14) clearly sees coming to our house as an EOW event, not one day more, not on vacation, not when she's home-schooling, not even to go on vacation to her home country with us.

When she was 9, she would spend 50% of the time with us in the summer (1 week at a time). The mother got a cleaning job nearby on Wednesdays, she would come visit her, totally ignore me in my own house.

During the rest of the year, when SD would be with us EOW (Friday night to Sunday afternoon), she would always find a reason to call.

My DP does go to her house to visit SD the weekends she's not with us.

I remember I once went to pick up SD for literally one(!) day, she was almost 13, the mother took off to McDonald's telling my DP that I had to go there. They saw me in the parking lot, she came out with SD and stood there hugging for a few minutes.

My DP doesn't see an issue there because the mother has the right to hug and miss the kids. I know it's subtle manipulation to make sure that the child prefers the mother, but it's hard to prove. To be honest, I don't think there's anything that can be done about it, other than ignoring and concentrating on other things. I limit my involvement with SD to the minimum, I have my own kids to take care of.