Christmas Presents when Step Kids father doesn't buy anything!

[stepdad101]

There is a massive backstory to my family setup but I'm not going to cover that right now, I will just summarise it so you get an idea.

I have 3 step kids that all currently live my DP and I full time, the step children all have the same father and my DP was in an abusive relationship with him for 16 years. During those 14 years he came and went as he pleased and never financially supported my DP or his children.

There was a 4 year gap where he didn't see his children, this was because he finally got the message that my DP wasn't going to put up with his abuse anymore and she was going to start a new life with me. I took on the three kids and have supported everyone financially (which I have no issue with at all). For the last 4 years the children's father has done everything he can to evade any responsibility and avoid paying any child maintenance, he hasn't paid a penny in those 4 years and is currently facing a liability order for the sum of around £10,000. For this financial year he has adjusted his claimed earnings on his self-assessment so he earns less than £7 per week and is therefore exempt from paying any future CM (even though he owns his own business, rents a house, runs a car etc).

Now that my eldest stepson is old enough to make his own decisions about seeing his dad he has chosen to get back in contact and is spending some time with him, that's fine, it's his decision he may get hurt in the process as I know his dad hasn't changed but it's something my SS needs to go through and find out for himself and his mum and I will always be there for him when he needs us.

Now I come to the issue that's playing on my mind.... Christmas presents! Before my SS started seeing his dad again we gave the kids a budget and they made lists, my SS decided he wants one present from us which has a value of £250. Now I know that his dad is very unlikely to spend anywhere near £250 on presents for his son as he has never bought them presents in the past and for my SS's birthday last month he only gave him £10.

My question is; is it acceptable for my SS be expecting his mum and I (though he knows the money mainly comes from me as I have a job and his mum is a SAHM) to buy him something for £250 yet have no expectations for his dad to spend a decent amount of money on him (it wouldn't have to be £250 as I know a lot of people can't afford anywhere near that)? I feel that if my SS wants his dad back in his life then he should also expect his dad to take on the role of being a father and for his father to start contributing financially rather than my SS expecting me to continue carrying on paying for everything that he wants.

On his birthday it seemed perfectly acceptable for his dad to only give him £10 as he got a new bike from his mum and I and that was the present he wanted and was made up with it. Yet I know for a fact if he had only got £10 from his mum and I he would of been gutted and kicked off!!

His dad has money and can afford to buy his children decent presents but he chooses not to! His dad happily bought a £100,000 piece of machinery through the business last month which my SS knows about and has been in yet my stepson seems to have no expectation for his dad to start paying his part and financially looking after his children

Yes my stepson is aware of the child maintenance non-payment and he is fully aware that I have supported the family for the last 4 years. I should also add that I have a great relationship with all 3 of my step kids.

I'm interested to hear your thoughts as I'm having a bit of a battle with myself and hate the thought of my SS not getting the present he wants but not wanting to be treated as a mug and a cash cow!

He can take a risk asking you because he knows you have his best interests at heart and you won't turn your back on him. Sadly the same is not true of his biological father.

Totally get why you feel angry about his deadbeat ‘dad’.

Disregard the loser ex completely and keep doing the great job you’re doing. On Christmas gifts, where did the £250 figure come from?

This is a huge amount for a child to expect. If you can afford it then fine but if you can’t, or usually have a more modest budget then just be honest about it. You don’t need to mention anything else.

Being a step parent sucks. You get all the expectations with no appreciation. As long as the kids are fully aware about financial part, I. E. Their father actively avoiding paying any money for their upbringing and you, their stepdad pay for everything, unusually generously, then there is not much else you can do. It is likely SS's desire to be around his biological father will be over soon, he will no doubt be disappointed one way or another.

His expectations are based on past experience. He doesn't expect anything from his dad who has proven he is unreliable and not going to contribute to anything financially. £10 for his birthday was probably more than he thought he would get.
Of course he expects more on you - after all he knows you what you have done for his mum, siblings and you have more of a family relationship that he will ever have with his deadbeat dad. Asking for something that costs £250 is a teen thing too!

Maybe DSS sees you as the 'real' Dad and that's why his expectations are higher. He may not have the words to express this at 17 but I'm sure he appreciates everything you and his Mum do. The urge to be accepted by his biological Dad could be why he's resumed contact and why he doesn't feel able to set expectations on gifts from him etc.

I feel that if my SS wants his dad back in his life then he should also expect his dad to take on the role of being a father and for his father to start contributing financially rather than my SS expecting me to continue carrying on paying for everything that he wants

In the end, your DSD is going to learn decent behaviour from you , not from his Dad. In time, he will mature and the disconnect you currently recognise only too keenly will occur to him, too.

But for now, he is too young. He looks at his Dad, and will have incredibly complex feelings about his disappearance, his behaviour to his Mum, and the fact that, well, he is his dad. He also has his own relationship with you. And you should be proud of the relationship you have built and the responsibility to you have stepped up to, and when his Dad flakes out again, or starts to play games, he will know that you are still around.

So, maintain your own relationship, enjoy giving him things that will give him pleasure. Don't stoop to he level of his Dad. Treat him exactly as you would had his Dad not re-appeared.

As he is probably a young teen, do be prepared for some bumpy times ahead. 'You're not my Dad!' if you try and limit screen time etc. It is normal. Don't give up. You are the better partner to his Mum and a better step-Dad than his Dad is dad. Enjoy it, and be at peace with yourself for doing so.

@stepdad101 my partners eldest is actually not his biologically.. his biological dad has nothing to do with him however he does have my partners contact details (for the day the child who's almost 18 may want to meet him as this cannot be arranged through his mum ) he calls every couple of years to check in... say he thinks of the child constantly etc and asks for updates. My partner talk for half an hour then it's done.

Years ago my partner got annoyed because there has never been a offer of money, birthday or Christmas, Easter etc. Nothing.

He even calls and introduces himself as' ***'s dad'

He called when my partner and the child's mum divorced 5 years ago just to basically check my DP was still going to see the child and raise/support him.

It's wild... but over the years my partner and home have realised were the lucky ones who know this kid and face the pleasure of seeing him succeed. His bio dad has not contributed to his manners, education or morals so why would a birthday gift mean anything.

It's hard but try to see the positives and let him fail without you dropping your standards.

I hope this helps somewhat.

Agree with others here.

You set the boundaries for presents in your home and think no more of it.

Turning it round there are three kids here. He sees one? if he started spending 250 on that one what happens with the other two? Do you then feel guilty and compensate by doubling there. Where does it end.

Your step son sees you as the constant. That's what's important.

I understand the hurt, anger and frustration you are feeling, mainly at the dad but getting wound up about a child's expectations and "unfairness" of them is a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

It won't change the dads behaviour, will make your ss sad, hurt and perhaps feel resented by you and will put a real dampener on Christmas overall.

I get it I really do! My ex never paid cm in full or without being chased a lot and not even always then! I raised dd essentially as a single parent from the age of 2 until high school and then around that time she realised that I had been protecting her from her dads lack of effort (not just maintenance, I bent over backwards, emotionally, practically and financially to ensure she still saw and had a relationship with him, covered for his cock ups until I reached a point I simply couldn't do it any more!)

She asked me to stop doing so, let him sink or swim by his own efforts and the result was within a year all contact had ceased she got a Christmas card the following February with her birthday card!

She ended up not seeing him or having any contact until last year. She reached out to him (he could ALWAYS get in contact with her if he so wished - he knew our address and landline number and was never blocked by either of us on mobiles or sm but he blocked us - yes he blocked his own daughter off sm)

For whatever reason this time he was open to speaking with dd and they've been in contact since. It absolutely hasn't been smooth sailing.

Dd is an adult now and I can't make her decisions for her. She knows my opinion of him and what he has/hasn't done (which he has of course denied/lied about) and is navigating the situation cautiously and tentatively.

I'm hoping it goes ok but I'm also worried.

All you can do is support your dp and ss

If you can easily afford that amount on a single present and spend similar amounts on all dc (have you any of your own? Can't tell) and it's a reasonable amount in your family's budget then it's up to you and dp.

He (dad) is not your problem. I know it's hard right now, but kids are generally not daft! They figure out what people are really like. I've seen it time and again in such situations.

They may "play nice" and be polite and civil to the less than stellar parent but they are usually pretty good at sussing out not to rely on them.

They also do learn to show their appreciation for their resident parent and step parents.

I have several friends my age who had step parents, and on occasion were little so and so's in childhood/teen years to them but as adults they're very close and very much appreciate all the step parent did for them.

It's a long game and no it's not easy at all!

You didn't come across as a dick to me you came across as hurt and worn down which isn't surprising considering the circumstances, the season AND the tough year we've all had!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Hopefully will make you laugh. She is very wary to even disagree with her dad on minor matters. but she will quite happily argue with me until the cows come home! She'll even call me JUST to have a cathartic arguing session if she's having a stressful day! Real humdingers!

I take it as a great compliment as it means she feels totally safe and secure that NOTHING she can say will make me not love her - she doesn't feel that about her dad at all.

Love is what makes a parent not biology

This has nothing to do with your ss. You should carry on treating him the way you always would. You can't control his dad and based on what you have said he may not be in the picture for long anyway. Be the Rick your ss needs. Don't make this about money.

Feels like you're mixing things. Your SS sounds like he views you as his Dad, and attributes the typical expectations you might expect to that role. I'm not sure you can expect him to separate things as rationally as you can, and see what his Father 'should' do (to earn the mantle so to speak).

I sympathize with how you feel, and just want to say its natural, normal to be angry with his Father. You have every right to expect him to be a Father, behave like a Father, support his children etc and of course he should. Sadly in life, some people never fail to disappoint us. Some parents simply aren't capable of being what they should or what their child needs them to be. Your SS is very fortunate to have someone like you who has stepped into that position for him. I applaud you very sincerely as its not an easy path to walk. I see his ''expectations'' as a reflection of how he views you, you're Dad... you love him unconditionally. It's not about biology, it's about who was there when it mattered. Also noteworthy, just because he expects doesn't mean you give... ;-)

For my DC, my older brother stepped in similar to how you have done (bar financial support, I do that alone). I like to think it's made a world of difference to DC who looks up to him as if he were Dad.

You're a saint for taking on a woman with 3 children who you financially support. I can see why the situation annoys you.

Unfortunately, your SS wants a relationship with his dad and has minimal expectations of him, which is good, as he won't be disappointed. It's a good way to protect himself from being hurt and one that a lot of adults could adopt, instead of hoping people will suddenly change the habit of a lifetime.

£250 is very generous as well...I've no doubt their lives are so much better with you being part of it.

He’s probably in awe of his dad now because he’s not used to him. He will grow up and realise what type of man his bio dad is.

Morning

Thanks for all the positive comments, today is a better day now my head is straight! Thanks to the helpful MN's, I've now managed to separate the different issues I raised in my post and I'll ensure my SS doesn't suffer and he gets the present he desires.

Just to clear a few things up, no I don't have any children of my own, I didn't find someone who I felt I wanted to bring children into the world with until I got with my current partner, although she would like us to have a child I think after the abuse she went through with her ex she needs time to put herself first and heal herself and a baby would only add to the stress so that's on hold for now.

Yes £250 does seem a lot to me as well and I'm sure my parents never spent that much on me or my brothers, but when you look at the kids who walk round with brand new iPhones and designer clothing etc I'm sure some parents spend a lot more than that?! My step kids all have cheap second-hand iPhones and I do educate them on the value of money so they aren't spoilt. The present my SS chose is to do with his hobby and we probably would of ended up helping him buy it anyway, we give the kids different budgets depending on their ages and needs at that time, it's definitely not £250 on each!

Yes they have all benefitted financially (and emotionally) from me being in their lives, but they know it and are appreciative. I have no issues supporting them as I knew what I was taking on when I started a relationship with their mum. We have a great family unit and all the kids will hug me when they want to and they have all said at some point that they love having me in their life. lt isn't always easy and most of the time it's relentless but that's because it's a rollercoaster of teenage hormones mixed in with the legacy of their fathers previous behaviour towards them!

We have a household with set rules, boundaries and expectations of how we all treat each other, I will happily take their phones or turn off the Wi-Fi when it's required and they know that, but it's been well over 3 years since any of them said "your not my dad you can't tell me what to do" or something similar so I actually believe they are glad they have solid boundaries, they know I'm fair and we all know where the limit is..... I have seen how much all of these kids have changed and developed for the better since I first met them and I now know that how a child grows up is definitely a combination of nature and nurture.

I can also confirm that the SS in question has a massive desire to be liked by his father and I know he will try as hard as he can to impress him.

All his mum and I can do is be there for him when his father lets him down, it's just hard for both of us as we know we have to stand back and let the train crash happen!!

Well done OP, for taking a step back and reading the advice on here.

I didn't say you WERE a dick, I said why would you want to act like one....

You sound like a great stepdad to those 3DC and I know it's not easy as my brother has DSC.

Yes, all you can do is be there for him, support him and listen, and let him find his own relationship with his father whatever that might be.

I tried to protect DD for years over her father's sporadic contact, but in the end she saw for herself that he alone was responsible for his behaviour. She confronted him and asked him to see her more often and things have improved slightly, but still aren't great.

The scales will fall from his eyes soon enough and he will see how bad his dad.
It sounds terrible to say, but I cant wait for my kids to be old enough to see it. A few weeks ago, he had them for 7 hours and when I picked them to go home for dinner, they hadnt had lunch because their dad forgot to feed them but they didnt complain to him because they got to play computer games all day. All the way home in the car was "mum, I'm hungry" and "mum, why didnt you bring food in the car". Like, it was my fault because they obviously expect me to feed them but they didnt have the same expectations on their dad.
(We had it out after that and I now phone at lunch time to make sure they are getting fed).

Sometimes dads are totally shit, but kids want and love them anyway until they get old enough to know better.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Yes the father is also crap at feeding SS, when he gets back from visiting I always ask him what he's had to eat and he'll usually reply with "crisps and biscuits" then he whinges he's starving and raids our cupboards! He's to scared to ask his father for proper food and is just happy to be around him talking about machinery!

At the end of the day he is his father and there should be a bond between them, I get that and I would never try to destroy it. I just wish SS's father would step up and take responsibility, both financially and emotionally! Instead he wants to play mind games and continue to try and manipulate and control my DP by using the kids as chess pieces!...

You're not a dick at all, you're fabulous!

My own DH helped bring up 4 step children, their dad only ever gave us grief and tried to trick the court into giving him residency, - we moved home, he told his solicitor our old address for the correspondence, when we failed to show up, we looked like we weren't bothered. The new owners of our home gave the court officer our address when he turned up with a summons. We had to apply for legal aid, we had to contribute £200 a month towards the costs, but XH didn't have to pay a penny for his legal aid. It took 8 months to resolve. Because he can't hold up the 'I just want to see my kids' act for very long, the court saw right through him. Now HE was a dick. He died 5 years ago, still bleating how we 'stole' his kids. He never tried even sending a birthday card or paying the maintenance due which would've been useful when they were growing like weeds.

20 years on, it's their step dad who they think of as their 'real' dad. Who was asked to walk them down the aisle, who they wanted on the marriage certificates.

I'm sure you'll find your step children will be exactly the same

I can see why you are feeling so frustrated, OP. My XH, a man in his 30's, was still like this with his useless father even during his adult life. I remember my parents helping us out with a house deposit, and my dad and uncle actually doing some of the building work on the house. Barely a thanks. When his dad deigned to visit he was treated like a visiting celebrity and I vividly remember my XH actually cradling a key ring his dad bought him for his 30th and how he kept gushing about what a great present it was ages after his dad had left. It made me feel sad for him but also so angry at him too for being such a fool. His dad had also been absent for most of his childhood and was a massive tool.

Children aren't pay per view and I don't think that your assertion is healthy for your ss. If he was to exert that pressure/expectation and then the relationship came to blows, you'd be the "cause".

You're not going to get an award for choosing to enter a relationship and have supported the children I'm afraid. It's what you signed up for and not the responsibility of the children to carry the burden and be forever thankful for your choices. I know that sounds harsh, but they're genuinely innocent in this.

Children, even teens, have poor understanding of money etc and the average teen could burn hundreds if not thousands in minutes if able to have what they want or what's deemed expected by peer pressure etc. Sadly as children age their financial expectations for gifts change. As a toddler I spent less than £70. Then the first year that an electronic was requested (and it was reasonable an expectation) that alone was £120 in the sales! I fully anticipate the multiplier to continue to increase.

Let him build a relationship. He'll soon discover if he's worthwhile. If he's purposely hiding money etc. Though it sounds as though he's done legitimately what many self employed nrps do though, it's not unusual . And really, in the kindest way, it's none of your business. You've been in their lives 4 years. But you don't trump the father. And all you risk doing is antagonising.

Fwiw kids kick out at those they love and feel most secure with!

@SandyY2K

You're a saint for taking on a woman with 3 children who you financially support. I can see why the situation annoys you.

Unfortunately, your SS wants a relationship with his dad and has minimal expectations of him, which is good, as he won't be disappointed. It's a good way to protect himself from being hurt and one that a lot of adults could adopt, instead of hoping people will suddenly change the habit of a lifetime.

£250 is very generous as well...I've no doubt their lives are so much better with you being part of it.

This. You are a very kind man.

You are the man who doesn‘t let him down. Those relationships have a taken for granted quality to them, which is why you feel taken for granted! But actually it’s because DSS feels secure with you.

Your DSS is also negotiating a relationship with someone who does let him down, but happens to be his bio dad. Emotionally, I can see why he needs to do this. Ironically, you‘ve given him a safe base to do that from. But that’s no bad thing.

Of course it’s bloody irritating, feel free to feel well annoyed!

But also, you‘ll be the bloke who provided a positive model for your DSS so I hope that will comfort you in the long run! And in future I would say it’s fine to have a lower budget for Christmas presents