Christmas Presents when Step Kids father doesn't buy anything!

[stepdad101]

There is a massive backstory to my family setup but I'm not going to cover that right now, I will just summarise it so you get an idea.

I have 3 step kids that all currently live my DP and I full time, the step children all have the same father and my DP was in an abusive relationship with him for 16 years. During those 14 years he came and went as he pleased and never financially supported my DP or his children.

There was a 4 year gap where he didn't see his children, this was because he finally got the message that my DP wasn't going to put up with his abuse anymore and she was going to start a new life with me. I took on the three kids and have supported everyone financially (which I have no issue with at all). For the last 4 years the children's father has done everything he can to evade any responsibility and avoid paying any child maintenance, he hasn't paid a penny in those 4 years and is currently facing a liability order for the sum of around £10,000. For this financial year he has adjusted his claimed earnings on his self-assessment so he earns less than £7 per week and is therefore exempt from paying any future CM (even though he owns his own business, rents a house, runs a car etc).

Now that my eldest stepson is old enough to make his own decisions about seeing his dad he has chosen to get back in contact and is spending some time with him, that's fine, it's his decision he may get hurt in the process as I know his dad hasn't changed but it's something my SS needs to go through and find out for himself and his mum and I will always be there for him when he needs us.

Now I come to the issue that's playing on my mind.... Christmas presents! Before my SS started seeing his dad again we gave the kids a budget and they made lists, my SS decided he wants one present from us which has a value of £250. Now I know that his dad is very unlikely to spend anywhere near £250 on presents for his son as he has never bought them presents in the past and for my SS's birthday last month he only gave him £10.

My question is; is it acceptable for my SS be expecting his mum and I (though he knows the money mainly comes from me as I have a job and his mum is a SAHM) to buy him something for £250 yet have no expectations for his dad to spend a decent amount of money on him (it wouldn't have to be £250 as I know a lot of people can't afford anywhere near that)? I feel that if my SS wants his dad back in his life then he should also expect his dad to take on the role of being a father and for his father to start contributing financially rather than my SS expecting me to continue carrying on paying for everything that he wants.

On his birthday it seemed perfectly acceptable for his dad to only give him £10 as he got a new bike from his mum and I and that was the present he wanted and was made up with it. Yet I know for a fact if he had only got £10 from his mum and I he would of been gutted and kicked off!!

His dad has money and can afford to buy his children decent presents but he chooses not to! His dad happily bought a £100,000 piece of machinery through the business last month which my SS knows about and has been in yet my stepson seems to have no expectation for his dad to start paying his part and financially looking after his children

Yes my stepson is aware of the child maintenance non-payment and he is fully aware that I have supported the family for the last 4 years. I should also add that I have a great relationship with all 3 of my step kids.

I'm interested to hear your thoughts as I'm having a bit of a battle with myself and hate the thought of my SS not getting the present he wants but not wanting to be treated as a mug and a cash cow!

You’re angry with the dad. I get that. He sounds terrible. However you are conflating the two issues...your SS relationship with his dad and your opinion of his dad.

If you were to suddenly treat SS differently the only outcome would be heartache for the SS and his mum. That is who you would hurt.

Don’t play games, don’t stop being a wonderful step dad. Divide yourself from the dad issue and don’t give it any headspace at all. SS will soon work out what a dick his dad is.

You’re getting yourself in a muddle. You say you are happy to provide for the kids but clearly that’s not quite true. Whether that’s because you flat out don’t feel you should be shouldering the full financial burden of someone else’s kids and are actually annoyed at your DP for not financially contributing either, or whether it’s anger at the kids sperm donor for being so utterly useless is for you to explore.
If you want to and can afford it, buy the present by all means, but don’t make it anything to do with whether the kid sees his dad or not. It’s not related in any way.

These issues are too much for a child to be dealing with. He is older now, but not old enough to face all of that. It's too much for him to be thinking about at once.

Right now, he wants to know his dad. Your parenting, your decisions, your financial support has nothing to do with the dad or with what your step children expect from him.

If £250 is too much then you say so. You do not say that you'll do it if the dad does as well. All that does is show the boy that he doesnt matter, but oneupmanship and petty fighting does.

It's perfectly fine to have a chat with him about his expectations, and to suggest that he asks his dad for one thing and you for something else, but be there for him when the dad doesnt bother

You seem to be a very good, kind and generous SF.

But I'm afraid that I think you have to spend the £250. What his DF spends is irrelevant. You should spend the same on exhumed child, and honour the budget you've given them.

It's not fair. Your DDS's DF is taking you for a mug. But that's not the DSS's fault. And it would reflect badly on you if you renege on the budget or spend differently on each child depending on whether they have a relationship with their DF or not.

I'm sorry. It's totally shite. But hopefully your DSS will, in time, come to acknowledge your dignity and fairness.

You get the kids presents within the budget you set, based on what you can afford and want to give. If the budget is less than £250 you have a sensible conversation with the eldest and ask if he wants his budget to be put aside so it can go to saving for the thing he wants or if he wants something else with the budget of X that you have to spend on presents for him.
What the other parent does is irrelevant. His relationship with the other parent is also irrelevant.

😲 each, not exhumed. Sorry!

The dad is irrelevant here. You have a set budget for the DC, you ask them to write lists. He has given you his request. It is either within budget or it isn’t. You can decide either to buy it or give him the money you had budgeted and he can find a way to get the rest of the money himself.

Again, the dad is not relevant.

What was the budget you game him? That's a huge amount for 1 present. Are you married?

You’re projecting grown up emotions and anger towards the dad onto a child who does not have the benefit of seeing how things really are. Effectively you want to punish your stepson for seeing his dad even though you know that it is likely that he will be let down by the man soon enough and suffer the emotions that go with that.

Thanks for the responses so far, your right it is a head f*k for me and that's why I've posted on here, I have no issue spending the money on him and that's why the budget was set. It just hurts that he will probably never have the same expectations of his father as he does of me so once again his father gets away without taking financial responsibility or facing the consequences of bringing 3 children into the world and being a s*t father!!

Obviously I want my SS to have a great Christmas and get everything he wants, I obviously just need to make sure I control my own emotions and frustrations!

He shouldn't be punished for wanting his dad back in his life, no matter how dead beat he is. You carry on supporting him financially and emotionally. Because the likelihood is in the near future he will need that support when his dad lets him down.

I have a very uneasy set up with my own step family. And fairly often we have to pick up the pieces, but it's part and parcel of life and we do it because we care.

Show him through actions that he is loved and cared for. Because you know one day soon is dad is going to seriously let him down.

So you're saying you gave the child a budget, the child chose a present within that budget?

So if you now withdraw the offer of a present up to this value (by the sound of it only for the one child who wants to have a relationship with his dad? It sounds like you're still happy to buy a present for the children that remain loyal to you?) do you think that perhaps the child will see this as punishment for not feeling the same way as you do about his father?

Lots of parents are fuckwits. We as adults can see that, but it's not fair to withdraw affection from children who don't see it too. He'll see in time what you have done for him and I'm sure he appreciates it, but you must separate your relationship with him from his relationship with his father. Wanting to know his dad is not about you, and it is not a reflection of the love and appreciation he has for you. Please don't make him feel bad for loving his dad, no matter how much of a dick he is.

The bio dad is punishing his ex through his children, a very common tactic, because without your financial support, how would she manage financially as a sahp and no cm from him? She would be in poverty, unless she is an heiress. So you're getting punished for this, the kids are collateral damage. You have decided as a household your budget and what the bio dad spends is irrelevant.

OP, it’s actually a massive compliment. You’re such a good step dad to him, that he doesn’t expect the person who let him down before to do anything. He knows he can rely on you to do the Dad stuff.

It is a head fuck both for you and your stepson. It will be bitter sweet for him getting gifts from you but wondering why his own father doesn’t bother.

I get it OP. My DCs dad hasn’t bothered with them or paid a penny in 3.5 years. It’s all on me. I used to resent that he got away with it but I realised it wasn’t affecting him at all that I was angry, it was just affecting me. So I caught a grip of myself and let it go. I’m much happier now. Despite being permanently skint

Why would you suddenly start treating DS differently just because he is back in contact with his father? That would be a terrible thing to do to him. Read your post back and imagine you are reading somebody else saying it. What would your response be to them?

DSS has a right to know his father, even if his father is a total shit and you can't punish DSS for that.

Treat him as you always have done, otherwise you will push him away. He will remember who gave him stuff and who didn't. Be the bigger person. Why would you want to act like a total dick like his father and give him £10 yet lavish £250 on the others.

A £100K piece of machinery would generally be bought on HP over 6-7 years maybe even longer, so that is totally irrelevant to how much money the father may have.

I understand how you feel but the only person you would be hurting would be DSS, probably alienating him, and then possibly causing issues with the other DSC and your DP.

Right, maybe my post is making me look like a dick, but it has been an incredibly stressful weekend with 3 teenage step kids in the house and I'm just trying to rationalise some thoughts that are in my head, like I said at the start there is a massive back story to this and I have only given some basic details.

I know I'm not a dick because I know how much time, effort, money and energy I have put into those kids over the last 4 years and I can see how far each of them have come after the years of abuse their father put them through!!

I can see the general consensus, I now know that my SS will get the present he wants and he will be happy. It was never about depriving him, punishing him or deliberately hurting him It was about me having a vent and trying to get some constructive advice!

Thanks to those who posted the positive stuff, it's not easy raising someone else's children.....

Just to reassure you, when your SS is older he'll know exactly who supported him and took care of his family and who was an actual dad to him even if not his biological father. You sound like a lovely man :)

You didnt come across at all like a dick. You're annoyed And ranting on here is better than doing anything in real life which could upset the kids!

They wont ever have the same expectations of him, but that also means than when the shit hits the fan, they wont be looking to him to help guide them. They will look to you. Its worth it in the end.

I have the same feelings about my ex. NY youngest was 6 weeks old when he walked off and we didnt see him for 5 years. Everything was on me; I was all my kids had and I did it all. Then he came back and wanted to know them so slowly introduced back into their lives and it's thesame story you have. They expect proper parenting from me, they give me the christmas and birthday lists, they ask me for help with their homework and everything. All of it. When they spend time with him, they come home and they'll be over the moon because he took them to play in the park. With me, that's just an expected everyday thing. With him, they're so happy he did it. It gets to me, but I know that I'm the one they look to when they need support and guidance and love. With him, he's just a sort of novelty but there isnt anything deep there. Just keep reminding yourself that they expect more from you because they have a better bond with you and that's worth it.

I have much higher expectations of my (step) dad than I do my dad. As a teenager I tried to form a relationship with my dad, it failed and hurt and probably always will.

I also brought my (step) grandma to live with me for the last 6 months of her life, my children's grandad is my stepdad, they have an incredible relationship.

If your stepson is asking for too much, tell him it's over the budget. If you want to lower your input to match what an incompetent dad provides where do you see that leading you?

Separate the child from his dad in your head and then make your decisions.

@Honeybobbin

On a bad day, I could have written his post about my own children. It is so very hard to see your children give their love to a useless shitry parent, whilst almost taking for granted everything you do for them. If you stopped doing those things, your kids would notice and care but they dont even give it a second thought that their dad doesnt do those things.
It is hard. It isnt the children's fault, and I would never consider changing how I behave. I blame their dad entirely for being so shit, but it is hard to see them treat us so differently with such different expectations.

The other side of it is that I get all the good stuff too. He doesnt, and he wont ever. That can be hard to remember when you've yet again had a child maintenance payment not paid and your kids are saying how awesome the computer game at dads house was.

I think you are confusing two separate issues.
It sounds like you have been a very good parent to these three DSC. The bio dad is a loser and a wash out. He will never come up with anything for his son's present. So this is entirely separate from how you treat DSS. Do you want him to have a present or not.
If the bio dad was in Tasmania never to be seen again, how would that affect your feelings?
You say you feel like a mug. But your DSS is not treating you like a mug. He's treating you like a parent, trusting you, relying on you and yes, thinking that you want to give him a Christmas present. He's 17, partially a grown up but in reality, he's still just a kid who still has to make his way in the world and he's had a better life because you've been in it.
Yes he feels like he ought to make an effort to see his bio Dad, because its only natural to be curious and he'd be missing out if he didn't satisfy that curiosity, but in the knowledge that this is not the person he can trust and rely on to take care of him. You are. But not if you make an issue out of the Christmas present.
Dont let the bio dad use DSS as leverage.
Forget the bio dad. Who he is and how he behaves should not have a bearing on how you treat your DSS who has already suffered and may suffer again far more at bio dad's hands than you have.