I am so confused please help

SandyY2K · 12/12/2020 07:25

I'm really amazed that she could behave so happy and show no problems, but her mum says all this. I'm wondering if its jealousy that DSD does things with you that she doesn't with her mum.

It sounds like she wants you to think and be grateful to her...but I just don't think DSD is genuinely in the state of meltdown her mum says. I think it could be a case of her mum feeling insecure and inadequate...and worried that DSD enjoys her time with you.

The thing is you have EOW..and so that's easier to do fun stuff ...where her DM has the daily routine...homework and the day to day stuff.

I can imagine if DSD comes home saying she's had a good time, some mothers feel upset, that their child is able to cope without them...and get worried...it's hard to explain, but I really believe the issues are her mums but DSD's issues.

Your DP could call her bluff and suggest counselling for DSD or a joint trip/telephone consultation with the GP to get to the bottom of the alleged meltdowns. I bet you, she wouldn't agree to it.

PegLegTrev · 12/12/2020 07:35

The issue is not DSD but her mother. Clearly DSD is happy and settled with you. I would take what her mum says with a pinch of salt.

COS2102 · 12/12/2020 08:15

My stepson goes through phases of getting upset before a handover, saying he doesnt want to go to his mums...that he wants to stay home forever etc...we have had to build him up to going and by the time he gets to his mum he can often be totally fine and she would never know. If we say to him now to ring her and tell her that he doesnt want to go then he often says no because he doesnt want to hurt her feelings...he's 8 so it is possible. The only difference is that my step son spends a lot of his time at his mums asking to ring here and speak to his dad and he has told her on occasion how he feels, it isnt a total secret to her. So for us, hints do come out but it is possible to build them up to going to the other parent and for the other parent to be none the wiser that there had been a belt down about having to go

BingeOnChocolate · 12/12/2020 09:16

After continuous games, like you we went to court and obtained 50/50 court order. Mum was livid about it and DSD was apparently upset before coming or the morning of schools where we would be collecting her. It transpired Mum and Nan were telling her all the fun things they are going to be doing without her I.e taking her older half sibling out for tea or going to her favourite places. At 6 she naturally wants to do it to hence the tears because Nanny and Mummy would stand on the door saying 'you don't have to go if you're upset'. When in the car she would be sniffly but by the time left the road, she would be her happy laughing self with no reoccurrence during our time. It was like it never happened.

The order stopped this to a degree but Nan still done it as Mum had been the one warned by the judge so she thought she could get away with it. We wrote a letter to mum outlining it was still happening, not blaming her or accusing her of knowing as such (even though it was clear she was aware) but saying if it continues we will be enforcing the order as the order extends to Nan when DSD is in her care. Low and behold it stopped and not happened for the last 5 months. If it was a genuine concern of DSD is wouldn't have stopped the day after the letter landed.

Mummabear70 · 12/12/2020 11:06

@BingeOnChocolate

After continuous games, like you we went to court and obtained 50/50 court order. Mum was livid about it and DSD was apparently upset before coming or the morning of schools where we would be collecting her. It transpired Mum and Nan were telling her all the fun things they are going to be doing without her I.e taking her older half sibling out for tea or going to her favourite places. At 6 she naturally wants to do it to hence the tears because Nanny and Mummy would stand on the door saying 'you don't have to go if you're upset'. When in the car she would be sniffly but by the time left the road, she would be her happy laughing self with no reoccurrence during our time. It was like it never happened.

The order stopped this to a degree but Nan still done it as Mum had been the one warned by the judge so she thought she could get away with it. We wrote a letter to mum outlining it was still happening, not blaming her or accusing her of knowing as such (even though it was clear she was aware) but saying if it continues we will be enforcing the order as the order extends to Nan when DSD is in her care. Low and behold it stopped and not happened for the last 5 months. If it was a genuine concern of DSD is wouldn't have stopped the day after the letter landed.

Sounds very similar how did you find out that mum and nan was doing that on the other end? It might be the case but I don't know what they say to her and she knows not to repeat anything mummy says when she's here :/

BingeOnChocolate · 12/12/2020 13:28

@Mummabear70 She would eventually give out snippets of information. So telling me what mummy and nanny will be doing, asking if we would do the same and a few times I out right asked her. I remember saying to her she can tell me anything that's wrong or if she's being told/hearing anything that's upsetting her because it makes her sad or she wants to do it too. We also spoke to her head teacher who knew mum done something similar with older son so they assigned the learning lady. DSD also told her things followed by 'mum said I cannot tell dad etc' and learning lady encouraged her to talk to me if not dad because technically she's not breaking that rule from mum. Cafcass and Court documented it as the start of parental alienation. We also kept a diary and made sure there were two of us at all pickups at the house with a dash cam to show them gouding her followed by happy as Larry in the car.

Also, I have a great relationship with her. She spends 121 time with her dad but once a week we do a 'girly evening' so get hot chocolate or a tea threw drive thru now sitting in is not an option and I then take her/stay/collect her from gymnastics and dance. She tends to open up to me on these evenings and if she has something to say she'll go 'can we go get a tea from Costa' then tell me. She knows I tell her dad but by her logic (influenced by the teacher) she's not disobeyed mum by telling teacher/me who tell dad. I do think it's important for that 121 time for us both although MN normally slate step parents who do this..

MeridianB · 12/12/2020 14:20

I’d be inclined not to believe a word of what the ex is saying. If DSD is happy and communicative when with you both then that’s all you need to know.

The rest sounds made up to cause trouble.

So just keep supporting DSD and letting her know she can trust you and talk if she wants to. Don’t engage with her mother. Her dada should be dealing with any information about contact.

Wibble01 · 12/12/2020 20:55

@Newmum2020F

Hi everyone my DSD is 8 she's no trouble very well behaved follows the routine I have set her very well (she didn't have much of a routine when we lived in shared houses) so this is new but she has taken to it so well.

We now have a house of our own and DSD shares my sons bedroom so she is in a lovely little routine when she comes we do lots of cooking games activities lots of laughs and silly things to make laugh we all have jokes and watch telly and eat snacks days out it's so good!

In the whole 6 years I've been in her life she has never been any trouble at all and I really mean that. And we have had some great experiences together.

So can someone shed some light DSD mum has said to us that she has melt downs mental break downs refuses to come and see us gets upset at the thought of being with us for the weekend and she has to prepare her to come I'm not too sure why because she shows no signs of being uncomfortable or upset or missing her mum when she is with us?

For reasons I could not tell you DSD mum has stopped and started contact since my DP and DSDs mum have split up so we saved every penny and took it to court we were granted contact immediately and DSD mother has to do a parenting course to learn 'how to back down' what does that even mean?

We have her every other weekend and half the holidays but as we have moved near her home we are going back to court to have her more in the week as well we can get her to school on time now.

But I'm worried is DSD living a double life her mum makes it sound like DSD gets so mentally ill with the thought of coming to us but we see no evidence of this what's so ever.

DSD has never been encouraged or given phones to contact us when she is at home we had to have it put in the contact order we always provided phones and credit but they always got lost and broken so DSD never phoned or text.

When we got the contact we understood how important it was that DSD has the freedom to call her mum whenever she wanted so we brought her a phone with credit and told her she can go off and call her mum anytime but she doesn't want to?

We also get told she's lazy and doesn't want to do anything apart from be on her phone but to be honest when she's with us she hardly uses it we're always cooking or doing activities (my DP is a chef so we cook a lot haha)

Anyway due to the circumstances and what we have been told by social services I feel I cannot approach DSDs mother about the differences we have because I don't want to make her angry we haven't told DSDs mother that she's good as gold and does what's she's told here it will cause a huge problem and will effect DSD because i think her mum will see it as needing to compete with us but I want her to understand she does not need to DSD adores her mother so she should!! And her brothers talks about them all the time and it's encouraged we take DSD to buy Xmas pressies for all her family help her wrap them nicely we do this every year and Mother's Day and DSD mums birthday so I can't see it as DSD being worried about talking to her mum when she's with us?

Do we make her feel this way and she's just pretending to be happy are 8 year olds capable of this?

Please help I love her so much and just want her to be ok and it sounds like the only thing that affects her is the thought of coming to see us and her new little brother who she loves so much but again we have been told she has to get use to him first apparently but the love is very natural they are brother and sister? Thanks in advance.

P.s I have posted on here before about a bedroom situation and just to say I was being over dramatic about DSD having half my sons room I've realised how important it is too give them their own space and it helps with routine and well-being I've seen a few posts of step mothers with the same problem and I stick to the fact it's not nice missing out on a lot of firsts when you have a child with someone who has a child already but the thing that makes it up is feeling like a little family when she's here and when she goes we aren't as complete x

My ex wife is like this. Says the kids don't want to come etc. She also says to them I'm not interested in seeing them (although I do regularly). My eldest lived with me for 4 months this Summer and refused to go homr as the house of cardd that were the lies tumbled down on her. Keep doing the same thing. Good luck as it's bloody hard work!