Boundary Advice

[Stepmomma]

DP and I have always been on the same page regarding boundaries with his ex. We both feel that she doesn’t need to know about anything that doesn’t concern DC.

However, ex has been really pushing the boundaries and being really passive aggressive of late. DP won’t maintain those boundaries or pull her up on her behaviour for fear of upsetting her resulting in her withholding DC. DP gets really defensive when I mention it saying it doesn’t bother him and it’s my issue so I can talk to ex if it bothers me.

It makes me feel like DP would rather upset me by not maintaining those boundaries than upset ex by maintaining them. I feel like I have to pre-empt every scenario as DP says she catches him off guard and doesn’t know how to react other than to almost pander to her.

I feel really frustrated by it all. I really encourage them to communicate regarding DC but they’re reluctant to do that for fear of having different opinions.

I know everyone thinks it should be about DC and I agree, but surely I get to be happy to?

It feels like such a mess...any advice would be appreciated!

What boundaries have you set and what is she doing exactly ? X

We’ve always agreed that she doesn’t need to come in our home but DC has started getting upset at handover. Last time it resulted in ex getting upset because DC was and ex sitting in our porch saying how much she would miss DC. If I thought ex coming in with DC would help then I’d have to suck it up but I don’t think it will, especially when I’ve looked at other peoples experiences with this. I’ve asked DP to be proactive and discuss what to do if DC gets upset again so that everyone is on the same page but he’s reluctant to.

She just really pries. Asking about our finances, how we afford things, about my family, contacts DP’s family to ask about our relationship. Then there’s the passive aggression, ex will draw pictures of herself with my DP, playing “mummies and daddies” with DC making them kiss and saying how they love each other, making negative comments about DP in front of DC...she also always comments on my appearance which I just find a bit inappropriate. This is all when DC FaceTimes.

It sounds really petty written down but it’s really starting to get under my skin as it’s just all the time. She’s a very up and down person so you never know what you’re going to get which doesn’t help.

I just feel like she doesn’t really need to know anything that doesn’t affect DC...DP and ex relationship wasn’t a long one and ex was quite violent at times. They split before DC was born so it’s not like there is tonnes of history between them..?

I’m venting now but I I think it’s more DPs reaction to it than the behaviour itself?

It's not petty. That's deeply manipulative behaviour.
I would hazard that the DC are getting upset at handover because she is priming them. Unless it's affecting the children she doesn't need to know anything about your lives.
Do you have kids of your own?
In your shoes I think you need to be firmer with your DP and make it clear that your feelings are of greater importance than placating the ex. She will just keep shifting the boundaries if he gives way.
If you and he don't have kids of your own, maybe this should give you pause for thought. It won't get easier for you if his ex is calling the shots.

I’m currently pregnant with a LO of our own and I’m really worried that it will get a lot worse once LO arrives. Ex has already being comparing pregnancies and even offered us all her old baby things. DP couldn’t understand why I didn’t want anything from her but why would I want the pram DP and ex bought together.

I’ve tried talking to him a lot. DP now says he doesn’t want to hear it anymore and gets very defensive, thinks it’s down to my insecurities rather than wanting some privacy. If it had been like this from the start then fine, but it all changed once “access” was sorted with solicitors as he’s worried she can just ignore what was agreed. I feel like I’m having to run through possible scenarios with DP so he knows what I am/not happy with as he just can’t seem to grasp it!

I don’t know if she’s purposely priming DC but DC often comments on how “mummy misses me” and that ex is all on her own

Sounds pretty awful OP - and like she is very manipulative.
I don’t have great advice - am stuck with a similarly manipulative and boundary pushing ex - also itching to get into the house, also offering stuff to my DC (which I don’t want), also ‘priming’ issues with her DC and a DP worried about rocking the boat with her cos she’ll kick off and it will upset their DC.
So you have my full sympathy and I can understand why you’re not happy with the situation. It sounds like your DP really needs to step up and make the boundaries really clear before your LO arrives so you can minimise the noise around all of this and focus on your new arrival. You don’t need all of this while you’re focusing on enjoying time with your baby.

It’s nice to know that there is somebody in a similar situation...it just feels like she taints all aspects of my life. She even seems to know when we’re out as she always calls when we’re doing something!
It just makes me feel really unsupported and not listened too when DP won’t do anything about it, he just gets sulky...he even slept in the spare room over it the other night. Such a sensitive subject. I think DP feels stuck in the middle but I feel like he should side with me really...

@stepmomma You are not being petty and I can very much relate. I was and am dealing with something very similar. The only difference is my partner is finally understanding my point of view now. Believe me it took a lot of arguments and upset.
I had a little one last year and boundary issues weren't as big of a deal to me until I was pregnant and had my little one.

I also did not want any of things they had bought together. That's completely understandable but sometimes I think the parent can see it as something negative on their child rather than what it really is, an issue with having something that he and his ex shared.
It's really not easy but you need to sit down and try and get your partner to understand your feelings. They are valid and it will only get harder when your little one arrives as you will be dealing with hormones and tiredness etc. He cannot brush it aside.

I can relate to how you are feeling. It can feel very controlling when someone is dictating things but I agree with you on the home thing. That is your space, your environment and she already has enough involvement in your life so he needs to respect that you need to have your space and home respected.
I would just love to give you a big hug. Being pregnant is amazing but also so emotional and bloody hard. Say what you need. You sound like you are very considerate but your needs are important too. Yes children come first I do agree with that but that does not mean that your thoughts and feelings are not valid and that you should not be considered.
She only needs to know what affects her child other than that your life is off limits.
Sorry this is very long but I feel like I was you last year so I really do feel for you. The only way it got better for me was by standing my ground but also not fighting. Having open conversations and really explaining how it is affecting you. It is still difficult at times don't get me wrong but the difference now is that I am being heard and understood. You deserve that.
Congratulations by the way. Wishing you all the best.

Ex has already being comparing pregnancies and even offered us all her old baby things.

Ugh. No way.
“I’m ok thanks. I want to buy all brand new for my baby. But if it helps I can give you a list of local charity shops?”

DP couldn’t understand why I didn’t want anything from her but why would I want the pram DP and ex bought together

Is he for real? You want one of your own for your own baby. Why would you want one that his ex used and enjoyed for the baby she had with him? Most likely she had the most influence in the choice of pram/clothes/cot etc...
Those baby items are part of his past and that’s where they should remain.

I happily accepted hand me downs from friends and family for my children and still would now if any were kindly offered to me if appropriate. And I used one of my prams for two of my children. I also shop in charity shops often and pick up nice little things for my children. So I’m not the type of person to pull my face at second hand stuff. But there is absolutely no way I would have accepted any hand me downs from my ex’s ex wife. Especially if it’s done in a way to ram her child down my throat in a “My child came first and that’s what he/she used. Now you must use it.” sort of way.

She also probably doesn’t want you to spend money on your baby. And he’s probably thinking what a good way to save money. Annoying!

Thank you so much for your message. I was really nervous posting thinking I would just be called petty and selfish!

It is definitely that he lumps DC in with ex so he then gets upset thinking I have an issue with DC but that’s not the case at all. I love having DC with us and I make sure DC has everything here so that no bags need to be packed, etc. It just makes me feel really unappreciated when I do so much for DC but DP doesn’t reciprocate with boundaries.

I’m so glad you managed to get tour DP to see things from your point of view. I’m hoping we can do the same and work through this because it’s really wearing us both down...I dread hearing from DC in case ex chimes up.

Thank you again

That’s exactly what I wanted to say...DP family didn’t get what the problem was either which didn’t help. It’s not like I have a good relationship with ex, I’m civil because I have to be. Maybe he viewed it as his and DC’a things as opposed to his and ex’s...either way, I don’t want it.

I’m fine with things from friends, my sister, etc. but not people trying to feel involved in my pregnancy when they’re horrible to me a lot of the time.

That’s exactly what I wanted to say...DP family didn’t get what the problem was either which didn’t help. It’s not like I have a good relationship with ex, I’m civil because I have to be. Maybe he viewed it as his and DC’a things as opposed to his and ex’s...either way, I don’t want it.

In laws always have to poke their noses in with their opinions regarding the stepchildren don’t they? My ex’s family used to do this too.
Maybe he did. But it’s tough. I think your feelings on the matter trump his and he should respect your feelings. It’s not the same as a mum and dad having their second together child... this is your first, and you should be able to enjoy it the same way as any other first time mum. And yes that does involve picking out your own pram!

I’m fine with things from friends, my sister, etc. but not people trying to feel involved in my pregnancy when they’re horrible to me a lot of the time.
I don’t blame you! Anything from her would just be tinged if you get what I mean. You wouldn’t accept something from anyone else you’re not very keen on, so why accept it from your dp’s ex? She falls in to the same category. Like I said above, I’ve accepted lots of lovely things in the past from friends and family, but if my ex’s ex wife tried giving me her stuff I would have said a firm no.

@Stepmomma ‘I’m fine with things from friends, my sister, etc. but not people trying to feel involved in my pregnancy when they’re horrible to me a lot of the time.’
Totally get where you’re coming from here. Like @funinthesun19 I’ve no problem with accepting things from people who genuinely wish me well, but ex offering me things feels like further attempted control and her sticking her tentacles further into our life.
If she wants to be nice, she could start with stopping being undermining and treat me and my relationship with DP with at least some respect. It’s kind of weird agression - like I can be horrible when I want and then you have to accept my kindness and generosity when it’s offered. Yuck.

I’m so glad other people can sympathise, I was beginning to feel like it was me being weird over it!

Annoyingly, DP just sat there while I made an excuse as to why we didn’t need it. I just wish he would stand up to her and stop being so scared...he never used to be while we were dealing with solicitors, etc so why now?!

Regarding the hand me downs...say thanks, but you'd prefer to chose your own.

Who is she talking to when comparing the pregnancies?

Regarding her prying about you with his family, that's none of her business so they shouldn't even bother responding to her and letting the message get to you.

Unfortunately you can't control how his family entertain her nosiness, but you can tell him or them you'd rather not hear about it if it's all the same, as you don't feel it's her concern.

Who is she commenting to about your appearance?

I honestly think this is all because she must have a boring life, so she had to knee what's going on in your lives.

If he won't pull her up...and IME men can find it easier to ignore this kind of stuff, then you need to find a way to ignore it, or not let it impact you. He may well be caught off guard by her and isn't quick thinking to respond.

She says everything about pregnancy and appearance to me.

We’ve asked people not to discuss us but we can’t control what they say. It’s ex that tells us what she has been told by others, asks questions about things she should know about. Things like that.

DP can rise above it (I think for the wrong reasons though) but I just find it so inappropriate and irritating. I don’t know if it’s jelousy or boredom or what but it shouldn’t be my problem

*shouldnt know about

You are not being petty. She sounds way too intrusive and manipulative and your DP is not supporting you as he should.

Sit him down and explain again so it’s crystal clear it’s not about the children. Stand up for yourself and tell him you like him to stand up for himself and you, too.

You deserve better.

And stop having any contact with ex - you don’t ever need to see or speak to her - not at handover, not on FaceTime. Just be busy doing something else.

I just want to be honest I don’t think it will get easier when your own baby comes along.

We had similar experiences with his ex, however my oh didn’t pander to her. The minute he would threaten her with court she would stop! When I first met my oh his ex would have strops when oh went to get his son and say things in front of his son like she’s not your mum and will never be! She also brought my son into it saying they would never be brothers all this whilst crying and shouting... no wonder my ss won’t stay over night to this day!!!!!! That was 4 years ago!! It has an impact and I think most parents forget this or don’t give a shit. Now she wished he would stay???😂

I just think that you need to talk to your oh, you guys need to remain a team and don’t let her come in between you both! Its difficult being with someone who had a past and it’s never how you imagined it would be. I would love to tell his ex how I really feel but what would I achieve from this... nothing! I stay in my lane and my oh and I are on the same page. Good luck with this x