Christmas Presents

[cosmicbabe]

Hello. Me and my partner are moving in together next year but for this Xmas day he is coming to mine with his daughter. Would you buy presents for both children and put from us both and split the cost of just buy for your own child and then buy something from yourself for your step child (we're not officially step parents as not married)...

There's a balance of expense here too as my partner can't afford to spend what I spend so his daughter will get less so would you just make that up so it's equal yourself ??

Thanks for any advice x

Hi OP. Depends on so much - age of the child, how well you know them and mostly. how long you have been with your DP....and of course what your DP thinks.

I would agree an amount for each of you to spend on each child (say £50 for each child from each of you), then if you want to spend more on your own child do so, but give them the rest of the presents on boxing day, or before they arrive/after they leave on Xmas day

I think it depends on the child and their ages. I know that DSDs would rather have something that they actually wanted, even if it was cheaper than something more expensive to make everything cost exactly the same.

When children have different parents there will be different amount of money available to them. It's a fact of blended families. Do you think DP's ex will be considering your child when she's choosing presents for hers?

That's a difficult one!

It would be awful for your stepdaughter to see that she had less presents than your child... but equally, your child shouldn't miss out on presents she would ordinarily receive because of your relationship.

Could you do presents separately until you're a fully blended family (when presumably you'll spend equal amounts on both).

Or, if you don't intend to fully blend families, could you do presents separately every year to avoid being unfair to either child?

What do you mean by fully blended? Married and living together?

How old are the children?

It depends on lots of things.

Are they going to be at yours on Christmas Eve, so waking up on Christmas morning and everyone doing all presents together? Or are they coming round at some point in the morning? The latter is much easier for disparate present receiving.

Their age matters too. Are they young enough that they think things are from Santa? Or are we talking teenagers?

It also depends how things have been done in the past. Do you do everything (pretty much) from Santa? Or do you do stockings from Santa and other things from parents? It makes a big difference, because children can more easily accept that someone else’s mum got them something fancier than they got, but it is harder to accept if they think Santa just gave them less.

The disparity also matters too. If your DD is getting a mountain of presents as tall as the tree, and your boyfriend’s child is getting an apple and orange and a pair of socks, they’re going to really notice a difference. If it’s just that your child is getting more expensive stuff that produces a small looking pile despite costing a bloody fortune (video games are a good example, or expensive clothes, make up etc for teenagers), while the partner’s child has a similar sized pile of cheaper things, it’s going to be less of an issue. It could be that your teenager is getting some clothes, shoes and a video game, but your partner’s 4 year old will think they got loads more because they’ve got a pile of big presents (which didn’t cost that much).

So many variables will affect how it plays out.

@cosmicbabe

By fully blended I mean living together and treating both children as 'children of the family' rather than 'your daughter' and 'his daughter' (so treating them both the same with regards to household rules, presents, holidays... basically treating them as if they were biological siblings in many ways).

Obviously not all step families blend to this extent, which is why I suggested that presents might always be done separately

I’d get them a token gift. It’s definitely not your job to match what their parents spend (you’d be setting a dangerous precedent imo) nor is it your job to compensate so they have as much as you own DC. They will get presents at their other parents too.

Personally I think if they are children under around 12 it would be better to give the same ish on Christmas Day and if you have extra items for your dd given after they have left (how about on 6th January like in Spain even?). Once living together ie next year it does depend a little if they get presents from their other parent too, grandparents, etc. But for this year fudge it.

Thanks.

They are 7 and 10... This is the first Xmas they have spent together Opening presents. Last year we didn't have them the same day so didn't see what each other received. My son will also have Santa gifts but my partners child will be opening her Santa gifts at her resident home with her mum...

Personally? I’d do separate presents.
My ex bought my children something. And he didn’t ever spend the amount I spent on my DC. Why would he? There was no expectation that he would. Equally I would buy his DC a present that was a nice gift but nowhere near what he would buy his children.

I think moving forward a lot depends on (as others have said), how blended you intend on being? Personally I wouldn’t compromise one iota on what I was spending on my children simply because my partner couldn’t afford the same for his. It’s not my problem - the children’s parents are there to provide for them. I have no PR.

Other families decide to blend fully, including finances and make decisions centrally. I think it’s a very personal choice.

We still have this conversation and my oh and I live together it hurts my head lol! I would do it on money he on the other hand would do it on the number if presents!! Fml

I also want to add I’ll be following this lol... genuinely this has got harder for us as the kids get older. My ss is a year older than my own and this alone has caused tension for presents as one is getting a phone and the other is not!! It’s a bloody nightmare!