Left waiting down the street

[beingsunny]

So my DP has an almost 6 yo daughter. We have been together five years, no I was not the OW, they separated during the pregnancy.

I supported him though a lengthy 4 year court battle where she accused him of domestic violence and refused all contact with their daughter from birth. This woman behaved unspeakably throughout and I want to have no contact with her.

He collects their daughter every other Saturday, they live 45mins away.

I haven't seen her since February because he said my only option is to meet and make pleasantries with her or be dropped at the street corner and wait for him to collect me after the handover.

He refuses to ask her that he collect their daughter at the front door and insists he won't ask her to not insist on putting her in the car.

Am I being unreasonable in not being happy about this?

OP, you said in one of your responses that you were rethinking the whole relationship. Perhaps, he too is rethinking this relationship.
Neither of you seem to know how to compromise with any real ease.

A break from all of the tension may be a good thing for both of you. Let him have time to sort his arrangements regarding the child, and at the same time you can experience your life without any tension related to the ex.

If you cannot manage a brief 2 or 3 minute" hello , how are you?" with the ex, that does not bode well for the many years of joint school ,social, and extra curricular parent activities that you will be facing. What ever the ex did, your partner seems to have made his peace with it.

Aside from anything else he sounds like a total drama queen that you don't need in your life.

Absolutely space is a good thing at the moment, however he has taken our car and I'm now paying taxis to take my son to activities etc.

He has also not paid rent or the payment for our car finance both due last Thursday.

And it's easy to say just get on with it but I wasn't ready after so many years of toxic behaviour, some of that directed at me and my son.

Anyway, I think it's all irrelevant now.

I did wonder from your OP whether you were aware of all aspects of this man. I'm sorry.

Op, I am so sorry but I think getting out of this relationship is for the best.

Are you aware of the Karpman triangle. Him the victim, you the rescuer and her the persecutor. Unfortunately the roles always switch and the rescuer often becomes the persecutor. Is he still portraying himself as the victim?

Yeah...I wouldn't have her dictating supervised sessions to see the interaction with you and your DS.

It all sounds like a relationship with too much drama and an Ex trying to assert her place in your life.

I hesitate to ask, but do you know that many abusive men accuse their ex of abuse, especially when describing her to a new partner?

You shouldn't be going, he should be spending the time alone with her Why can't you let them develop a relationship just the two of them? Why do you have to be there when they are just getting to know each other properly after all this time?
Personally, I think he should be going alone to pick her up and concentrating on just her, alone.

@beingsunny

Well that escalated fast!! He went away for 2 nights on Tuesday after another argument, took our only car and has blocked my phone and not come back

I'm sorry OP. I didn't read your latest post when I sent mine x

@Techway yes he sees himself very much as the victim and me the perpetrator

@ClaireP20 you obviously didn’t read OP’s previous posts either where she makes it clear she’d have been happy not to go, it was her DP pushing for all this. But yeah let’s blame the step mum anyway for not “letting” them develop a relationship just the two of them

And yes, @Augustbreeze I have heard that can happen. I think things have gone to far now to salvage. I'm very sad as we had such a great relationship, I even wonder if he's having some kind of breakdown.

I still haven't heard from him, I think he was waiting for me to contact him and have a meltdown, prove that I'm a psycho. So I haven't, I'm just keeping busy and seeing friends and doing things with my son.

@beingsunny I’m so sorry you’re going through this but he’s really showing his true colours and that it’s all about him and his needs. He’s horrible and you’re better off without him.

You can always contact the police to do a welfare check on him, citing the unpaid rent and car payment. Are either in your name? You don’t want a bad credit rating, especially if you’re about to dump him. Honestly, he sounds like an emotional coward - wanting you to Mummy up and sort out his emotional life. Now he’s gone around to his sister’s place and they’re probably both saying what you “should have done”..... Not your job.

Yes, the car is registered in his name but the finance is joint, and $500 each a month so really expensive for a car I can't use. The advice I've had is basically it's a civil matter and you have to keep paying until he agrees to sell.

Neither of us can afford to take it on alone.

But he needs the car more than I do to collect his daughter for contact, I think he's going to be really difficult.

Do you have the equivalent of small claims court? Request in writing that he sells the car or makes all payments to keep it, then at least you will have an audit trail.

I suspect the good in the relationship was when you kept meeting his needs, once you asserted yourself his true colors showed. You won't be the first woman to be tricked by this.

Let him go op. Stop paying the finance. He can pay or lose the car. His drama. Not yours.

He's been accused of abuse before, he was angry when you wouldn't do contact on his terms, and he has now stormed off with the car.

I think we both know who was abusive in his previous relationship now... (or maybe both of them, tbh...) Might be time to sell that car.

Agreed, he still hasn't been in contact.
I saw some red flags when he talked about her in the early years of our relationship, I sadly thought it would be different as I'm much stronger and independent.
He has just gone awol and is burning bridges and seems to be in self destruct mode of the whole life we've had together.

Report the car as stolen, perhaps?

@justilou1
The OP says that the car is titled in his name. He cannot steal that which he owns. Her credit cannot be ruined by his failure to pay his legal debt for which she has no legal obligation. If they purchased property as joint owners , the OP may be legally indented for the mortgage or a jointly signed lease. Beyond that, there should be no legal/financial entanglement.

It was childish for him to disappear/leave without letting the OP know his intentions. If there was a major blow up, words may have been exchanged in anger that suggested that the relationship was over, and he proceeded to accept and act as though the relationship has ended.

The OP stated that she was rethinking the relationship. Perhaps he too had been in a rethink mode and he reached a final decision. In any case, his method of departure is childish and immature.

The OP does not seem to be losing much except a shared contribution to household expenses. She can perhaps find less expensive lodgings and a cheaper vehicle and move on with a tension free life.

The OP states that she is strong and independent. This is a storm that she can weather and come out better on the other side.

In her place, I would be packing any belongings that he may left behind and leaving them at the door. If the lease is in his name, I would be looking for an affordable place of my own.

Life does not stop simply because one person chooses to behave like a petulant child. He has taken his marbles to a new playground, the OP can find a new and better suited playmate.

@Tiredoftattler - the op stated that the finance for the car is in BOTH their names. It is registered in his name, but they are both legally financially liable for the loan and he hasn’t paid. I believe that she is legally a co-owner of the vehicle if her name is on the loan documentation.
Agree completely about packing his stuff and telling him he has two hours to come and get it. I would then hold it hostage for the keys, tbh.

Yes unfortunately the finance is joint, otherwise I would walk away and let him take it. I'm seeking legal advice today. This is the only real shared financial asset.

He is named on the lease but I lived here for several years before he moved in and can afford to pay for it on my own.

There's also my son who adores him and is starting to ask questions about where he is and can we call him. And why do we have to borrow daddies car?