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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Left waiting down the street

49 replies

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 08:46

So my DP has an almost 6 yo daughter. We have been together five years, no I was not the OW, they separated during the pregnancy.

I supported him though a lengthy 4 year court battle where she accused him of domestic violence and refused all contact with their daughter from birth. This woman behaved unspeakably throughout and I want to have no contact with her.

He collects their daughter every other Saturday, they live 45mins away.

I haven't seen her since February because he said my only option is to meet and make pleasantries with her or be dropped at the street corner and wait for him to collect me after the handover.

He refuses to ask her that he collect their daughter at the front door and insists he won't ask her to not insist on putting her in the car.

Am I being unreasonable in not being happy about this?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 07/12/2020 08:52

I do know through my own experiences as a step parent how difficult it is to grit your teeth and be polite and civil but for the sake of my DSD and to be the bigger person I’ve always tried to do that.
Is it a control thing that she wants to put her DD in the car? It seems petty on her behalf but I’d let her have that bit of pettiness and just say hello knowing you’re the bigger person and that it’s nicer for your DSD that way.

Ragwort · 07/12/2020 08:55

Why do you need to go with your DH? Can't he pick his DD up on his own?

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 09:34

I'm not sure if it's control, it's more that he won't even suggest that he can collect her at the front door.

At the moment, he is only spending time with her in the area she lives as his sister and niece are nearby, if she came to our home I wouldn't need to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 09:36

Also, I don't really know his daughter, they only really began proper full days together in December last year, the because of Covid and her asthma, they had no visitation from end of feb through to December.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 07/12/2020 09:36

Why isn’t he taking his DD to his house?
Is this court ordered?

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 09:36

Sorry meant to say to september

OP posts:

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 09:37

She signed the orders a week before the final hearing as so yes it's court ordered and he is technically able to have her Friday to Monday but she isn't ready for sleepovers yet

OP posts:

HallieKnight · 07/12/2020 09:46

You need to step right back, it's not about you. There's obviously more to the story than you're willing to admit but your DP is putting his child first now and stands a decent chance of becoming a good parent and forming a lasting relationship with his daughter. Don't be the person who ruins that.

FestiveFannyGallops · 07/12/2020 09:55

It sounds like this girl barely knows her dad and needs to spend one on one time getting to know him. I can't see any reason from your OP that means you have to accompany him. He sees her twice a month. Let it be their time.
I suspect that there is a lot more to this though.

HeddaGarbled · 07/12/2020 10:00

I don’t think you need to go with him at all. Have a bit of time to yourself at home.

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 10:02

Ok thank you for your replies, I have taken a step back. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally supporting him through this and this has become an issue over the weekend when I didn't go with him for his day with her. He is angry that I'm not making more effort and believes I should just accept his ex and play nicely.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex husband and his fiancé, I have a feeling he expects it to be the same. The difference is my ex isn't abusive and controlling.

To be honest I don't want to have someone so toxic in my life. She refused to further contact, ie extend or allow contact in our home unless I attended supervised sessions with my DS. This mean taking him away from his father for 3 weekends. And having notes taken on me and my sons interactions.

OP posts:

Notcrackersyet · 07/12/2020 11:44

Why is the child’s mother dictating whether and how court ordered access happens?
Who isn't ready for sleepovers yet? The child or her mother?
I understand your frustration. Based on the little I can know from a post or two it sounds like your DP is facilitating the situation by tiptoeing around his ex.
In your shoes i wouldn’t be hiding around the corner either. I did my share of that before my DSD’s ex knew about me as she was mentally unstable and so we were trying to keep a very low profile for as long as possible to reduce stress on her.
Now I continue to avoid her as much as possible in order to, like you, avoid the toxicity. But I won’t be hidden now!

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 11:56

I'm not sure if I've read it wrong but if your partner is guilt tripping you about not coming along to his contact time, and then leaving you on the street then yes I agree with you that isn't on.

It sounds like you are making things difficult by refusing to be around her - could you not just stay in the car but say nothing?

But regardless of that, he should not be guilt tripping you about "making am effort", and that is the biggest problem here.

JamieLeeCurtains · 07/12/2020 12:05

She refused to further contact, ie extend or allow contact in our home unless I attended supervised sessions with my DS. This mean taking him away from his father for 3 weekends. And having notes taken on me and my sons interactions.

Eh? Who is enforcing this, and how and why??

HallieKnight · 07/12/2020 12:08

So you don't want to be civil because she outed your partner as being abusive? Eh?

Smallsteps88 · 07/12/2020 12:17

So your option is to sit in the car and be civil for 30 seconds or stand down the street. And you have chosen to stand down the street? Like a grown up.

RedMarauder · 07/12/2020 13:23

OP what country are you in?

Palavah · 07/12/2020 13:34

If your partner is able to be civil with his ex when he collects their child, why can't you manage it?

I agree, however, with PP who suggested that your partner's child needs some one-on-one time with him. Let them rebuild a relationship before you need to be present as well.

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 20:03

Sorry I'm in Australia,

Yes the issue is him tiptoeing around his ex, and expecting me to do something I don't want which is making nice talk with her.

I'm quite happy not to go, Saturday is my day of as my son is at his dads so I enjoy the peace and quiet and see friends.

It's only now an issue because he's making it one, there's no reason he can't bring her over to where we live but is choosing not to so he can hang out with his sister.

His DD is the one not ready for sleepovers, we tried earlier in the year but it was too soon and he ended up taking her home each night.

He is planning to try them again in the new year but I've pointed out to him that since she doesn't visit, this will be a strange place to her, and that he should be spending time at home with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 20:08

The contact thing was a couple of years ago, they only had interim orders, and the family court is so full here if he didn't agree it would be six months before he could get in front of a judge again so I was forced into complying with her demands or he would have been stuck in a contact centre for two hours a fortnight until the next interim hearing.

I'm so tired of being a part of this I'm starting to rethink the whole relationship.

OP posts:

Flowerpot345 · 07/12/2020 20:15

Sounds bonkers, I would leave to be honest, I take it you have no real ties? No kids no marriage?

Original poster

beingsunny · 07/12/2020 20:26

No, no kids together, not married.

He has been a great person in my sons life though, they have a really good relationship which would be hard to leave.

He does spend three nights a week at his dads, but all our family are in the uk so no cousins, grandparents etc.

OP posts:

sassbott · 11/12/2020 08:32

Christ OP. The woman has made hideous allegations against him. He has a court order allowing overnights. And he is pandering to her demands about where contact takes place / handovers. When he has a court order on his side?

Get out. Theirs is a dysfunctional relationship that he cannot boundary. You should not have to wait anywhere. He should understand why you feel the way you feel about her - she’s dangerous and you do not need to play nice with her but be kept away from her, because women like this are horrific.

I’m more concerned that he’s bullying you into ensuring you take part in every contact. Sorry OP, but he doesn’t sound like a very nice man. As someone with experience of a high conflict exw and a partner who was enmeshed in that dysfunction, get out and leave em to it.

Stepmomma · 11/12/2020 09:40

I was in the same situation with my DP.
I would be dropped off somewhere nearby while he collected DC. If ex wife did ever drop DC off at our house then I was expected to be out of sight...she didn’t find out about me until we’d been together a long time for fear of upsetting her (she’s quite volatile). I really wish I’d spoken up sooner as I realise now that it made me feel like some dirty little secret or something. There are a lot of boundary issues here though!

Original poster

beingsunny · 11/12/2020 09:58

Well that escalated fast!!
He went away for 2 nights on Tuesday after another argument, took our only car and has blocked my phone and not come back

OP posts:

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