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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SC's mother...

18 replies

yellowpinkk · 01/12/2020 22:41

Me and partner are buying a home together, ive only "met" my sc's mother once it was a brief hi when i was picking him up (he's 13)

From day 1 ive said its weird that i havent properly met her, bf said shes just not like that.

So apart from that brief meeting, she also moaned about me for dropping her son off without knowing for sure she was in, firstly i didnt have her number, second i said roughly when id be dropping him back and third how rude considering id had him all day as she was at work.

BUT anyway, as were serious and things are moving forward, i want to acknowledge her a bit by sending a xmas card. Is this a good/bad idea? Do i sign it off just me bf and my ds, or just me and ds?

Or leave it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 22:45

she also moaned about me for dropping her son off without knowing for sure she was in, firstly i didnt have her number, second i said roughly when id be dropping him back and third how rude considering id had him all day as she was at work.

You should have had her number if you were going to be responsible for arranging drop offs for her child. Giving a “rough” time is no good. You need to give a time and check she’s home before driving off! You had him all day because she was at work? He’s 13? He doesn’t need to be babysat. Who asked you to have him for the day?

Fwiw I think you’re trying to force a relationship that doesn’t need to exist. You don’t need to be on Christmas card terms with her.

Original poster

yellowpinkk · 01/12/2020 22:49

@Smallsteps88 i agree about the number it was so stupid, and i wont be doing that again. Also i didnt leave btw i waited until i saw she was there.

Not my decision if hes too old or not to be babysat

OP posts:

SD1978 · 01/12/2020 22:50

I don't think you need to meet- she doesn't want to- that's it. Also wouldn't be happy with a 'rough' time- did her son not have a phone/ contact number? Meeting isn't obligatory- especially as the child is older- there aren't going to be as many safety concerns.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2020 22:55

I’m married to DH, we have a toddler together, we’ve been together more than half his older kids lives and I’ve never met their mum, had her number or sent her a card. The kids are equally DH’s, my relationship with them is through him. She’s nothing to me but a mild irritation these days when she rarely crosses my mind.

You don’t mention what your partner thinks of your ideas. He knows her well enough to have an idea of what she’d be comfortable with. Don’t do her any favours if she’s not willing to acknowledge you. You don’t have to have anything to do with her. Much easier not to.

So no, I wouldn’t send her a card if she shows no sign of wanting a friendship with you. You’re nothing to her either. You risk looking pushy.

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 23:01

Also i didnt leave btw i waited until i saw she was there.

So what was her issue? Just the non committal “rough” time frame? Who asked you to baby sit? Presumably your partner as you’ve had no contact with his ex. In which case you were doing him the favour, not her.

joybrightnice · 01/12/2020 23:02

Don't send her a card. At 13 I would of expected the child to of contacted his mother to say you were on your way. Does a 13 year old need looking after during the day?

joybrightnice · 01/12/2020 23:03

Also wouldn't a 13 year have a key to let himself in if no one was in?

Mintjulia · 01/12/2020 23:03

Why don't you just leave her alone? She's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship. There is no reason for you to send a card, it feels pushy, like you are inflicting your views on her.

And presumably your dp was supposed to organise care for HIS son on HIS day. That's HIS responsibility, not a reason for her to be grateful.

COS2102 · 02/12/2020 04:26

My step son is 8 and I have looked after him on his mother's time due to her not being able to and when I dropped him off I let him run up from the car and waited for him to be with her. I dont have her number. I find what you did very normal. Not a chance would I be sending her a christmas card in your situation or mine. The situation does not account for it. Just leave that bit be. We once got her a present for a big birthday but not from us, from her son because nobody in her family ever arranges for him to get her anything. That isnt a regular occurrence though because she put a stop to any niceties like that many years ago, I think just before I met my husband

Notcrackersyet · 02/12/2020 08:44

My partner’s ex definitely isn’t on my Christmas card list. In your shoes I’d be grateful she’s low profile and not demanding - from experience I can confirm that things can be a lot worse. Why shake it up? Especially given the age of DSS.

Original poster

yellowpinkk · 02/12/2020 09:12

@Smallsteps88 actually the rough time frame was given by her funnily enough.

No she had to go to work the next day and had no childcare and he wanted to stay with us so it made sense but it was more to help her out

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowpinkk · 02/12/2020 09:14

So true, i wont bother then in that case, it was more for my SC's sake, i thought it would be nice for him to have his mum an "stepmum" get along as shes had some issues with her other kids dad and gf. But its true from what ive seen so far she isnt interested in a relationship and that suits me to be fair

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 09:30

He’s 13, I’m sure he doesn’t mind the two of you not being friends. Glad you’ve changed your mind.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 02/12/2020 09:30

Card? Invoice for watching her dc imo..

She is a cf...

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2020 09:59

You don't need to have a friendly relationship with her, but then I wouldn't be doing her any favours if I wasn't, either. As PP said, she's been a CF.

Amanda87 · 02/12/2020 15:39

"BUT anyway, as were serious and things are moving forward, i want to acknowledge her a bit by sending a xmas card. Is this a good/bad idea? Do i sign it off just me bf and my ds, or just me and ds?"

DO NOT DO THIS!!
Honestly, I have been there, done that. Same boat, trying to be friends and have a good relationship and that backfired on me, because that made her think she had the power to dictate our lives.
Stay as far as you possibly can, if I may advise you.
In the end of the day, a life without ex drama is the best you can wish for when in a blended family.

YoungScrappyHungry · 04/12/2020 15:40

I wouldn't bother either OP, been there done that and all it does it make you feel like shit when it's slapped back in your face. (We had her kids all through lockdown, including on mothers day, so I sat the kids down and helped them make cards and baked some cupcakes for her, took them round and dropped them on her doorstep, she told DH that I had done it to make her look bad and show her up)

Be grateful she's not a big part of your life and let it go

Ps) Ignore @Smallsteps88 and their clear ulterior agenda on this thread.

Joeybunny77 · 24/12/2020 20:23

I wouldn't send her a card. I did this in the early years and whilst there was no comment about it, there was also no change in behaviour. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and have never quite managed to get a consistently good relationship with her. When we manage to get on, we get on very well. When we don't, it's just anxiety provoking and stressful especially when I know it's sometimes my fault! We are polite on the rare occasions that we need to communicate but I'm definitely happier having very little to do with her. The kids are happy and that's what matters.

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