When your DSC stay with you do they bring what they need with them?

[purplelollypop]

Or do you have it all there for them? And if childcare is needed on those days (after school care) do you pay for it or their DM?

Just an addendum to the clothes thing - dsd grew to rather like the fact that she had a stash of clothes at our place that were hers and hers alone - however, that was an unusual situation as she had two siblings from other fathers, so it wasn't the full family visiting, just her alone, and that made her time with us different in every respect, till our dd's came along.

3 for 2 tees are definitely the way to go!

My stepsons are here tonight - they are here for the whole weekend - and all three children are on the sofa watching the Rugby (my partner is at the actual match ) and we've had a very nice evening eating their favourite pasta and discussing where we have liked going on holiday, what we liked about it and where we'd like to go in future. It's nice and the reason it's nice is because we have lots of time together and so we are all relaxed.

mine is here too, for the week as it is his half term. me and dp have 2 other children (and a bump!) so v busy this week!

Oh agree, my general level of business fluctuates wildly . I'm getting more organised about it as time goes by though.

oh same here, have had dss here since he was under 1, so used to him now, iyswim? it gets more about crowd control when he comes here though

There's a total lack of organisation here I'm afraid. Just me and the 3 DSC tonight, my DP's also away. It's really good to have them here though. I am really missing not having them as much as we used to.

it sounds like set times that you see them would really help you, purple. we have dss every school holiday (he is nearly 6) and dp goes to see him and stays with his parents (close by to dss house) on bank hols and the odd weekends. it really helps to know what the arrrangements are.

I find we definitely get on better when we have more time together. We have been renegotiating how much time they spend with us (still ongoing) and when, trying to work it so that the time is in bigger blocks. We used to have a Tuesday night thing that was just horrible - they arrived knackered at 8pm on Tuesday and the elder one had to be back at school at 8am on Wednesday and he used to cry into his supper he was so tired... awful...

Yep, it deff does help. The arrangement as it stands suits only DP's ex. It's not a good arrangement for anyone else involved.

Yes, we have had an arrangement to suit DP's ex . But we are now putting our feet down and negotiating an arrangement to suit first the boys, then us (she is more than able to stick up for herself).

So do you think we can ask her to pay for cildcare when she asks us to have them while she's out the country? Especially as she's lied to the CSA and told them we have only ever had them 2 nights a week?

First of all you need to come to a fixed agreement about residency and contact.

Then, if she asks you to have the children on extra nights because she is travelling for work (or any other reason), you are fully entitled to ask her to meet any additional costs you incur, including necessary childcare.

In our case we are moving to either 50:50 or perhaps to residency with us, so there will no longer be any maintenance payments in either direction (ex-wife is wealthy in her own right and has a huge salary). So all we need to agree on is who pays for clothes & shoes, out-of-school activities, hairdresser. Up until now my partner has paid for the boys' nanny (full-time at their mother's house) and we never buy childcare so that issue hasn't arisen.

We're doing the same thing Anna. Dp will actually try in court to become main carer with a 50:50 arrangement. That way it will be fairly similar to the old arrangement we had. DP will then pay for all childcare and other costs but won't be liable for maintanance. It's just how to cope for the time being. I'm assuming these things take some time to organise.

hi, at the end of the day, its about the children not suffering in any way and it works both ways. The aim of the CSA is to ensure that the children (not their mother!) have a decent standard of living.

If dh is paying towards their upkeep, then mum should send clothes and contribute towards extra costs.

When dd goes to stay with her dad and step mum she takes everything with her, although it has got easier as we bought her some clothes to leave at her dads. Her dad does not pay any maintance and if he saw her on a school day which is rare then we would pay the childcare.

DD does not have a bedroom there but we have bought some toys hor her to keep at her dads and hopefully if they ever get anywhere bigger to live we will also buy her furniture.

If dp could afford it though I would insist that he paid for any costs incurred while dd is with him.

Dd somtimes comes home in an awful outfit her dad has got for free from work, I just wash it and send it back next time she goes a around.

Wow, T and P, sounds like your DD's father needs to pay something towards her. It's very reassuring to hear that not all DMs are like DP's ex though. Sounds like you're doing a great job of encouraging your DD to have a good relationship with her father.

I actually don;t care, we hvae enough money to pay the bills, have a holiay once a yewar and the odd treat and I would hate to think that anything I or dd has is funded by him. We actually pay him some money.

purplelollypop - Yes, these things can be very long and drawn out

Dsd has everything she needs here - clothes, coats, swimming things, wet suit, toys, games, bike, etc. The way I look at it is she isn't a visitor, she's a member of the family but just isn't here all the time, so has her room and stuff here just like dd, rather than arrive with a suitcase like a visitor would. She does, of course, take things from one home to the other that she wants to, like her gameboy thingy and favourite top, but on the whole just turns up.

We pay CSA payments, for school trips, birthday parties, all her holidays, give her pocket money and pay for credit on her phone, hair cuts, some of her school uniform, new outfits for school disco's etc, presents for her mum and siblings (who aren't dh's).

If she's with us and needs childcare we pay for that, but it's only in the school holidays as she lives too far away to come to us during the week.

Yeah, funnily enough I have the same situation here - strange how often the clothes situation crops up isn't it?

When I pick up my daughter she regularly is wearing clothes that are too small for her and old. I mean what is wrong with these people? My ex isn't short of money (well apart from probably pissing 8k up the wall recently on an abortive attempt at a sole residence order and using solicitors etc, quite rightly a shared residence order was made), she gets ALL the child benefit, child tax credits, tax credits etc. I get bugger all. Plus I pay CSA - although I don't have a problem with that in principle (although I did pay madam's fulltime nursery fees for 3 years, and the ex , ha!, tried to bully me into paying £500 per month for child maintenance).

I did a CSA online calculation taking into account the fact that madam lives at my house 30/35% year and me and partner have a new baby, it works out at £151 month CSA monies. I don't mind, as any extra money is extra I can provide for madam at my house.

You see, there is a financial incentive to reduce contact, as the CSA calculation only uses overnight staying contact to calculate child maintenance. Less overnights for the other parent, more money for the "resident" parent.

... and there comes another gripe.

Even though the courts have made a ruling that in my case there is a Shared Residence Order in place - which means that BOTH parents have residence, that madam has TWO homes OF EQUAL VALUE, that just by deem of being in possession of the child benefit book, my ex is deemed the "Residence Parent" and suddenly I am the "Non-Resident Parent". So I am liable for child maintenance.

Even if there was a 50:50 shared care arrangement in place, the fact that the ex has the child benefit in her name means that the CSA consider HER to be the resident parent and me the ABSENT parent. How outrageous.

So Anna888 - even if you get a 50:50 shared care arrangement, the ex will still be the resident parent and you guys will still be liable to pay child maintenance, even though child is at yours 1/2 the time!!!! This is the reason Michael Cox (barrister) went to court and to jail on principle - he has a 50:50 shared care arrangement but was being persecuted by the CSA despite his ex not wanting them too!

It's a rotten system to it's core

Anyway, back to the subject - I tend to just send madam back in whatever clothes she was wearing, washed. Too many times have I seen coats, clothes, shoes, bags just end up at the ex's. I am not here to fund her clothes buying, that is HER responsibility. I provide for my daughter when she is at mine, the ex can do the same when madam is on her watch.

Anyway, I always keep a stock of cheap clothes from tesco's in case of emergencies should I need to drop madam off at ex's in some other clothes.

sad isn't the way some people sink to these depths???? They think the world owes them a living.

Lord I love it when my partner has a one of his rants!

He is such a fantastic dad- I love the guy to bits wibble

i know what you mean-i have felt really sad today, because of various situations that have come to light regarding dss. We pay all our csa monies, plus fuel costs (£100) every month, plus shoes etc. We spend more on dss than she does-the money she has is all benefits-dp earns his whilst she sits at home. We also have 2 children, and a bump-but its like she has no regard for this fact-last time i had a baby she pestered us to have dss within a week , i wasnt ready. When dss is with us, we still have to pay csa money-where does it go if he isnt there???
i just feel sad for all the dsc that do less well than our dcs, iyswim?

sorry, my main point is thats dss obviously doesnt have all he needs so where does the money go, iyswim? i am just v today.