He blames my kid for everything

[WillowGrace26]

Recently just moved in with my long term partner, weve been together 2 years and living together about 4 months. He got to know my child before we moved in and I only met his kids after the event.

Theres a 5 year age gap between my child and his oldest, he has 2.
So, every weekend his kids are with us. My child being an only child isn't used to being around other kids especially not younger ones. My kid tends to act the goat a little bit when his kids are here, goes quite hyper bouncing about playing things like that. And I do tell him to tone it down a little bit because he can go too far sometimes.

To me its all because its new, but they're all getting on which is what we wanted just sometimes if things get too much with the running about its my child's fault if someone gets hurt its my child's fault if they won't settle on a night time its my child's fault.

My OH wont tell my child to stop doing things in the same way he would tell his own kids whereas if I tell them to stop something I'll tell them all, not just my kid. Generally then, the messing stops because I've told them all.

His kids are jumping on the furniture, its must be my kid who started it because his kids never did it.
OH doesn't see when his kids go bugging my kid the blame automatically goes to my kid, something must have happened to make them do that.

I just want a happy home when we are all together what can I do to resolve this without feelings being hurt

So you didn't meet or mix your children until you moved in? That does sound a bit testing.

Was there a reason he kept them away from you?

He sounds like a disney dad and your DS is the perfect excuse to stop him parenting his own. In your situation I would just go out with my DS during the day when his are around, and leave him to it.

His ex was adamant that I was never going to meet the kids but it happened as soon as we moved in because she met someone and wanted that time on their own. Thats the only reason I never met them up until that point, it wasn't my OHs doing.

I did think that myself re the Disney dad his dont listen when he tells them to stop it so just blames mine

I think you have the right idea telling them all whats what at the same time tbh. He needs to get on board the ship or it’s going to go way off course.
I do think it’s important to decide between you what your remits are with regards to the others children.
With my DSD I will tell her to stop swinging on her chair for example, it’s my chair and i don’t want it broken. I also don’t want DSD to physically hurt herself and won’t allow it if I can stop it while DH is elsewhere (by that I mean upstairs or popped to corner shop, I’m rarely left in full charge of DSD for any length of time). So that’s fair game for me to issue some stern looks and sharp words if need be.
If she won’t brush her teeth or is cheeky to her dad, that’s not my business, it’s for her dad to deal with. That’s personal to them and not really anything directly to do with me, so I don’t get involved.
Your DP is being a bit of an arse just now, and i think it needs some honest conversations now if you’re to have any chance of sorting it.

It just sounds like all the kids need to get out of the house and burn some energy. The park or a long walk. A nice cafe.

Take your son out and burn some energy. Have some nice 1:1 time with him. Leave DH to his own kids

@WillowGrace26

His ex was adamant that I was never going to meet the kids but it happened as soon as we moved in because she met someone and wanted that time on their own. Thats the only reason I never met them up until that point, it wasn't my OHs doing.

I did think that myself re the Disney dad his dont listen when he tells them to stop it so just blames mine

How was your partner going to see his kids if he moved in with you (before his exs u turn)

2 years isn't a long term relationship op, you hadn't even met his dc until you moved in together thats completely wrong. When did all the kids met each other? Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. The kids must be so confused.

Of course 2 years is a long term relationship. Thousands of people get engaged/married/move in together after 2 years.

@CandyLeBonBon

Of course 2 years is a long term relationship. Thousands of people get engaged/married/move in together after 2 years.

But she didn’t get to meet the kids until after they moved in together. In that situation it would have been better to wait a bit longer I think.

My kid tends to act the goat a little bit when his kids are here, goes quite hyper bouncing about playing things like that
I'm confused because you're acknowledging here what you are accusing your OH to think about your DS.

Ultimately, if you are not in the same page discipline wise, things are only going to get worse.

@GrumpyHoonMain that's a valid opinion. But a 2 year relationship is still long term.

I haven't met my DP's daughter. We've been together nearly 3 years. Should we choose to live together in the future it's entirely possible that I still won't have met her (long and complicated backstory which I won't bore you with).

Sometimes things are complicated

I don't think this is going to work out.

I think you need to set ground rules 5 years is a big gap and expectatios for theolder will be different. and tbh if you child ismpeseant when he tells his children off I would expect your child to behave as well .

How old is your DS?

Nope I wouldn't tolerate this at all. No one bullies my child

Sometimes, for whatever reason or reasons , roommate groupings do not work. This may be the case in your situation. In this setting , it sounds as if your son cannot be himself. It sounds as though your partner finds living with your son to be difficult for him.

This may simply be a situation where there is no right or wrong just a case of 2 people (your partner and your son) whose personalities are so different that, at this time, they will not live together harmoniously.

Not every one who is a good fit for you is necessarily a good fit to live with your child. Obviously, this relationship worked well when you lived apart, maybe that is the best arrangement for the 2 of you until the boys are older. It may be that your partner had reservations about your sons behavior and he rather than his ex delayed the introduction.

This may not be a relationship failure but instead a matter of a misstep in moving in together.

Hold on, the OP herself is saying that her child is hyper when other children are around. And that actually said child is a bit much. If another adult is pointing this out, how is that bullying? Vs fact?

OP, my youngest (not an only child) was similar to this. Youngest is a bit ‘young’ for their age (don’t know why, older ones are mature). And basically would just become a bit of a nightmare and hyper / annoying/ screechy when other children were around. I mean I genuinely say this child used to scream and shouts (too much).

And it absolutely impacted the vibe. And caused the children as a whole to sort of either go hyper themselves or sort of back away from the noise.
It was really annoying. A few things have helped.

1. getting them outside as a PP has suggested and ensuring they’ve had a good run around.
2. talking to them about their behaviour (121). I essentially said to my youngest that their behaviour was loud and that it wasn’t fair and we needed to work on it. And if it got loud, I would interrupt play and say ‘it’s happening’, please come here and sit down and calm down. They would return to play more subdued.
3. Working with them on controlling emotions vs allowing them to burst everywhere because they’re excited.

A hyper child / one who acts up through excitement is not a fun child to be around. It becomes exhausting and I can say that (firmly) as a parent. My ex partner never had to deal with it or say anything, I did. And it was constant firm reminders. Said child is older now and the behaviour has settled. Although there is still the odd reminder to quieten down/ settle.

Sorry so I mean to say, I don’t agree that moving out / not living together is the answer. Mine behaved like this and it wasn’t because I lived with someone (because I didn’t).

What you need to do as the parent is tackle this 121 with the child. Explain what behaviour changes you see and ask why. Then explain to the child that you are going to work together to help settle them. Because it isn’t relaxing to be around and there is a line between having fun and being excited/ too much. It sounds like the child needs help settling/ calming/ regulating their emotions. That’s your job and you have to do it in the moment there and then. Pull child out of play, sit quietly with them away from the others and say ‘it’s happening, how are you feeling? What’s going on?’. Then do that constantly. Gentle checks to correct behaviour.

Acting up at bedtime? What’s happening that your child can be blamed for? Are they in the same room? Is there a wind down routine for you and your child away from the others?

There’s lots that can be done here, and based on the little you’ve posted I don’t think this is your partner being a Disney dad. You yourself have admitted that your child acts up.

It's not going to work OP. Your son will eventually become a shell of himself if you put yourself first here.

There's no law that says you have to live together. Go back to seperate houses and let him see his kids on his own terms.

I assume you stick up for your child and tell your new bf not to put the blame on him or her?

As a good mum would. Does he not listen to you when you tell him not to pick on your child?

Is it possible for you to move out again? Are you desperate to stay with this man, even though he doesn't treat the children equally?