Ex moving in with his girlfriend

[LHM1983]

Hi all, I’m looking for some perspective on this situation please. My ex and I have been separated for over 3 years, the most part being amicable. My ex has had 5 relationships in that time, each time our daughter (now 7 years) has met the woman and each time, the relationship has ended after a few weeks and never lasted longer than about 4/5 months. My ex has been in a new relationship for 2.5-3 months and announced tonight that he is moving in with her and her kids. Our daughter has only met them once and will now be asked to share a bedroom with 2 other children who are 14 and 7 years old each weekend when she spends time with her Dad. There are 3 children in the ‘new’ family, all 3 are severely autistic, the 11 year old girl identifies as a boy and none of the children see their own fathers. There appear to be huge complexities within the home already and My ex has PTSD, anxiety and depression and I am concerned that this is a recipe for disaster. I am reluctant to allow my daughter to spend nights at this new house given that the adults have barely had time to get to know each other and given the complexity of the situation. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks!

It doesn’t sound good, and also doesn’t sound like the type of environment I would want my daughter in if I’m honest.

I would say no, this isn’t good enough and he needs to do better. I wouldn’t want to share with 2 children older than me and who I didint even know! That’s just uncomfortable!

@lunar1 I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. Your response has really brought home how long lasting the impact of his choices could be. It’s lovely that you were able to continue a positive relationship with one of your Dads partners though.
I want nothing more than for this relationship to work but I just feel like it’s all too much too soon.

You have to remember that this isn't your doing, you are limited in your options and there is no magic wand to fix his behaviour. He's her dad and you can't change that.

I would be glad that he is so open about the situation and I would avoid doing anything to make him clam up with you.

Keep a record of what's happening, both the good and bad. Talk to your dd. Be ready to step in when needed. He might be an idiot but your child loves him.

Clearly this isn't in her best interest, but it's never as easy as just stopping contact. You never really know someone until you have a child with them do you!

@LHM1983 you sound like you really have your head screwed on so I'd say trust your instincts & stick with them.
I'm all for kids seeing their nrp but I honestly feel in this case your dd should do no overnights until you see how things pan out. Given your ex's history I would be inclined to say that he will most likely always be this unreliable, & moving forward your dd may benefit more from little & often visits rather than spending long periods of time with her dad. I can see a future of constant house moves & new relationships in his life & no matter how nice or good a person he may be your dd will suffer for his inconsistency.

I'm concerned that this new girlfriend is letting him move in with her and 3 vulnerable children after knowing him for 3 months. Its odd and that's not the ki d of judgement I would expect from a woman that my daughter was staying with overnight.
Could your DD stay on a blow up bed in the living room or anywhere else until she has got to know the new kids rather than sharing a room with them?

I wouldn’t be happy with her sleeping in the living room alone in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people. He has just brought her home from overnight contact last night and I attempted to have a conversation with him about my concerns and to propose halting overnight stays until the children have had a chance to get to know each other. He refused point blank, said I couldn’t stop him and said he would be going down the legal route. I think I’m going to need to obtain a child arrangements order. I had hoped we could keep the lines of communication open and work together to find a happy medium for all involved but it seems that he wants it all on his terms.

Wow. He’s given you no choice. What an idiot. It sounds like you’ve been really supportive and accommodating of his mental health problems but he’s not prepared to be reasonable over this? Time to protect your daughter from this selfish man.

I'm all for kids seeing their nrp

How noble of you

I would question the motives of any woman who allowed a man to move in after just 3 months, where she has 3 autistic children. OP, just say no to the overnight stays until they all know each other a lot better.

Rely on your gut instinct - it is correct. Your ex behaving the way he has shows that this will not be the place for your daughter to stay overnight so let him go down the legal route as your daughter's wellbeing will be taken into account. By the way, I'd start distancing myself from him as he is no longer your concern and, by putting your daughter first, you can no longer be bezzy mates. Start writing a time line of his different relationships and your daughter's involvement with these women so you have something concrete to evidence the instability of it all. Good luck.

Your ex may be a caring father, but he seems to have very juvenile and flawed judgement. Given, the duration of the relationships that you described, there was no good reason or need for your daughter to have met any of these people. It is not unreasonable for an adult to have revolving door or merry go round relationships, but that is no reason to involve young children in these relationships.

At 3 months or less , he did not know them well enough to introduce them to your daughter . This opinion in justified by the duration of each of those relationships.
There has to be something a bit off kilter with a woman who would move a man that she has known for only 3 months into a home that she shares with her 3 disabled minor children. Both this woman and your ex are adults with poor decision making skills.

You can be certain that she is not going to demonstrate more concern for the safety and well-being of your child than she is showing for the safety and well being of her own children.

It is unfortunate that your husband makes poor choices for himself, that is something over which you have no control and in which you should have no real interest. Ideally, your ex should be free to make decisions on his parenting time, but if he is making decisions that put your daughter at risk , you have a right to express your concerns.

It may be that you need to consult a solicitor or attorney to see what legal recourse, if any, might be available to you.

One possibility is that this relationship will run the normal course of his relationships and it will be over before too long.

Don't let your daughter stay overnight. Agree on a transition period, say 6 months. It would be very scary to share a room with 2 strangers

@YoungScrappyHungry & your point is???

Sadly I don’t think this will be settled out of court. I sent him a message on Saturday asking if he could ask his new girlfriend if she would be prepared to meet with me for a walk and to put a face to the name. I thought perhaps meeting her would reduce some of my concerns... he didn’t reply so I chased on Sunday and he came back to me to say that they hadn’t made a decision. I text him today asking if he would attend mediation and he said ‘no point, it’s a waste of time, money and effort’. I also asked again about meeting the girlfriend to which he hasn’t replied. I really don’t want to go to court, it’ll be an upsetting experience for everyone but he is not listening to the wishes of our daughter or taking my concerns seriously. He wants the parental rights without the responsibility.

@LHM1983
The fact that he is not responding may be an indicator that this relationship is now on the path of all if his prior relationships. He may be reaching his upper time limit for a relationship.

Your problem may resolve itself.