Ex moving in with his girlfriend

[LHM1983]

Hi all, I’m looking for some perspective on this situation please. My ex and I have been separated for over 3 years, the most part being amicable. My ex has had 5 relationships in that time, each time our daughter (now 7 years) has met the woman and each time, the relationship has ended after a few weeks and never lasted longer than about 4/5 months. My ex has been in a new relationship for 2.5-3 months and announced tonight that he is moving in with her and her kids. Our daughter has only met them once and will now be asked to share a bedroom with 2 other children who are 14 and 7 years old each weekend when she spends time with her Dad. There are 3 children in the ‘new’ family, all 3 are severely autistic, the 11 year old girl identifies as a boy and none of the children see their own fathers. There appear to be huge complexities within the home already and My ex has PTSD, anxiety and depression and I am concerned that this is a recipe for disaster. I am reluctant to allow my daughter to spend nights at this new house given that the adults have barely had time to get to know each other and given the complexity of the situation. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks!

That sounds very difficult and no, I don't think you are being unreasonable to have concerns.

Blimey. Is contact court ordered? How much does she see him normally??

It sounds like the last thing any of the children involve need is to move in together. I’d share your concerns. Not sure what you can do if it’s court ordered but if it’s not I think I’d refuse. It sounds potentially very difficult.

Not much you can do, on his time and he has PR just as you do it's his judgement call to make, just as yours is on your time.

You seem to know a lot about the girlfriends home.life already, including that the childrens dads dont see them? Which is a bit odd..

By all means say you would rather it be a slow process and not have overnight stays to see how it goes for a few months, but really your daughter needs proper contact time with her father and if he's chosen to move in, rightly or wrongly, that is where it will need to be.

How often does he see her?

How do you know so much about the girlfriends? I know the name of exh’s exes if anything...

@KarmaNoMore that's what I was wondering.

How often does he have contact now? How does he cope with life and parenting responsibilities generally?

Every family has challenges and complexities but I would not plunge a 7yo into overnight stays with four strangers this fast, quite apart from all the issues here.

What gender are the 7 and 14yos? Would she have her own bed?

Surely if the 3 children have severe autism then it won’t be great for them to have a new child dropping in and out and sleeping with them? Not fair on them and definitely not fair on your DD if they have bad reactions.

It also sounds possible that your DD won’t get much/any 1:1 time with her Dad, either.

Add to this that your ex has what sound like severe ongoing mental health issues and the fact that this has happened so quickly and there are tons of red flags.

Sharing with a 14 year old stranger seems inappropriate. They are female presumably?

I normally say that dads can do what they see as the best during their contact time but in this situation I’d be stepping in and saying this isn’t right on a large part due to the bedroom sharing situation. It’s an unfair position to put your DD in when she doesn’t know the children. I think I would say no overnights until they all know each other better.

How do you know so much about your exes gfs? Where has all of this information come from on his gf? I think you need to MYOB and keep your nose out. It’s his time with his child. Sounds like you’re interfering and making things up to me.

OP, you describe a complex family scenario and it might be the case that it is not in the interests of any of the children for this living arrangement to take place so soon. However, I think you need proper advice from someone who understands the dynamics of the situation in real life.

Out of interest how do you know so much about the new family?

For those saying theres not much she can do . Really ? I'd refuse to let my child go and he can fight me for it
It's my job to make sure my child is safe not roll over and send them into any old situation.
I just found out this morning ex dp has let ds (6) go to the park alone with his 10 yr old brother . I told him no way and if I find out that's happened again he wont be going at all .
I dont actually care what anyone else's opinion is, if I'm not happy my child is safe he doesnt go. End of.

@KarmaNoMore I make it my business to find out everything I can about any new adult my child is spending time with.
Actually ex dp agrees with me and I have met the lady who hes moved in with.
Sorry , but why wouldn't you ?

Thank you all for your input. My ex is somewhat of an over-sharer. As I said, things have been mostly amicable between us over the last 3 years and I’d go as far as to say we have actually enjoyed a friendship of sorts (purely platonic). I think he has told me so much detail about the life of his new girlfriend and her family set up as a way of proving how deeply he knows her and that he understands the challenges he will inevitably face by being a part of that.
He usually picks our daughter up on a Wednesday from school and returns her after dinner and he has her one weekend day and night ever week. We alternate the day each week. He has said the Wednesday evening will likely be dropped as he is moving out of county.
Unfortunately my ex does not cope well with life and parenting in general. He has complex PTSD which is actually quite life limiting in his case and is why I am so closely involved in his time with our daughter. He suffers from suicidal ideation at times and I have to be alert to any changes in his mood etc so that I can take appropriate steps to safeguard our daughter. I do stop contact when his mood is very low, not by means as a punishment for him but to keep my daughter safe and he understands this. In some respects I definitely feel that my daughter will benefit from having the love and support of another adult in her life but the dynamics of the home really do concern me. The children she would be sharing with are both girls and I understand that there is a set of bunk beds in the room and another single bed will be bought. I asked how the 14 year old feels about sharing her room with an unfamiliar child and he told me ‘she doesn’t have a choice.’
The last thing I want to do is to stop contact. My daughter utterly adores her Daddy and so looks forward to spending time with him. What I would like is a gradual introduction to these people and their home and to allow all the children time to accept each other. I just don’t know how I can make that happen.

“She doesn’t have a choice”? Charming attitude towards a severely autistic child facing significant change. And possibly overlooking how that child might take out their unhappiness on DD.

How does your daughter feel about this new set up and about sharing a room with two others?

Sorry, OP, but it would be no overnights for a long while until DD knows them all much better and Ex can prove he can give her some quality time while living with a new GF and three high-needs children.

Since you are on good terms, in the short term , could he stay with your DD overnight at your place for contact with your DD while you stay with a friend? And it will only be short term anyway before he splits with this woman. If the woman is so uncaring about her own DDs with autism she is unlikely to be a positive influence or kind to your DD.

What he is doing is not in your DDs best interest. What you are proposing ie a more gradual introduction is. I honestly don’t understand the rush for your ex and his GF to move in together after such a short time and would expect it will be a very short lived relationship with that amount of pressure on it.
I think a lot here depends on how you propose the changes. I’d make it clear that you are concerned about the impact on all the kids and that any halt in overnights is just a temporary thing while everyone gets to know each other. Show that you are willing to listen to his point of view but gently press him on how they intend to deal with any issues that arise.

@MeridianB that is precisely my worry. The 14 year old may very well be quite unreceptive to my daughter and I wouldn’t actually blame her.
When he told me yesterday, I said that our daughter would be devastated to hear that he’s moving. The couple he has lived with for the past 2 years have almost become like an aunt and uncle to her and they have a dog that she has grown up with from a puppy. He called her in and asked her how she would feel is he told her he was moving and she said ‘I would be very sad. Where would I sleep? What about the dog? Would I still see you as often’ but more to the point she said ‘I don’t even know them Daddy’. My heart broke for her.
Unfortunately it’s not an option for him to stay at my house as I have another child and I know he would never agree to it even if I could facilitate that.

Do you know why he’s moving in so fast with GF?

His contact time is for the benefit of your DD. This is not something to be forced to fit around his needs and wants. I hope he will be reasonable.

Can't believe the pp saying myob. Am in similar situation with ex having just introduced totally unsuitable gf. DD 9yo now really insecure and jealous as she thinks she has to compete for his attention.

Can remember having to stay with unwanted stepsisters as a teen, and that was a permanent arrangement not s/term. Really not great being told you have no choice at that age.

I wouldn't be allowing overnights either.

@Rainbowqueeen thank you for your suggestions. I asked him what the big rush was and he said ‘it feels right.’ Unfortunately he made plans to move in with all 4 of the other women before the relationships failed so this isn’t a new concept to him and makes me think that moving is more about him and feeling secure then it is about the way he feels about this partner. He has a clear pattern of behaviour that has repeated over the years and this current situation follows that pattern exactly. I’m worried that when this relationship fails he will be homeless, unable to maintain contact with our daughter and his MH will suffer hugely. All of this will be devastating to our daughter.

Legally you can't do anything.. I am wondering if his currents 'hosts' have asked him to move out. Given his medical history and the gf's somewhat busy household would he move in by choice? Sadly you wil have to let this play out and be supportive of your dd should she start not wanting to visit. Ultimately your ex will have to decide if gf and her dc are more important than seeing his dd. These situations don't usually go in favour of the own dc..

@nimbuscloud the fact you’ve said that this sounds far fetched actually reassured me that I’m not overreacting. It does sound far fetched but sadly for these children, this is about to become their reality!

I'm usually very much on the side of NRP being able to parent how they see fit during contact time but that's because it's often to do with an RP projecting their own emotions onto a situation as opposed to genuine concerns for safety etc. In this case it does sound like this situation could be detrimental to your daughter. I don't know what the legal position would be around stopping overnights but I don't think YWBU to not force your DD to stay over if she at least gives it a go and doesn't like it.

You could be writing about my dad, except he actually moved in with all the random women!

Some were nice, one I connected with as an adult and we are good friends now, she loves my children and gets a lot of pleasure out of seeing them grow up, she couldn't have her own and loved her role in our life growing up. My dad scared her away from ever dating a man with children again sadly.

My dad and the random that finally stuck are absolute assholes and we see each other at funerals.

I can't give impartial advice here as it's is so close to the trauma that was my childhood. Just the fact that you are questioning it all means you will do a better job than my mum did.

I would attempt a very calm and measured approach. Talk to him first and go from there. You might face some very difficult choices in protecting your daughter.