What made you walk away from step parenting?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new on Mumsnet and I have been reading this board for a while. Even though I am not technically a step-parent, I was in a long term relationship with a man with kids (I have none), and I have experienced a lot of the struggles that this type of life brings. Eventually, I ended that relationship for three main reasons:

1. The relationship became too imbalanced, as I was childfree and all the compromises and sacrifices were coming from me.
2. My ex was completely unable to put boundaries in place with the mother of his DC, as well as with his DC (Disney parenting and all that jazz).
3. I felt like a spare part in his life, like an outsider looking in whilst he was living his "real life" with his first family. I felt very lonely.

In the end, it became too much for me, I was always miserable and I became resentful, so the relationship ended with lots of heartbreak for everyone.

Although I know that at the time, it was the only possible healthy choice for myself, I still sometimes miss my ex and wonder what could have been.

I'd be curious to hear the experience of other people who walked away from step-parenting, and the reasons why they did it. Have you ever regretted that choice? Do you think that that life could have been for you if you or your ex had done things differently? Are you glad you made that decision?

I haven't left my DP yet, but will be doing so by the end of 2020. My reasons for doing so in relation to step-parenting are as follows:

1. EXDW - constantly interfering in our lives, and DP not putting boundaries in place. An example is me asking DSS11 to take his plate to the kitchen and wash it (we don't have a dishwasher). DSS tells his DM I've told him to wash up a mountain of dishes (a lie), she then tells DP I shouldn't be telling DSS what to do, and treating DSS like a servant. Instead of DP firmly telling her not to interfere, and backing me, he says he'll speak to me Each time something similar happens, DSS is subconsciously taking in the message that shady I say in my own house doesn't matter.

2. DSS - lies constantly, e.g. above, especially when asked to do something he does not want to do. Once told his DM that I'd screamed in his face telling him off, when actually I'd given him a very stern telling off for tripping over DS, who was 3 at the time. This incident resulted in me telling DP I will not be alone with DSS again, as I don't know what he'll say next.

3. DP - treats DSS like a visiting celebrity. We can't go anywhere or do anything on the weekends DSS is not there, and DSS is now picking up the same attitude. We live near a free to visit landmark which I took DD and DS to see. DP didn't want to come with us, so I went with my DDad, and bought DP and DSS souvenirs. When DSS next came for his EOW and was given the gift, instead of saying thank you, the first thing he said was we should have waited for him to go.

4. DP - treats our DC like second class citizens. Never remembers anything I tell him about the DC, but any appointment EXDW asks him to attend, he's there to show he's DOTY. DD has SEN, and he's missed a number of appointments that he couldn't be bothered going to. Then claims it's my fault because I didn't remind him (I send him calendar invites so it goes in his diary).

I think DP will end up alone after a time, as no woman will tolerate this behaviour long-term. After 7 years of it, I'm done.

I can't remember if I wrote on that other thread, but I will be very relieved at not having to see DSS again after this experience.

I'll also not go out with another man with DC unless I can see that they have very boundaried relationship.

Good luck @itsovernowthen

Thanks @Christmasbiscuit!

It is crazy how the struggles seem to be always the same, poor boundaries with ex and DC, guilty parenting, lack of effort in the relationship, one-sided sacrifices.

I honestly would never, ever walk into a relationship with another man with DC. I am sure that there are some unicorn single dads out there with balanced family dynamics and room in their life, mind and heart for a healthy relationship. However, I suspect that is tiny minority and I just wouldn't take another gamble like that again.

My best friend got into this situation and soon found that she had become the unpaid childcare provider and household slave while he played Disney dad with his 2 kids. She eventually had enough and left - at which point he cancelled the paid-for holiday to Eurodisney - because "she had spoiled it" by not coming.

Completely refused to look after his own kids. Quel surprise.

All of these comments resonate with me. I left a 5 year relationship 6 months ago. I found it so hard to let go and was devastated but I could see no end in sight to the manipulative ex wife and no boundaries whatsoever set by my ex. I also had to take into account the complete difference in parenting between my children and his.
If it was making you miserable (as it was making me) then what is there to miss? I very much doubt once you left everything changed overnight & they are now a perfectly functional family. I could see my standards lowering to accommodate my ex’s needs. I do miss him & the time we had together but that was only really when it was just the two of us. We actually had a chat about a month after we split & he said his kids weren’t bad kids & when he had them he didn’t want to tell them off as he didn’t see them all the time & that I was overly obsessed with his ex & that he was blameless. That stung! Since then I have heard a few snippets from a mutual friend and it would appear that family life has turned much worse for him and it’s down to his pandering. It didn’t make me feel better that he was suffering but it did confirm I’d made the right decision.

I left a relationship just over 10 years ago for very similar reasons. To be fair, his exW was completely reasonable and fair. He’d just never say no when it was anything involving the kids. They had long standing contact days/arrangements but if she needed to vary it, it was always for a genuine reason like work, he’d just say yes without consulting me, or even mentioning it until they showed up.

I never saw where we lived as my home, I was more like a paying guest.

Another one who treated his DC as visiting celebrities; he literally used to sit and watch his youngest eat/watch TV/do homework. Neither of the kids had to clear up anything or so much as take a cup to the sink or put a wrapper in the bin. They weren’t babies either (8 & mid-teens when we met).

One summer, I counted from May-September we NEVER went anywhere as a couple. Not even a day trip. He did however spend every spare minute taking his youngest DC camping/hiking. His defence “I always ask if you want to come!” although anyone who spends 5 minutes in my company knows that kind of “holiday” is my idea of hell.

He was a complete Disney Dad and I just couldn’t stand it. I swore I’d never get involved with a man with DC again. My DH does have a DC but they are older (mid 30s) and very LC (for various reasons, stretching long back before he met me).

I was young (23 at the time) and didnt have children of my own.

I was living with my parents at the time of meeting him so had no experience of older children (i think they were about 7 and 9) and had no experience of running a home etc.

The nasty text messages, nasty remarks about me to the kids even though she had never met me (i had seen her from a distance)

I had very little tolerance of children and had unrealistic expectations of them as i had none of my own.

He and his ex couldnt co parent properly and there was huge conflict between them.

Never again!

he said his kids weren’t bad kids & when he had them he didn’t want to tell them off as he didn’t see them all the time & that I was overly obsessed with his ex & that he was blameless.

@pastel01 I got told the exact same. Somehow I became the problem.

@sassbott and @pastel01do you think that most of the issues regarding step-parenting boil down to the parent not being able to handle things well? The more experiences I read about, the more it sounds that in the end, it is all down to the parent not balancing parenthood and a new relationship well.

Morning @StefInTheLandOfCrazy. Yes I do think that a lot of these issues come down to one / combo of the following:

1. a RP who is non supportive of the wider set up and consciously / sub consciously seeks to cause disruption in the NRP house via children/ conflict. A RP holds a lot of control over the children and via that control they can either seek to work with the children to adapt to the new set ups (this is what healthy parents who want their children to suffer minimally will do), or they can ensure the children are whipped up to be disruptive/ rejecting and disrespectful.
2. A NRP who is unable to fully accept their lot in life can make these situations 10 fold worse. In this scenario I am alluding to the EOW contact set up. They are desperate to see the children more, a RP doesn’t allow it. Contact then gets viewed as insufficient/ unfair/ time is lacking. That sense of ‘unfairness’ permeates everything. And the axis upon which they build their life becomes skewed. Due to the children being the scarcity, the partner/ resident children are taken for granted. And the world wholly pivots to the NR children. This sets up a family dynamic and fundamental imbalance that becomes intensely challenging to navigate for anyone who is not part of the core ‘clan.’ It’s where you start to feel like an outsider in your own home. Or when you feel your children are less important. Or (in my case), that you get scraps in the relationship when actually you’re looking for someone to meet your adult / intimate needs. The NR parent struggles to make themselves fully available to their new world whilst trying to ‘fight/ be available’ for the NR children. It’s a very powerful weapon to control access to your children (as a RP) via the courts. And it’s why so many women do it. Make the children the thing that is constantly missing from another parents life? How do they turn fully devote themselves to a new relationship? They can’t.
3. Disney dads - these exist across the spectrum I’ve realised. In all sorts of contact arrangements. My exh has our children nearly 50% of the time. At my house my children have a long list of chores and they do them. I found out a few months ago that at his? He does it all. I gave him short shrift and told him to make sure they did chores and pulled their weight at his, which now happens. The Disney phenomenon is heightened in EOW and again I can understand why. Weekends are cleared. And everything stops to pivot around the NR children. Fine if that just involves the father and their children. Not so fine for other members of the household who sit their dreading EOW precisely because of the imbalance it brings into their home.

All roads lead back to the parents. If they can co-parent happily and robustly (on the same page with discipline/ respect / healthy humility) then life in both households becomes easier.
If they cannot, and the children are used as weapons (access being controlled etc)/ high conflict exes being difficult over the most insignificant matters/ parents viewing their prodigy as the most important child ever to have walked the earth and their children’s needs are higher / more important than any other child who has walked the earths surface...then essentially, this is where life is just horrible. No one wins. Aside from the vindictive ex.

I send a prayer to the gods (I’m not even religious), on a daily basis. Thanking the heavens that I never moved in with my ex partner.
I miss him. I do not miss his hideous exwife who is weapon of mass destruction. I do not miss his children (who are on track to become weapons themselves if the bat crazy ex doesn’t settle). I don’t miss living with his unavailability. I don’t miss feeling insignificant / invisible next to HIS CHILDREN. I don’t miss any part of the toxicity/ conflict (all incited by the exwife btw).

The only slight saving grace is that finally the courts seems to be twigging to her behaviour and she is under no illusions that she has absolutely no grounds to continue to be difficult over contact/ fight the arrangements. Even the children’s school seem to have wised up to her. But that has taken YEARS. And that’s (sadly) how long it takes courts/ schools/ professionals to twig that a parent (especially a mother) is just acting out of vindictiveness (not genuine concern). IME the whole system is rigged to assume that if a mother (normally the RP) fights contact - there is just reason to do so. It’s nuts and I can bluntly say that our family court systems in this country are a farce. And far too aligned to mothers - it’s via the courts that RP’s systematically abuse NRP.

Judges see it, potentially know it. But an allegation is made? Must be investigated. It gets shut down/ not proven - absolutely zero recourse to the parent who has made them time and again.

@StefInTheLandOfCrazy I know you didn't ask me but I'm going to chip in anyway .
I personally think all these guys are led by guilt. They don't want to be back with their exes & they like their child free time (nothing wrong with that - I do too - but I don't beat myself up about if). However, society still buys Into the whole poor jilted wife & abandoned children narrative, EVEN when the split was mutual & the kids see their dad lots.
So, dad ends up feeling like he has something to prove - ie he's not a bad parent & he hasn't 'abandoned' anyone. He seems to believe if he can just shower the kids with attention (often vigorously promoted by his ex - many of whom seem to rewrite the narrative of their splits in their heads) & if he can also get another woman to do the same (think his kids are wonderful & important) then he can recreate the happy family (that society tells him he alone has split up) & all will be fine, nothing 'bad' has actually happened & he has nothing to feel guilty or ashamed for.

Also, excellent posts @sassbott

Thank you @Magda72. The guilt is a very interesting one. I hadn’t thought of that. Is there perhaps also something in here around the loss of the provider/ key father role? Especially if another man is on the scene?

I don’t know about your exp magda but my exp’s EW is engaged and the new man appears everywhere. Every school event, even if (like a nativity) there is more than one showing, she and her fiancé turn up to both. And because the children spend more time with this man, they are visibly close to him around my exp. I mean he’s a guy and he doesn’t even to have (what I deem) semi decent respect and just remove himself from time to time. He’s always there.
The children also facetime their mother on contact weekends and this guy is on FaceTime every weekend. I barely ever appeared on my exp’s FaceTime (unless it was a special occasion). I knew my presence winds their mother up and that would only impact the children, so I stayed away.

Her fiancé? Seems to relish rubbing my exp’s nose in it. I don’t think it’s remotely classy. It’s quite vindictive actually. So that can play a huge part also.

Very interesting point @Magda72 about the role of guilt in the dynamic.

I remember my ex telling me that he felt the pressure to show to family and friends that he was a "good guy" and hadn't abandoned his ex and DC. Even though nobody insinuated the contrary, he felt he had to prove he was not one of the stereotypical bad guys. Thus, he was desperate to be "nice" to his ex-wife, went out of his way to do her unrequested favours (for example spontaneously picking up her bike from the repair shop because she had forgotten) and to generally be ex-husband and dad of the year.

That left very little time, energy and mental space to a new relationship. He just didn't have room for me in his life.

Most of our relationship issues were due to his Ex. I didn’t like the fact my partner wouldn’t stand up for himself Against her and her family. He would say ‘I don’t want the drama’ but that drama would spill into our household. She tried to get him fired from his job and he still let her get away with it. Eventually I found myself become toxic and not the person I wanted to be

The joy and relief I felt when I realised that the DSC's mum could no longer undermine and criticise me and force the narrative that her kids were in charge of me, no Sunday evening tension waiting for them to go home and mum to message with her string of 'explain to me why you told my children they had to eat their tea/tidy their room/bring their plates to the sink'. No more of my DC being picked on by twice his age and size DSC and resulting drama from XP when it was challenged. No more dogs work for me of pick ups, drop offs, homework, constant child care whilst XP fucked off to the pub leaving me with DSC who refused to listen to a word I said. No more paying for XP and DSC on every day out. No more snidey comments from DSC 'that tea wasn't the best', 'you should have washed [item of clothing screwed up at the side of their bed for me to find and pick up] by now'. No more having to join in the pretence of DSC having undiagnosed anxiety/social communication disorder/dyslexia/a bad leg every time one of them didn't fancy doing something.

I’m still a SM fundamentally but I did walk away. My SD is still in our lives but when it got too much I opted out completely to begin with and my partner and I agreed rules and we did this for years. It’s true I gave him no choice, I said leave me if u don’t like it and thankfully he stayed and we worked it out. He always had contact with his daughter throughout and still does. But had contact with her in any shape or form for seven years. We now go on dog walks together and meet for a latte with her Dad. We see each other two or three hours a month tops. That’s enough.

Not even close, but I went on three or four days with a man who had a young son.

He saw him at weekends, and commented to me that he was going to knock off every other weekend so he could see me more often.

I ran for the hills. Who wants a man who is willing to see his son so rarely?

^dates

@madcatladyforever

I've never walked away from step parenting because I'd never date anyone with kids. It's far too much hassle.

Same here.

I might have dated a father when I was early 20s, if he was separated and we wouldn't have been likely to develop into anything long term.

Older people with adult children who have long flown the nest are usually OK.

Taking on part of the duties of bringing up my partner's children and probably adding my own into the equation - not on.

I'd imagine reading some of the posts on here about step parenting would be enough to put anyone off.

@sassbott I'm sitting here nearly in tears reading your posts as you are describing my life. My experience of the family courts has been horrific, DP's ex has nearly driven him to suicide, has ruined him financially and viciously controls access to the children who don't live with us. The children are desperate to see dad more but because mum limits contact my DP is seen as a monster. I genuinely don't know when or how this will end but I am under an almost intolerable level of stress every day. We adore each other and could be so happy together but the high conflict with his ex and the determination of the courts to see her as a saint is so destructive.

@DrDetriment I’m sorry for you and sorry to read about your experience.

I would like to say I have an immense amount of respect for the family courts/ judges/ professionals. And to some extent I do. They are doing intensely difficult jobs with very stretched and limited resources.

However the clear reality is that they are woefully inequipped to deal with parents who are out to abuse via their courts. I won’t share the details of what happened to my ex, as they will be quite outing and I have no qualms that the hideous excuse of the woman who is his children’s mother lurks here. The courts have been the mecanism of her abuse and even when a judge was told by a professional that her conduct was causing emotional harm to the children. He did absolutely nothing. Nothing. Simply put her behaviour down to ‘anxiety’.

Since then I have lost all respect for the courts and can see just how biased they are against fathers. These women can bankrupt the fathers. Destroy their lives. And it’s the courts who allow it.

Then you get the (bluntly speaking) stupid lot who post on threads here repeatedly saying ‘well take the ex to court and get court ordered contact otherwise your partner is useless.’ Its one application and you can self represent.

Yeah. Right. My ex has been on/ off battling in the family courts for years. And I won’t even disclose the vast sums of money (near bankrupting him) that are involved. But hey. If as a woman you want the father of your children to not move on, enjoy life with another woman - then make him fight via the courts for contact. It’ll clean suck the joy out of everyone’s life.

It destroyed my relationship.

@sassbott