I just stumbled on your post. I hope you are okay. I relate to your post 100%. Such a difficult situation. I met my partner 5 years ago. Shortly after I met her only child, he was 6 yrs old at the time. I immediately knew something was ‘odd’ about him. She warned me that her son was clinging. Wow. Immediately my head was spinning with “what is going on here?” thinking. I mean, i was no expert but this child clearly had some unaddressed issues. That was my first introduction into the art of gently navigating into important conversations. That in itself was extremely stressful. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever had a more difficult task than raising the possibility that a mother’s child is likely undiagnosed autistic. Especially when they’ve been in such a state of denial.
It took 6 months of guidance from my psychologist to navigate that period. I mean, I really wanted to support them through it once it was acknowledged but I felt ill-equipped and overwhelmed. In Australia there is an abundance of funding/support available once diagnosis is acquired. At the core of this dilemma I felt that it was the child who was sadly missing out on every chance they deserved. My gf told me that her son had ‘delays’ and he had physical difficulties with sport etc. The picture was starting to become troubling the clearer it became. See, he was also extremely spoilt. He had a room devoted to his toys in her house. This room was seriously two feet deep in a chaotic mess of every toy imaginable. Basically if he asked for it, they raced off and he got whatever he wanted.
Well, after equipping myself with psychological preparation, I took the initiative of prompting her to get him properly assessed at a children’s hospital in our city. After supporting them lovingly through that whole process the report came back autistic and many other attached issues. Quite serious. Unbeknownst to me I had an underlying resentment forming as to why nobody prior to me had stepped up and helped this woman address this. Especially her ‘loving’ family and friends. I mean, it is important to address this as early as possible and believe me I can see why that is so. The denial was dealt with by spoiling the child which resulted in a whole new level of ‘unlikeable’ behaviours.
That assessment was 3 years ago now. Many new problems have risen in our relationship. I am exhausted and absolutely losing my mind.
I have suffered so much trauma trying to support her and her son yet always being accused of not doing it well enough. Despite being the only one who helped her successfully get her son assessed and funding poured on for all types of professional help that he so urgently needed.
I am beyond hurt. There are only a couple of people in my life who understand my pain. My psychologist saw the whole episode and she thinks my gf has trouble seeing outside of her immediate realm of denial.
There are many many many more elements to this story, too many to list right here. I didn’t think I’d write this much, this is the bare minimum really and it’s quite a lot.
These situations redefine complicated and they also paint the step-parent as a monster because the bio parent uses me as a scapegoat. Nothing , I mean nothing is ever good enough. Even though the ASD stepchild situation is beyond exasperating my contributions/support/efforts/progress is never acknowledged. Only my frustrations are judged and judged increasingly harshly.
I’m at the end of my rope