Discipline and step children??

[Kel9]

Ok looking for advice.

Been with my fiancé for 4 years. We both have sons from previous marriages. His is 9 mine is 8. His son only comes on a Saturday but my sons with us 50%.

My son and his son get on really well. I’ve noticed when they are together my sons behaviour changes in that he’s mega hyper very excitable and just wants to show off. My step son is mega quiet and doesn’t speak out at all.

My sons always mucking about with his step dad and doesn’t know when to stop at times or take a telling from him.

My question is... how do you guys discipline step children? Or do you?

I discipline my stepson in the same way I do my DD, it would make for a very complicated life otherwise!

Yes I agree but my step son only comes on a Saturday. I treat them both the same when they are together I think my oh struggles with discipline towards my son. X

I can remember my son being mega active and silly to the point of sometimes being annoying at age eight. There was no nastiness or malice, it was more a case of being over excited. I didn't really think much about it at the time except to tell him to cool it occasionally.

It didn't last, it was a phase. He turned into the most laid back boy you could imagine.

It sounds as though your son is going through a phase. By all means tell him to try to calm down, control himself and stop being embarrassing but if he isn't doing anything really wrong, there isn't much else you can do. If he does go too far and annoys his step dad and everyone else, then come down a bit harder but do remember he is only eight. His problem at the moment is he just doesn't know when enough is enough.

I imagine, if he has something that really absorbs him, your son is much calmer.

It's good the two boys get on well though, be glad of that.

In what ways does he struggle? Do you feel he disciplines too much or too little?

Jessstan I agree I’m hoping it’s a faze!! He’s mega hyper around him and I’m hoping he will get use to us being a unit and chill the hell out lol.

My oh will tell him off but I suppose my wee buy thinks he’s only there to muck about with so I suppose it’s establishing roles in the house.

It sounds natural, Kel, and he will outgrow being like that but do remind him from time to time that everyone is entitled to their own space and that he does go too far (in age appropriate language). He'll hear you and try to reign it in a bit.

Good luck.

If your son is acting up, aren't you stepping in to discipline him?

Yes I do discipline him I take his gadgets off him and send him to his room, but I suppose it’s more for my oh when I’m not there. My oh will tell him off but my son thinks he’s there only to play and muck about with.

I just wondered if anybody had the same with there own children and new partner?

My oh carry’s on with my son all the time he play fights and things but I keep telling my oh that my son doesn’t know when to stop so he needs to step away and make it clear play time is done. My son takes the piss I think but I’m hoping this will pass

I don't discipline my partner's kids. That's his job. If they are playing up I tell him and he sorts it.

Thats what we generally do. I think he struggles sometimes when I’m not there.

Just recently my son was at home with my oh and his son. The boys had sweets and were mega hyper and excitable. (My oh parents came to visit and brought bags of bloody E numbers for them.)

I was out doing the food shop and when I came home my oh looked crabby. I asked what was up and he said that my son was wild and wouldn’t listen he ran about the house laughing and was basically a little shit. (showing off) He was running back and forth to the door and oh opened the door and let him go out and shut the door. It wasn’t locked or anything and he was in the garden... mucking about in the rain in his socks!

I spoken to my son and said he needed to calm down, listen and behave when my oh was looking after him. He apologised to my oh and that was the end of it. A few days later my ex text saying our son said that my oh locks him out the house as punishment... 😱 wtf this was not the case. Gran and grandad were also at the house at the time.

My sons dad hasn’t taking this literally but I told my oh about it and he now feels like he can’t look after my son. Which was his initial reaction.. he’s hurt but needs to understand kids say things sometimes.

Sod’s law this happens as I’ve wrote this post!!

OP, in fairness if I were your OH I also wouldn't want to look after your son alone anymore if he had been caught telling lies that I had been cruel to him. It's just lucky someone else was there to verify that this wasn't true.

It sounds like maybe you need to drum it into your son a bit more that he has to behave for your OH when he's looking after him.

I would only discipline them in an emergency like if I was alone with them and they were doing something that might injure them. But they are well behaved and dp actually parents them so it's never come up.

It’s a difficult situation! I know my son was showing off and if I were there he wouldn’t have escalated to that!

I get why my other half feels like that and I had to tell him what my ex said as he’s my partner. But my son is 8 and doesn’t understand that his actions have consequences. I’ll have a chat with him when he comes tomorrow.

Would you bring it up with your child?

@Kel9

It’s a difficult situation! I know my son was showing off and if I were there he wouldn’t have escalated to that!

I get why my other half feels like that and I had to tell him what my ex said as he’s my partner. But my son is 8 and doesn’t understand that his actions have consequences. I’ll have a chat with him when he comes tomorrow.

Would you bring it up with your child?

I definitely would bring it up with him as it's so important that he isn't reporting untruths about your DP treating him badly. He needs to know that's not acceptable as he could get both your DP and you in big trouble if he tells fibs to the wrong person and they are taken seriously (ie his dad again, or even a teacher).

He is obviously only 8 so doesn't understand the implications but he does need to really. And he does need to understand that your DP is an adult in the house so he needs to listen if he tells him to stop misbehaving and calm down.

Yes I agree. I’ll have a chat with him tomorrow about it.

I’ve told my oh that we will both be taking away electronics from my son if he doesn’t take a telling. The time we have the gadgets depends on his behaviour. We will both do it together so my son will see we are together in this. X

Good plan

This blended family living is not easy.. I wonder if there’s a handbook 😳😂

We had this issue as i would "discipline" my SS as in, no sweets/treats unless he'd eaten a meal.
It was more about having the same rules for when he was with us. My kids devices go off at certain times so when he was with us his had to too.
He was 8 and he would still be on his phone at 2am at his mums. We said 9.30pm maximum and still felt that was late.
This resulted in him not coming again and hasn't been now for 2years and probably messaged us back 5 times he doesn't want anything to do with us as he has no rules at his mums just constant treats and rewards even for bad behaviour.
Unfortunately his mum is bitter and only wanted a child for herself no father involvement other than money so she allowed him and encouraged him to cut contact.

My husband disciplines my children as he treats them like his own and they accept it as they see him as a dad.
We never shout in our house as shouting promotes shouting, we ban the things they like phones/tablets (they are 9 and 13)

Just to add at age 5-8 SS used to come EOW and was really hyper and would scream/squeal at the top of his lungs so we would tell him we know he's excited but he needs to calm down and take 5 and he would scream louder and cry so we could never get anywhere with him as he would then tell his mum and she would tell us we weren't allowed to tell him off 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Kel9

This blended family living is not easy.. I wonder if there’s a handbook 😳😂

My handbook has only one rule - just don't bloody get involved - it's DP's problem! 😂😂

OP does DSS get any one to one time with his dad? He's a quiet lad and the only time he sees his dad is when your son is bouncing around wanting stepdad's attention?

Once a week doesn't seem enough for DSS to feel comfortable in this set up. He might feel like the outsider in this scenario.