SS wants to move in with us..

[whatmorecanwedo]

NC for this as it could be outing.
Before I start I will say that I have absolutely no issues with my stepson moving in with us. We have the space and we have a good relationship so this isn't about me not wanting him to live here.

SS is 13 and there have been ongoing issues at home for some time. He hates his stepfather and the relationship broke down and is past saving. SS told his mum that he doesn't want to live with stepfather anymore. His mums marriage was already rocky and so she made the decision to leave her husband. She has younger children with her husband so this wasn't an easy decision for her and only part of the decision to split.

Things have been hard for her on her own. SS is going through that horrible teenage phase and she can't do anything right, she tries so hard but his attitude to her is disgusting. She struggles financially and he says she should stop being lazy and get a job. It isn't that easy for her with preschoolers and absolutely no support from friends or family. Whenever SS comes here he does nothing but speak disrespectfully of his mum and I always defend her.

He asked this weekend if he can live with us. I don't think this is a good idea for several reasons.
1- it's a complete upheaval, would mean changing schools etc
2- I don't think the issues he has at home would be resolved by being here. He's comparing weekends where we have lots of time for him and fewer rules to midweek where there's school and boundaries are firmer.
3- he can't give us a reason for disliking his mum/home life that gives us concern for him only that he's being a difficult teenager like she doesn't cook food he likes (he likes it but doesn't want it at that time) or she took his PlayStation away as a consequence.

I know him moving here will devastate her she trying so hard to balance everything and is genuinely struggling. SS knows were better off financially and think this is part of his reason for wanting to move here. We help a lot, we pay over the required Maintanence and anything else she ever asks for. We don't buy him random expensive gifts, anything we give him is usually through her so it's not that we're spoiling him but he knows we pay for things, she tells him.

We've tried to mediate between them and all sat down to talk. He'll tell her the problems and she'll share hers and I completely see her perspective in everything but SS can't because of his age and going through that very self centred stage.

She has her faults, she does tend to over promise and then disappoint him. Which upsets him but I try to explain that she genuinely really does intend or want to do the things she says but things come up or change and it's not possible. I've tried to speak to her about not promising him things but she can't see it because she so genuinely means it at the time.

What would you do in this situation? I don't mind him living here but I know she won't want him to. I think we've done all we can to help her there's nothing I can think of that we can do to try and fix this for them.

Due to his age it is what he wants rather than his mother.

So you should give him a trial of him living with you for a month to half a term if he can get to his current school, even if it takes just over an hour one way. (Lots of kids in London and SE travel an hour to/from school.)

Once then find out how he feels at the end of the trial period when he realises the grass isn't greener. (Oddly many kids like firm and consistent boundaries.)

What does his dad think? How much contact would he want to have with her if he was mostly living at yours? How far apart do you live? Do you have other children in your home and if not is he sick of being around younger siblings on his mum’s side?

It sounds like his relationship with her might improve if he saw her less and she was the non resident parent. She’d have the benefits you currently have of more quality time and fewer rules. She’d have to pay maintenance but if she’s on a low income it won’t be much and it might cost her less to do that than to pay for him day to day. She’d lose the child benefit.

If he’s really unhappy and wants to be with his dad and you instead then I think you should give it serious thought. If it’s a one-off reaction to an argument that’s one thing but it sounds like you’ve all discussed it at length and if he still feels that way and is prepared for the changes such as schools and knows it’ll be real life at yours and not just fun and games his dad has an obligation to have him. I’m sure he wants to. Who’d have such an unhappy child and not want to do the right thing by being there for them in the way they need. And of course his mum won’t like it but she sounds like she’s spread herself too thin and isn’t being what he needs right now so the best thing she can do for him is respect his wishes.

We can't do that.. is an hours drive to his school. We both work so couldn't take him and I also have children to take to childcare. My husband leaves for work at 5am so he can't do it. He'd need to get 3 busses to get to school.. he'd have to leave at 6.30.
If it could work that way I'd be happy to trial it but it would definitely involve moving schools so not that simple.

Your DH needs to sit down with him and talk about the real issues here, and make it very clear that he can’t play your family off against his mum’s.

It is his decision where to live if there are genuine issues, but it sounds like he’s behaving like a teenage brat.

I actually don’t agree that he should be given a trial period. I would make it very clear that if he moves in with his dad then that’s it. No going back. He changes schools, gives up all his friends at the old school as he won’t see them any more. Unfortunately children of separated parents do sometimes resort to this and both his parents need to take a hard line on it or he’ll flip-flop between houses every time he doesn’t get his own way.

This is really hard. No appropriate advice in the sense I don't have children that age, but would you be able to fund family therapy? It sounds like he may have gone through a tough time with his stepfather and even though his mother eventually 'chose' him he may feel it took too long, or that her doing so was conditional - eg she left stepfather for him so now he has to behave/live with her forever/etc and acting out is a way of showing some of this resentment. Alternatively it may have nothing to do with that and he's just being a typical arsey teenager, but I think supporting him to have some 1:1 time to talk to someone neutral, and then to also her to get some support and maybe agree strategies you could all follow together could only be helpful. If it was something you could also be involved in that would be good.

Maybe it could be presented to him as a package - that you all need to do x many months therapy first, see if it improves things at home, then a trial living with you. Ideally, I'd suggest starting with 50:50 so he sees the grass isn't always greener (especially if he's comparing weekends with his dad's attention vs what will be mid-week days with his dad leaving the house at 5am) but that sounds logistically impossible.

I don't think the 6.30 am start would rule out a trial necessarily but he would need to be motivated to get up and catch those buses.

I think that you would have to put sone rules in place too, like what time is bedtime, what he's expected to do in the evening, like maybe emptying the dishwasher or setting ther able and doing his homework.

He also needs to see his DM regularly and appreciate that bad mouthing her or being rude to her isn't helping either of them.

Personally, I'd give him a month with a view to swapping schools in the new year.

His dad is on the fence.. part of him wants him to come here because he doesn't want to say no to him but he does also think that he's trying to play the two sides against each other.

We have younger children too, similar ages to his mums other children. He says he prefers his siblings on our side but again it's not really comparable to seeing them at weekends and having them in his face while he's trying to do homework or get ready for school.

His mum has rules he doesn't agree with. His computer has to be off by 8pm and he can only go on it once his homework is complete and checked. I've explained that the same rules would apply here if he lived here but I don't think he can/will see the reality of it here. He seems to think it'll be very different. He looses his PlayStation if he plays up in the morning, this is the centre of a lot of his issues but it would be no different here.

A trial would be ideal if we could make it work but my husband and I both agree that he isn't actually mature/responsible enough to get 3 busses to school every day. And of course it's pitch black at that time in the morning now and we live in a rural area, it just doesn't feel safe to allow him to get busses alone at that time. I could see him onto the first bus, but from them on he'd be alone.

I didn't want to say it as MN gives a lot of stick to stepparents but he absolutely is being a teenage brat who thinks the grass is greener. And whilst I've never had any issues bar some snapping and answering back I'm almost confident that when I'm the one on his case in the morning to get him out to school he'll most certainly use the you're not my mum line, he done it with his stepdad constantly.

If I thought it would solve the problems then I'd be supportive but I really don't see how it will help with the issues he has

How much contact does he have with you at the moment? Could you increase it to give him time with your family and give him and his mum a break from each other? Do you have decent chunks of the school holidays?

Yeh we have him most weekends and majority of the holidays. He only really doesn't come here if he has plans with friends which has not been often lately due to covid. But I also think this is part of the problem.. I've tried to encourage weekends with his mum, especially when her other children are with their dad as I think it would help. We get all the fun times and she gets all the problems. But short of refusing to allow him to come at a weekend there's not much we can do and if we refused to have him one weekend then I don't think that would help either!

I'd get your DH to speak with his DM. Why not trial 50/50 one week with you another with his DM.

As for the 6.30 start, that's the way it is.

I would allow him to move in just so he has a bit of a reality check if nothing else.

He doesn’t sound particularly pleasant imo.
I think the grass is greener, as you have already realised.
A few weeks of you getting him up for school/banning games at bed time/insisting on homework done/assigning chores, and I’m afraid you’ll be the one he’s bad- mouthing at home.
Also, if getting up for school is an issue now, how is he going to manage a much earlier start?

@whatmorecanwedo you sound lovely & really thoughtful.
No doubt he had a hard time with his stepdad but imo he's being a teenage brat who is definitely looking for the life of greatest ease.

I have a lot of experience with teens via my work & this smacks of classic boundary pushing with regards to his mum & then playing you off against her when she doesn't capitulate.
As a mum I would be annoyed & angry if my ex encouraged our child to live with him because my rules were too strict - I know that's not what your dh is doing - but I think your dh saying yes to him will have dss thinking he's won.
As others have said his issues with his mum are more around him not liking her rules than any genuine issue & maybe you guys & she could come up with some sort of plan to call his bluff? For eg a trial period during the holidays that gets treated a bit like school time - early mornings, internet off at a certain time, limited PlayStation etc. so he gets to see that living with you guys will really be no different to living with his mum.

There seems to be no compelling reason so to me this is typical boundary pushing. I would (honestly) be raging if my ExH entertained this. The behaviour is completely expected. It’s in his interest for all adults to resist. Particularly given the upheaval involved in switching things up. He won’t thank you for it now but it’s for the best. That’s how parenting works.

You sound like a completely awesome step mum! I hope a good resolution is found.

Thanks for the replies everyone.
It has given some different perspectives.
I agree with everything everyone's said and I wish we could do a trial to give him some reality but it's not possible.
I think a tough approach is needed.. parenting isn't about making them happy all the time. I think we'll give him another reality check this weekend. Really lay down exactly how it would be if he lived here and say he needs to spend some time with his mum at the weekends to try and build their relationship back up. If that doesn't work then maybe a trial where he does have to catch 3 busses to school. That should make him appreciate his mum and his home more.

You sound just lovely and so caring. He's lucky to have you.

Having read the thread this reads a bit like he's a garden variety stroppy teenager who thinks he can play his Mum/Dad off each other. I don't think a change in contact is a good idea, mainly because he's the issue based on what you've shared. Saying ok come live with us could send him the message that he can behave like this and get 'rewarded' with what he wants. He clearly thinks the grass will be greener with you guys and I suspect you'll soon face the same behavior / bad mouthing levelled at you when you put boundaries in place and it's not how he experiences the weekends (which are naturally more relaxed). Is he going to want to go back to Mum then? Power in the hands of a 13 year old child

I'd say his Dad needs to sit him down and make it clear he is not allowed to speak to / treat his Mum that way. I'm not sure you can expect gratitude from a 13 yr old boy about what you / his mum does for him but he needs to know it's not ok to behave this way and that your DH expects him to change his behavior. This is a good opportunity to teach him about acceptable behavior.

A 13 year old boy might benefit from living with his dad particularly if he has experienced some difficulty in responding to male supervision.
It might also be helpful to let him know that you will be implementing some of the same rules and guidelines that his mom has in place.
Let him know that he may be trading locations but not expectations related to his behavior.

He may be more responsive to accepting guidance from his dad , but he should be then required to spend as much time as possible with this mom.

This can be a great opportunity for him to see that all of the adults are pretty much on the same page as relates to behavioral expectations .

I would get a face to face with mum, you and DH, my feeling is that he’s playing you off.

And I think you sound really supportive of mum, it’s really refreshing to read

Could dad take a week off work and do all the buses with him? Just so he (ss) can see how tedious that routine is. During the week you can implement all the early to bed, homework complete etc.etc rule. Week 2 he will have to do the journey alone
....by week 3 he will probably have an excuse why he needs to stop with mum after school.....

Once he lives with you I assume his mum will lose the maintenance your dh currently pays her so she's likely to be more financially stretched as well - so you'd want to make sure he doesn't use that against her too when he does visit.
The step father issue may have permanently negatively affected his relationship with his mum. Is she likely to reconcile with her other children's fat er if dSS moves out?
If it wasn't for the school thing I'd say trial it but if you can somehow get him to school a trial of real life at your house might help him realise if he moves there will still be rules.

I think he probably feels she should have split with her husband sooner and this is leading to a lot of anger.

Could they have family therapy to work through this before any decision is made? At his age a move will only get harder though if he would need to change schools. Good luck.

I would give him a trial of living with you. Be very clear with him that the 6.30 start and the buses are part of the deal. Can your DH take leave for a week to start it off? Or even negotiate a later start for a week or two?

Then make sure that your DH is absolutely not playing the Disney Dad during that time so that your SS gets a good view of what life is really like.

I also think he should be encouraged to spend at least one weekend a month with his Mum. Her doing all the grunt work and getting none of the downtime won't help their relationship whatsoever.

This sounds like such a tricky situation, so sorry. But you sound like a brilliant SM, so respectful to everyone's needs.

Is he willing to change school? Does he understand the journey involved to go to his current school from your house?

One of the things that stood out was him saying he prefers the siblings on his paternal side to the ones on his other half siblings.

If the school issue could be overcome, perhaps him living with you guys isn't a bad idea. He's getting a bit older and seeing his dad more and his dad doing more parenting may be good for everyone.

He's had a Stepdad he didn't like and perhaps he wants to live with a man who is his dad full time...with weekends or EOW with his mum.

I know it seems about rules, but often with kids, there's so much more that they can't explain or articulate.