Stepmum sent DD texts which were rude about me

[pasanda]

DD16 has just come out of isolation. She had been to see her friend for one hour, whose brother was then found to be positive. It meant she missed college but never had any symptoms so we never got her tested (as per government guidelines)

DD's stepmum thought she should have a test and sent her a series of texts on day 5 of her isolation saying things such as 'your mum is dumb'. 'Your mum is like an ostrich with her head in the sand, like so many others, like a crab' . It's a pandemic ffs I will take you for a test' 'your mother lives in a bubble' 'omg it's not mums life, it's yours'
Now I have since learnt that she was drunk at the time (8pm ish) but as time has gone on - it's now 2 weeks later - I have found myself becoming more and more angry. I didn't say anything at the time because DD asked me not to as she doesn't want there to be any consequences or atmosphere in future visits to her dads. However, today I wrote an email to the stepmum quite clearly telling her how out of order she had been. I will not send it because I don't want to rock the boat, (and it was a bit ranty but made me feel better at the time!) but do you think this is being weak, not to send it? do you think I should make my feelings known now, two weeks later?

Or should I just laugh about it (like we did at the time) and move on?

I hasten to add I did make it clear in the email that if the stepmum ever told DD I had sent it I would not be happy seeing as dd didn't want me to.

Your DD has asked you not to do for that reason I wouldn't.

She sounds like a complete loon but it seems your DD has the measure of her.

like an ostrich AND a crab?

I'd be laughing my head off.

You can't expect this woman to keep quiet about the email though, so sending it is a bad plan.

Delete the email, don't get drunk and send it! It's too late now just let it go all she's done is let your daughter see what an idiot she is, take the high road!

🖐🏻 There’s a piece of paper in this hand (it’s invisible) which officially grants you the moral high ground.
She sounds as mad as a box of frogs. As others have said, a person with this level of discretion and righteousness is going to properly milk any engagement you partake in for all its worth.
Print out the email then burn it.
It’s surprisingly cathartic.

Yes be the bigger person and ignore, otherwise your DD won’t tell you if there’s a next time.

Don't send it. Laugh and move on.

It took drunk texting to a new embarrassing level - accusing you (who was correctly following the guidelines) of being in the wrong. Hopefully she's sobered up and is feeling an idiot.

I’d have probably called her at the time and told her in no uncertain terms to butt out but that ship has sailed. It’s a bit petty to send an email weeks later.

Did DD’s friend get a positive test after her brother? If she did I’d be pretty pissed of in DD’s stepmoms position too, if she’d been over there.

I think it’s disgraceful that direct contacts of positive cases are not automatically offered a test. They could have spread it themselves before isolating.

I only got DS tested as his brother was positive (no symptoms for either) after contact with someone else who was positive. Really didn’t expect them to be. If I hadn’t DS’s year group wouldn’t have isolated and 60 children would have potentially been spreading it further into the community!

I think writing the email to get your feelings out and vent a bit, but then NOT sending it is
absolutely the best thing to do. It’s much nicer up there on the moral high ground and you are showing your daughter how to be the bigger person and rise above petty insults that really aren’t worth your time or attention. (But make sure you delete it, just in case!)

Thank you! I needed to see these replies. I haven't pressed send and I won't send it. I have however printed it out to look at in future if necessary.

She is truly batshit and for some reason has a huge chip on her shoulder about me. Not sure why but today I just saw red about it but I agree that ship has sailed and it would be petty to send it now.

Shirty- friend never got any symptoms so didn't test but both parents tested positive a few days after the brother. DD did not go out at all during her 14 day isolation so has not spread anything to anybody and has never had any symptoms. The friends whole family isolated for 2 weeks too.

I'm a step mother and I do have thoughts about my kids' mom that I never share with them. Basically parents of any sorts should never back stab each other. It's bad for the kids, it's bad for everyone. I would be pissed if off somebody went talking shit behind my back to my own children. You are very mature to deal with that, I think I'd just lose it.

When did your DD see her friend and where are you? Was this allowed at the time?

Not that the texts are ok they really are completely inappropriate but I'm wondering if she is worried you aren't taking lockdown seriously?

She saw her friend on Monday 2nd November. We got a call from T&T on Thursday 5th and she isolated until the 16th. We are in the lowest tier.

The only thing I would have wanted in this situation if I was you, is wished that my DD replied the texts and told her SM that my mum isn't dumb and we're following the rules, about the texts so don't send any more messages like that about my mum to me again.

What would your Ex have thought of these messages his wife sent?

Your DD was isolating and no danger to her...so why the crazy texting...I hate alcohol being used as an excuse.

Bizarre behaviour from the SM and totally unacceptable to criticise you like that. But I’d be more worried about the harassment of your DD. Can DD just block her number now?

DD was in the room with me when the texts were coming in and was asking me what to put so we went along the lines of 'i can't get there' 'mum doesn't think I need one' and when the mum is dumb comments were sent 'yh I got that you don't need to keep saying it'. After DD wrote that she stopped.
Dad then saw the chat (it was a WhatsApp group chat between the three of them) he apologised on stepmums behalf and told her she was drunk.

Next day dd got an apology along the lines of 'sorry I was all parenty last night it's just I'm terribly anxious about the virus' and a few days later sent her a packet of Percy Pigs

No apology about what she said about me but then again I would never expect this from her!

Why does your DD need to be in a WhatsApp group with her?

It’s completely inappropriate for a grown woman to get drunk and rant at at teenager like that. Your DD doesn’t need that kind of intrusion and harassment.

I totally agree. They have had this WhatsApp group for years apparently. It's called 'squad'

Stepmum has been inappropriate many times before and I am sure it has caused dd no end of mental health problems

But she is 16 now and maintains the status quo because she wants it to be okay when she sees her dad.

I have always kept quiet about it all at dd's request but my ranty email yesterday was because I'm now wondering if I have done dd a disservice and should have called stepmum out on it years ago.

All a bit of a mess really.

Wow. Shame her dad chooses to enable behaviour that’s bad for his daughter. I can see your dilemma about calling it out though.

Thanks maridian. It's been a dilemma for years tbh.

I'm a stepmum and have many, many things I think and vent to DH about their mum to him about. The things that woman has done, her and your SM sound like two crazy peas in a pod.
But. I don't. Because I am an adult and the only person who really suffers is the kids.
(Don't see anything wrong with the whatsapp chat though?)

Thanks scrappy. The WhatsApp thing has been around for ages so that's totally fine tbh.

I'm glad I didnt send it. DD has gone over to theirs tonight for the first time since May. And seems pretty happy about it. It would have caused a lot of tension if I had pressed send!!

I can only hope that this time they don't all get drunk together and dd then has to listen to stepmum ranting about me again - for 5 hours ! That's what happened last time and it ended in tears.

It sounds so bloody disfunctional when I write it down but this is the reality of having her as a stepmum and a dad who is oblivious half the time.