Can I use this space to be honest for a moment? Feelings are changing recently and not for the better.

[InAPickle17]

Quick background. 2 DSC, recently had a child of my own.

I have always had a very pleasant relationship with my step children. I still do in many ways.

But I need to just open up a bit, I'll expect some flaming, but I'm hoping posters can see that I am genuinely struggling and don't want to feel this way.

Recently my feelings about this whole set up are beginning to change. I don't know if this is my new normal or whether it's partly hormonal from becoming a mother myself.

But I'm finding myself wishing more and more that my husband didn't already have children. I find myself getting sad at the thought that my child's life will now also be dictated by exes and step children and everything that comes with a blended family. I find myself worrying that I will constantly need to defend my child's right to X or Y. And to be perfectly honest I just undoubtedly prefer the times when it's just me, DH and our DC here. I wish it could be like this all of the time.

Now I know it's me. I know it's wrong, really I do. I am saddened at myself for feeling this way and I don't know where it's come from. I knew all this before, I was happy. I don't want to feel resentful. But I do find myself being secretly disappointed when DSC are due to come round, looking forward to them going back to mum's etc...

I could be wrong, and I hope to god I am not, but I don't think the children are aware of this change in my feelings. We still have a good relationship, they still come to me with things and talk to me like they always have. I really do like to believe they feel welcome here and that practically I am a good step mum to them.

These thoughts are selfish, I understand. But what do I do? Genuinely if I'd have felt like this before I would have removed myself. I wouldn't have added to the family, I would have found someone able to give me what it is I now wish I had, a husband who doesn't share children with someone else as well. But its of course too late for that now.

There are a few issues which I think contribute to this. The main one being that the contact is so sporadic. It changes week to week, I feel dizzy at how often it changes. I feel like my life is just a constant are they coming are they not, never knowing from one day to the next. I just got on with it before but now it bugs me.

I also feel like my husband, not overcompensates but perhaps tries to treat my DSC 'best' when they are here if that makes sense? One thing that's been getting to me is bedrooms. He made sure my DSC had the best bedroom, kitted it all out, looks fab. But he doesn't seem to be bothered at all about our child's room or where that will even be (when he's ready for a room, we will have to jig some stuff around). I don't for a second want to take anyone's room away or expect my DSC to have less. But I feel like my DC is not going to have 'as much' if that makes sense? I want to discuss where his space will be in our house when he eventually needs it but it's just constantly batted off as not important or suggested he can just stay in our room for X number of years. I just want him to want the same for DSC and our DC if that makes sense? I want him to want to make a nice space for our DC like he wanted to do for DSC.

I'm rambling I know but I feel like I can't be honest with anyone. How do I stop going down this rabbit hole? Can I even? Why have these feelings suddenly manifested when they weren't there before?

I just don't know what to do.

Your feelings are very common, justified and perfectly normal, your hormones will be intensifying them though.

You cant force him to want the same for your DC but you may find that once baby is here his attitude changes and he starts to plan. It won't be easy for him as he is going to have to accept changes and changes for his existing DC and that won't be easy for him.

With regards to schedule constant changes aren't fair and some SC wouldn't cope with that either. What are the reasons behind d the changes? Have you discussed with your OH how they affect you and what can be done? Your comfort, needs and wants are just as important as anyone else's don't let anyone tell you otherwise

What ages and sex are the SC? This will have a bearing on suggestions people can offer

You sound like your baby is very young, the feeling will probably pass if you had good relationships before. Being a new mum is really overwhelming and your feelings are normal.

Regarding the bedroom, I never bothered with rooms for my babies, they were in with us and I made their room nice when they were old enough to appreciate it. What did your DH do when his eldest children were babies? If you want to start getting a bedroom ready, tell him.

What's the reason for the chaotic contact? Not much you can do if it's due to shift work, but if the parents are just a bit chaotic you could talk about having a regular pattern.

Don't beat yourself up, in a year when they are (hopefully) entertaining your toddler you will probably feel more positive about things.

He made sure my DSC had the best bedroom, kitted it all out, looks fab. But he doesn't seem to be bothered at all about our child's room or where that will even be (when he's ready for a room, we will have to jig some stuff around). I don't for a second want to take anyone's room away or expect my DSC to have less. But I feel like my DC is not going to have 'as much' if that makes sense? I want to discuss where his space will be in our house when he eventually needs it but it's just constantly batted off as not important or suggested he can just stay in our room for X number of years. I just want him to want the same for DSC and our DC if that makes sense? I want him to want to make a nice space for our DC like he wanted to do for DSC.

Have you spoken to him about all of this?

Thank you! You've made me feel less wicked anyway.

Baby is young yes. It's not that I want or need a space for then right now. I appreciate there isn't a need for it right this second. However, due to the house we have at the moment, when this time comes it will mean a bit of a change around i.e. splitting a bedroom, all 3 sharing, or my DH looking into doing a conversion in the attic. He just never seems bothered about discussing it though. He was all for the attic conversion at first and then that got put off because it turned out to be trickier than he thought due to some issues. So the only other option is to work the DSCs bedroom into space for all of them. But I can just tell he doesn't like that idea and keeps brushing it away and suggesting our DC just stay in with us until we get a bigger house (which will not be for a number of years). I do not think that is fair. Not for our DC or us! I want them to have space for their things and for us to have our privacy. The second bedroom is big enough to split but it wouldn't be as 'good' for the DSC so I feel like he'll be reluctant to do it when the time comes, not caring that it means our DC won't have space in his own house.

I just can't shake the feeling like I wish I didn't have to think about these things and could just be a nuclear family me, DH and our DC.

It doesn't help when you read things on here and it seems resident children aren't allowed anything for themselves. I really worry that our DC is going to be forgotten about in favour of not upsetting DSC etc... Of course I can't tell the future I know. It just worries me.

I feel like DH just cares and is invested so much more when DSC aren't here if that makes sense?

Also sorry to answer questions. All are boys, DSC are just over and just under 10.

I've tried to speak to him. I've said that I do not want our child having no space in our home just do that DSC can keep a huge bedroom to themselves if there is no way he can do the extension he initially wanted to do. It just sort of gets brushed away like 'yes yes, don't have to worry about it yet, worst comes to worst he stays in with us for X long'.

I can completely emphasize! DD arrived when my DSC's were 12 & 13, so similarish ages.
It's really hard to feel your precious baby is not as important to your partner as they are to you - I struggled with this too. DD was my one and only, but for DH she was no. 3. She was still new and exciting but he's already done all the firsts and seconds with his older kids. I knew this would how it would be, but it doesn't stop you feeling a bit regretful.
Things do change over time and the over compensation you do have to take with a pinch of salt! My DH missed his kids not being around all the time. He never got used to part time parenting.
DD had the smallest bedroom for ages but when DSD left for uni I insisted that DD move bedroom and take the bigger one. DH wasn't delighted at this but did agree there was little sense in having the only resident child squashed into the box room. I think he would have quite happily kept the big kids room 'theirs' forever.
It's a tricky line - I always want the older kids to feel this is their home and they are welcome, but that doesn't mean things can't change. They are both properly moved out and in their own homes now. They were asked/told about the rooms before we did it and were fine about it. They're too reasonable to think they should keep exclusive use of certain rooms.

I think you need to put your foot down and say you want to put a plan in place for bedrooms now. Cite an age you want your DC to be in their own room by. I wanted to put DD in her own room by 1, and I wouldn't have entertained just keeping her in with us longer so as not to have to think about it, it has a massive impact on your life. I didn't want to be tiptoeing around and avoiding having sex for years, and I wanted to begin encouraging independence.

I completely sympathise with how you feel, I was very clear with my partner that I didn't want any whiff of this dynamic before I even got pregnant, though I do generally have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about the age old "you're not as bothered when it's your second child" mantra, probably a hangover from being a second child myself! I wasn't prepared to put up with any of this type of attitude.

The best case scenario is your partner is only acting the way he is because he's just developed a casual attitude towards the baby stage through experience or is used to the idea of baby staying in with parents for a long time, but I would be honest with him about your feelings and not beat yourself up for them, it doesn't sound like he's doing much to prevent you from feeling this way and he owes you some reassurance.

I want him to want to make a nice space for our DC like he wanted to do for DSC
There it is right there. My DS was happily and contentedly in his own room at 6 months, that is his safe place to roll about and play, where we store most of his toys and other bits. The “baby won’t need their own room for years argument” never really washes with me.
Why should a child have no space in his one and only home to allow his sibling to have the best of two homes? It’s a million miles away from “equal” or “fair” and YANBU to feel that what your baby needs is just as important as his siblings, perhaps even more so as he has only 2 adults to provide it.

I agree with everything @Youseethethingis says.

Madness that the one child who is there full time is also the only one not to have their own room. Even if they are not in their room sleeping, where's all it's 'stuff' going to go?? Just in your room?

I'm pregnant for the first (and probably only) time OP. DH has 4 children, I love them very much and we have a good relationship, especially the younger two. I feel like I could have written your post. It's like it's suddenly dawned on me that my baby will never have the atypical setup. I see photos on social media of my friends with a man with no kids and their first baby and I just think how lucky and simple it seems.

What helps me is to think our child will have the best of both worlds. They have the siblings to grow up with, learn from and be spoilt by, but then the rest of the time they get to be an only child and the focus of you and DH completely!

DH's ex can be as big or as small a part of your life as you allow her. Easier said then done. Ours is very very very toxic and since I've found out I'm pregnant I've made a conscious effort to just disengage completely from her. I don't want to hear about her, I don't want to see her.
I get the 'not as special' thing too. This will be DH's 5th child! And that isn't lost on me. But I guess if we asked any parent of multiple children if it felt less special/loved the later kids less of course they would say no. Try and think of the firsts you and DH have had that he hasn't had before. (A happy marriage for one? )

You are not wicked at all and there needs to be more get up and go from your DH to reassure you at this vulnerable time in your life.

Congratulations on your baby

I feel exactly the same way...

I worry that my baby is being treated as a second child and all the exciting things and moments that come with the first my partner and his family don't get with my baby boy, it's so saddening to me.

I also didnt think I would feel this way, feelings have changed completely and I find them hard to control and hard to hide, I spend a lot of time having private crying moments as I'm always either feeling resentment, sadness or guilt.

I chose not to have a baby with DH. There were many reasons for this, but I was acutely aware that DH, who had the best intentions, had complete tunnel vision when it came to DSS, and his sole focus was ensuring life revolved around him EOW. If we’d had a baby, I suspect he/she would always be in DSS’s shadow.

I really feel for you... I don't think partners take into account the woman's feeling for the first bio children is so intense when they have only previously had SC (not to diminish that relationship at all)

Long Story coming up but hopefully may help..

I was a SM for 5 years before I became a mum and I was very over protective of my child not being 4th best behind the other 3. We had a 3 bed house when he was born, 2 SS shared the double and SD had the box room. I was so obsessed with doing nursery for my baby that it took over my emotions and I got really depressed that I wouldn't be able to feel the joy of creating a painting a nursery, I accepted it and that the baby would be with us for a Year etc but I still couldn't let go.
After a long crying chat my partner finally understood and he said we could turn the small box room into a nursery for when my child and SS shared... now (ready for the Insults) this meant changes my SD bed from standard single into a jay b folder away bed. So that on could be bright down when she stayed EOW. So that happened and I loved doing the nursery. Our son was born and he stayed with us in our room and 6 months in I actually started to feel bad that SD WAS pushed out of her Space so ok my own I set the room back to how it was and I took down my sons big cot and changed table etc as we never used them I got her. I set her room all up and said it would stay that way till we moved the next year (bigger more bedrooms) and things have been fine,
Bottom line it's fine to feel the way you do... looking back I was unrealistic and a little selfish but I needed to do that to feel like a mum so don't feel you have to apologise for doing certain things xx

I don't think anyone should judge you. This is why I wouldnt have more children with a second partner. Its so complicated and difficult to find the 'right' answer.
I think push to get a third bedroom sorted, however that's done, as hopefully that will settle things a little.
The lack of routine with the dsc is probably your biggest challenge. I know what this is like and can only imagine how hard it must be when you have a child of your own as routine really is best all round.

Your DC might miss out on somethings because of the SC but he also has two big brothers which can be a very positive thing. I have 4, 2 from first marriage and 2 from 2nd. The little two adored the older ones and the older ones were brilliant with them, then due to the age gap it sort of reversed and the two younger ones were the idolised older kids for the GC.

With children and GC it now spreads from under 10s, teens, 20s, 30s 40s and almost a 50. It works brilliantly for my family and I hope it can for yours.

I can see the bedroom is an issue and it will need to be addressed but I think if you also acknowledge the positives it will help.

The little two adored the older ones and the older ones were brilliant with them, then due to the age gap it sort of reversed and the two younger ones were the idolised older kids for the GC.
That’s absolutely lovely, you must be so proud of your family

The problem here is your DH’s attitude. It’s absolutely not on that he’s making you feel like your baby matters less. You’ve been so apologetic about everything in your post, but actually most people would feel the same here. And it’s because he’s not thinking about you and how you can feel about your new motherhood.

It doesn’t matter if it’s someone’s 2nd, 3rd or 57th baby; it’s your only baby and that’s special. He should recognise that and not be all ‘well, I’ve had kids before’. It’s not fair to make it less special for you.

It’s also not fair to just palm off your concerns that the baby won’t have a space in the house he lives in all the time. It’s just not ok for him to stay in which you indefinitely (with a timeframe of years) while other bedrooms are beautifully presented and often empty. He’ll know that he matters less to his father and it will affect him.

You totally wouldn’t be feeling like this if your husband would recognise and attend to your needs, and make a concrete plan that accommodates everyone.

I am in exactly the same situation and to be honest your comments are nicer I got absolutely torn apart from people on here who said it was selfish of me to want my son to have the bedroom instead of my DSD.

I understand the feeling of wanting it to just be you guys that too is completely natural I couldn't take my DSD coming here ruling the house just to make her happy because my partner doesn't want her to be uncomfortable what she says goes.

So I changed that around but to be honest since my little boy has turned 3 months old and watches his little sister and laughs and coos with her it's very sweet.

I took control of the situation and I stopped waiting for my partner to take control of the situation I have set firm boundaries with my DSD and she understands that the room is hers for now until my son goes in there and then she is in the front room.

Enjoy your baby and worry less about your step children as horrible as that sounds they have there mother and father and you but your child only has you so focus on your new baby and the other children will have to blend in with YOUR routine and wants and needs your the adult and don't let people rip you apart for natural feelings you have every right x

I was in the exact same position as you. When i didn't have my own little one I was happy to accommodate (for the most part) all the swapping and changing. However when my little one arrived I had all the same feelings as you. It's hard because it is your first child and so many of your firsts are taken away from you. Also mixed with all the bloody hormones. It is extremely difficult. It did get better and there are still challenges for sure. My only advice is to talk to your partner. Explain how you feel. Choose your words carefully of course as even with the best of intentions it can be a sensitive topic. You are not being selfish. Your feelings are your feelings. Having a child is life changing and the first few months are so challenging but for me and I hope for you it gets easier. I think new moms need as much care as new babies and a for new mom who has step children it can be even rougher. For me I asked for what I needed and it took a while before i was understood but my partner is very good at trying to understand. I also had to be reasonable too. I think if you genuinely both try to put yourself in the other persons shoes and you really think of all people involved then you can work to make the situation good for all involved. Its an adjustment for the step children too and I always tried to keep that in mind. It's all compromise but you should not in my opinion be the only one who has to compromise.
I'm really glad your wrote that post. It was brave and honest and it resonated with me so much. I hope you and your little one are doing well and don't be so hard on yourself.
Last comment on this is I always bring it back to the man I fell in love with was the man he is because of his Children. He is an amazing dad and it was one of the things I loved about him.

I am also really grateful for this post, I feel the exact same way and have posted on another thread titled 'feel like I'm missing out'

You are right @yogamom2020 we shouldn't be the only ones that compromise but it does seem that way, we definitely have to compromise more. I also have to keep reminding myself, it was seeing him as a great dad that made me fall in love with him but like OP I just didn't see these new feelings / emotions coming! I know though that it will all come together in time x

@harryclr same problem different reaction. I hope these posts make you feel a bit better.

Op. How recently did you have your baby?

It won't be appropriate for 2 teenage boys to share a bedroom with a 3- or 4-year-old, so something needs to be done. I think your DH is trying to 'buy' his DC's affection, and you need to advocate for your DS since it seems your DH has put him at the bottom of the pile.

I had a very similar experience and, in hindsight, I think it’s part of a huge adjustment period.

DP and I started seeing each other shortly before DSS was born (they split when ex was pregnant) so I saw what an effort he made to be a good dad. This was tough for both of us at times. DP wasn’t like this when our own child was born a couple of years later and I felt so hurt and let down. He prioritised DSS over both me and DD. It led to a lot of rows and I really didn’t think we’d come through the other side but we have.

We still have things to deal with ie toxic ex but our communication on feelings is so much better...he was very defensive when I told him how I felt when DD was young. I think it took him time to bond with his new child as well.

A website called stepmomming really helped me. It talks about a grieving period too regarding step parent as there’s a realisation that life isn’t going to be how you anticipated...no one ever grows up wanting to be a step parent and I don’t think people (including partners and family) appreciate how tough it is.

I personally just sort of stood my ground and took control a bit. I did DD bedroom without him. I shouldn’t have had to but it was the only way it was going to get done. Looking back, I feel sorry for him as he missed out on so much when DD was little but I think he just wasn’t coping with the change in our family dynamic.