Sorry this is so much longer than I thought it was going to be! If you can bear the long read any advice would be really appreciated.
My husband and I live with his DD, my DSD 9. There is a court order which states she sees her mum EOW. Recently circumstances have changed which means mum can logistically spend more time with her and DH keeps trying to sort out a new schedule that allows for this.
However, her mum has avoided all these conversations. Instead she will randomly tell DSD that she can stay at hers with no notice to my DH. This means we have to change our plans, or if she has after school clubs or homework due the next day that its probably not a great idea, making my DH always look like the bad guy.
It doesn't sound too extreme but my DSD has twice told me in tears that hearing different things from either parent really upsets her. DSD says her mum says she can go over whenever but dad will sometimes say no so she doesn't know who to believe. We have tried telling her it takes time to organise changes to the schedule, especially when her mum tries to make all the arrangements through DSD and not my DH. My DH has asked her mum numerous times to stop doing this as it upsets his DD, but her mum just keeps doing it. Is there anything we can do to help the situation?
We're thinking about mediation to sort out a new schedule but at the moment her mum is in full on charm-mode (no bedtime, no limits on screen time, no need to have showers or even leave her bedroom) whilst we have to make sure she's at school on time, does homework, stays clean and doesn't spend all day in her room on her phone and spends some time with her family. I guess I'm worried my DSD will say she wants to spend all her time with her mum because there are no rules there.