Is it possible to not have a relationship with older SC?

[MrsKingfisher]

Without it having a detrimental effect on your marriage? If so how?

Dsd is now 17, have known her since she was 3. I'm polite to her I always ask dh how she is etc, however due to massive backstory I don't want a relationship with her, she prefers to stay at her mums now as she's at a local college, friends etc although we are only 30 mins away from her mums.

Dh can bring her home any time he likes and I am friendly but then make myself scarce or pop out until she's gone.

Dh wants the happy family but I don't see that ever happening and I want a quiet life. I am really happy he has a good relationship with her but I feel like he forces her on me and I can't stand it.

Is it possible to have no relationship with a sc and keep things happy within a marriage?

Yes 100% it is, disengage and focus on your marriage

Bluntly. Your problem is your DH and the question of whether the marriage can sustain you placing boundaries around your relationship with your SC seems to land squarely with him.

You are well within your rights to boundary yourself. He’s minimising your experience and basically trying to say you are the problem (when he uses language like how you are perceiving things). That language (roughly translated) means, this is a problem you’re making up.

When the cold hard reality is that the problem lies fully with how this adult child has acted. And how is is subsequently handling it. He can’t handle it robustly so basically wants you to play nicely so this everything goes back to being ‘ok’.

He won’t stop forcing the issue, sorry to say.
And I’m pretty sure that if you look back, this behaviour has probably persisted (at some level) throughout your marriage regarding his daughter.

@Magda72 may get strident about piss poor parenting (I’m with her every step of the way on that). But I get strident about partners who basically take their problems and land them at the partners door to resolve. Deeply selfish and myopic behaviour.

So in summary? I’m sure your marriage would be fine, if your husband actually started to parent and protect you. It’s completely unacceptable that you are being asked to play nicely, without so much as an explanation/ apology.

It sounds like you had written her off at 7 year olds I have a 7 year old and I cant fathom someone being so dismissive of she was still a child and it was up to her father to sort her behaviour out that was down to you're dh. She is a productive of her own environment. I suspect there's alot more to her behaviour and it would be interested to see her pov. Teenagers can be challenges but I think its unfair to write her off or expect to ignore her longterm. What happens when she gets married or has children of her own. Have you thought about counselling?

OP has mainly mentioned behaviours that are much more recent than that and even ongoing.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to limit contact with someone who has hurt you and stolen from you. I can understand why you would want to maintain someone space given it sounds like the relationship with your DSD has been quite difficult.

sounds like your DSD is having a really difficult time or hard been having a difficult time since she is 7. The conflict can’t be nice for her either so maybe some space would be good for her too.

Im not sure the current strategy will be effective long term though. Is it not awkward having to stay out the way when she comes over? Does she know that’s what’s happening or do you just head out whenever she comes over?

Are you hoping that feelings soften over time and things get easier as she gets older?

@MrsKingfisher

I'm sorry, that does sound difficult. You say 18 months ago? That would make your stepdaughter around 15?

Honestly, I don't know if I would want a relationship after what you describe. But I wouldn't expect my relationship with DH to be unaffected by my decision (and I hope that after being in a child's life for so long that I'd love them and want to help them work through whatever issues they were going through... 15 year olds don't usually steal or attack people unless there is something deeper going on).

You say you've had problems with your stepdaughter since she was 7? If that's the case she is clearly a troubled girl who needs support. If you can't help provide that, fine. But her dad should rightly put her first which includes making sure she feels welcome when she visits.

You are being way more tolerant and understanding than l would be OP. Let’s imagine if the situation were reversed. People would be shouting for the police, social services involvement, the relationship being ended etc. The fact she didn’t apologise and it wasn’t made clear this wasn’t acceptable is very telling. Yes, SD’s parents split up but so do lots people’s parents, mine included. Your partner needs to open his eyes and not have unrealistic expectations of you

I think you're doing well being polite and friendly to someone who physically assaulted you and stole from you.

I understand that children can be affected by their parents separation. But you say you've been with her dad since she was 3. That to me means it's absolutely not an excuse for behaviour over a decade later.

I think you're fine.

I’m another one in the ‘polite and detached’ club.

DSD is also a product of her environment - her parents failing her (as I see it - not everyone will agree). DSD has done little more than mooch about in her PJs shopping and watching movies for 5 years. No GCSEs. If you ask her to pop down the road for a pint of milk she’ll accuse you of threatening her. Complains of having to walk a mile to be taken out for dinner.

She turns 20 next year. This is a failure of her parents and now (to a lesser extent, given the lack of life skills) on her. It’s a DP problem.

Does it impact our relationship? Yes. As he continues to effectively sanction this behaviour she is only welcome for short periods in my home (although she is definitely welcome, I just don’t feel ‘involved’ with her).

We seem to plod along, but we are not able to combine finances as I keep myself protected by keeping home and finances separate.

If she sought to live with DP full time or if something happened to her mum - DP would need to move out. He knows and understands it.

At the moment though she's self centred, disrespectful and entitled

Like many teenagers?

None of the behaviours you’ve described sound like the kind of thing that an adult cuts off a child for.

You’re making your husband choose you over his child effectively.

@HadaVerde I didn’t read where OP is asking him to cut his daughter off?

More that OP feels it’s a bit much to expect to be happy families in thee circs.

Which is completely fair enough. This is an example of not being on the same page with expectations of children around basic respect etc.

Completely not about cutting anyone off.

LatentPhase thats your interpretation.

She is putting her husband in an impossible situation.

OP has mainly mentioned behaviours that are much more recent than that and even ongoing.

That's because she didn't receive effective parenting and discipline at the age of 7, so her poor behaviour has continued.

At 7 years old a parent should easily be able to put a 7 year old in place when they are out of line.

She is putting her husband in an impossible situation.
@HadaVerde - no she's not!
Her husband is putting HER in an impossible situation due to his negligent parenting and his expectation that op should validate his daughter's dreadful behaviour by ignoring the lack of discussion & apology!

Good lord! OP, are you crazy? After stealing, offensive language and especially physical abuse I wouldn't let her anywhere near my house. Why on earth are you pleasant and polite with her? If her father tolerated this behavior and moreover tried to justify it I would quit this relationship. If you see some reason to continue living with her father than I would absolutely insist on making sure you won't have to see her at all

I think that after the way she has treated you then you are justified in pulling away in this situation.

Your husband needs to understand that you are entitled to this and to respect your boundaries.