Is it possible to not have a relationship with older SC?

[MrsKingfisher]

Without it having a detrimental effect on your marriage? If so how?

Dsd is now 17, have known her since she was 3. I'm polite to her I always ask dh how she is etc, however due to massive backstory I don't want a relationship with her, she prefers to stay at her mums now as she's at a local college, friends etc although we are only 30 mins away from her mums.

Dh can bring her home any time he likes and I am friendly but then make myself scarce or pop out until she's gone.

Dh wants the happy family but I don't see that ever happening and I want a quiet life. I am really happy he has a good relationship with her but I feel like he forces her on me and I can't stand it.

Is it possible to have no relationship with a sc and keep things happy within a marriage?

If she is 17 so likely moving out soon and you are happy for her to come over and be polite to her then I don't see why this needs to be an issue. As she becomes an adult she will spend less and less time with you both anyway.

You should be able too.

But in reality it’s going to be hard. What about when she has children and your dh wants them at your house maybe over night stays.

Tbh it’s an awful situation all round. My eldest is 25 and she is always here. I know when she has children they will have a room here too. Christmas Days my kids and their kids will be here as we have a house with lots of room.

So it must be hard on your dh too not to be able to have that closeness with his dd and possible children.

I totally get where your coming from but I get where he is coming from too. The two most important people in his life can’t be in the same room as each other.

My mum does. She met her now husband when I was 16 and I had literally just moved out.
I have no relationship with him other than the pleasantries. It hasn't affected their marriage.

My dad's wife is similar. He has been married to her since I was 11. I don't have a separate relationship with her. I do find it a bit odd that now they are both retired that he has me on speaker for every phone call, so she can hear the conversation. He also brings her along whenever we meet up - which is not something he did when they were working. She is perfectly pleasant, but she is very different from me so other than politics we don't have much in common.

I should add I am not very close to either parent. So perhaps that helps their dynamic?

I’m not that close to my eldest dss. But we have his children round lots.

My step mum used leave the room when I came to visit from childhood until I was in my 30s and it made me feel so unwelcome in my dads home. A child should feel at home in both their parents houses and it’s unfair to the child to be made to feel constantly like an unwanted guest. Believe me we pick up on it. It really has affected my relationship with my dad. You don’t stop needing a parent at 17 or even 21

You knew he had kids when you got involved so you agreed to have them in your life. Tough shit

Dh and I have never argued about anything apart from his daughter. Too much to go into I have threads on here, some name changed though for privacy but needless to say I have put up with an awful lot of abuse from dsd since she turned 7. Then there's theft of my belongings and her being physical with me a 18 months ago. So much detail but because of the years I've put up with dhs shit parenting and her sense of entitlement growing with each year I really struggle to be anywhere near her.

I worry it'll have a negative effect on dh and I, he understands but thinks I should forget and be a happy family.

He thinks I should trust her he thinks she won't behave the way she did a year ago but I have seen nothing that tells me there's been a change. This is a really emotive subject for me I feel very alone at the moment. I'm fed up of having to fight my corner.

@Stinkywizzleteets was there a reason your step mum disliked you?

I think it will effect both your relationship and the relationship between your dh and his daughter.

Would she feel comfortable in your home? What if she has children, do they lose out on a close relationship with their grandad?

I know I couldn't be with someone who didn't want a relationship with my child... even if they were an adult.

@Milkshake7489

I think it will effect both your relationship and the relationship between your dh and his daughter.

Would she feel comfortable in your home? What if she has children, do they lose out on a close relationship with their grandad?

I know I couldn't be with someone who didn't want a relationship with my child... even if they were an adult.

I had a relationship but then she stole from me, called me a fucking bitch and blamed me for her privileges being taken away when she was caught smoking weed. She's been physical with me and to this day she hasn't apologised.

I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone after that, would you?

Tbh I don't think it's reasonable for your husband to expect more than you being polite (and not blocking her coming over at all, which you say you aren't doing) given how she has behaved towards you. You are doing more than enough already.

I think polite, friendly and detached is a well-judged tone to take when you are dealing with such a recent history of conflict. She’s still only 17. She is unlikely to be mature enough to move swiftly and smoothly to happy families, however much your DH wants it. Maintaining a cordial, calm atmosphere and allowing her the space to interact well her dad alone is more likely to get him what he wants is the long run and it works for you right now.
Your DH needs to accept that no one goes from conflict to happiness without some transition time. By not foisting yourself on her or being false, you are helping. Surely he can see that this new, slightly detached relationship is better than hostility and fighting? It sounds like you’re doing fine to me.

My dh and I have older children. I think we both had realistic ideas as to the challenges that can come with raising teenagers and worked as a team to work through them. To be honest my dd was much more difficult than his.

As a family we experienced some really horrible things through that period. Not far of the things you have mentioned.

No my DH has not held them against my dd. She has grown into a really mature and kind young woman and is nothing like she was in those years. It depends i suppose if you think that people have the capability of growing from their teen years. Im nothing like the person I was when I was a teenager.

That has taken alot of work on everyone's behalf and apologies on all sides. In high conflict situations I find that its very unusual that all parties haven't handled things in way they may regret.

If DH had decided he didn't want a relationship with my dd yes it would have probably ended my marriage because I wouldn't want to live my life in such a separate way.

We did decide together what we felt needed to happen though and what our expectations were for how things would work in our home.

Do you resent you DH as much as your DSD for how the situation was handled?

@MrsKingfisher to me it would seem like you have a massive dh problem. How he expects you to just move on from the abuse you received (& it was abuse) at the hands of his daughter is beyond me.
If my child treated my partner like that I would be moving heaven & earth to assist my child but to also assist my partner. The problem here isn't actually dsd - but rather it's your dh's attitude that happy families can be forced without any compromise/apology on the part of dsd.
Imo your detached manner is perfectly fine but if he keeps pushing for everything to be all lovely between you and dsd you will be put in a position that he has no right to put you in given his daughter's appalling behaviour.

@Handsoffisback parents splitting up is no excuse for allowing dreadful behaviour in children, teens or young adults. All mine suffered with exh & I splitting - there was other women, drink, gambling involved - & their dad went off the rails for quite a while. They also had to cope - relatively quickly - with new siblings on their dad's side but not one of them has behaved in such an awful way.
Who knows what's actually going on with this young woman but her dad's belief that op should just move on without any apology only validates his daughters behaviour.

Yet again it's a parent letting both his child & his partner down because he doesn't actually want to parent.

Some kids are lets face it a giant PITA and really only loveable or even likeable to their parents. I think part of the problem for you will be that you will really struggle to get beyond this behaviour even when she's an adult and I mean not just turned 18 but a real adult where she can recognise she is at least partly responsible for her behaviour as a child. If you think that someday when the grand children come along if she's willing to own her shit then hopefully you can have an adult relationship with her which goes beyond being cordial and which helps DH to have a full relationship with his DD. I don't know that your relationship can survive if this is how you see it forever.

I empathise, MrsKingfisher. My bloke's daughter has stolen from me, lied about me to her dad and when I was supposed to move in with him, when she was 30 (HIS idea and he promised she could have moved out by the time I moved in), she waged all out war against me.

I am polite to her now, but no way will I ever do any more than tolerate her. He hates it, but has had 15 years to sort it out and won't. His problem. I am long past caring.

@Handsoffisback - I'm sorry in that I know I come across as very strident. It's just that piss poor parenting really gets me going & there's so much of it on here. Parents just excusing/ignoring all manner of behaviours/issues became they don't want to exercise tough love & then they expect partners etc. to just put up with all sorts of abuse from said kids.

I think theres a middle ground between happy families and leaving the room every time your sc enter.

However @mrskingfisher I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who expected me to engage with someone who treated me like that, whether it was a friend, daughter or any other family member. Did he just stand by while she physically attacked you? In my eyes that's unforgivable.

MrsKingfisher I have no relationship with my now adult stepchildren. The youngest is now 21. Like you, I didn’t have support from dh because he was terrified of being cut off by them.

After the 21 year old’s behaviour to us I want nothing to do with her. Like you, it’s the only thing we argue about. I think where it will affect our marriage is times like weddings where in my case, dh will be expected to foot the bill but leave me at home; so split loyalties.

I expect loyalty from my husband so yes, it definitely affects our marriage.

Magda you’re spot on. I am so very sick of my dh’s fear of even saying no (never mind tough love). He puts up with his daughter’s abuse and I have a hard time accepting that.

I really hope that in the future we do have a good relationship, I do care about her and if she's ever upset and calls dh she's asks if I'm there for advice. I will stand by her if she needs it and I would never see anything bad happen to her. However, at the moment I am doing my best I fee how I feel and can't force myself to be in her company all day.

Dh says it's the way I perceive things but as I have pointed out it's not a perception it's an experience. She shows little respect for dh and none for me. She tells dh what she will and won't do and never asks if it's ok that she does x y z I get that she's a young woman and she's still growing and learning and I hope she blossoms into a wonderful human who's strong and independent.

At the moment though she's self centred, disrespectful and entitled and I am not in a place where I want to play happy families. I have never asked dh to choose I wouldn't, I have said she's welcome whenever but that after a time I would make myself scarce. I don't think that makes me an awful person?

I wish he would stop forcing the issue

It sounds like you had written her off at 7 year olds I have a 7 year old and I cant fathom someone being so dismissive of she was still a child and it was up to her father to sort her behaviour out that was down to you're dh. She is a productive of her own environment. I suspect there's alot more to her behaviour and it would be interested to see her pov. Teenagers can be challenges but I think its unfair to write her off or expect to ignore her longterm. What happens when she gets married or has children of her own. Have you thought about counselling?