logistically, how can lone parents wait so long to introduce children to partner?

[halo12345]

From reading threads on here, many seem to be in agreement that you shouldn't introduce kids to your partner until a year....

How on earth do lone parents manage this? I'm a lone parent with no family anywhere nearby, and my DS 4 has not seen his father since birth, so he is with me 24/7. Do people just not sleep together for a year? Sneak in after bedtime and leave before 6am when toddlers wake up? Is that not a danger that they would then discover a strange man in the house in the middle of the night?

1. Not everyone waits a year

1. Some use friends/family/the NRP for childcare

1. A surprising number make the decision not to date until the children are old enough to be left alone

Don't be worried about what others do, do what suits your circumstances

I think a lot people don't wait that long. In my experience it's about 3 months looking at people I know

I paid for a babysitter for dating until I was happy to introduce. My children don't see their father.

Id feel a littlevdiffereny in your situation (no dad on the scene) but i still think i would wait a year minimum.

I've been seperated for 3 yrs, 2 young children. Not a chance of dating. Where would I meet someone? And then if I did when would I see them? The logistics just dont add up. And im not really inclined to try.

I also know I wouldn't want their dad to introduce a new partner too soon.

On this board you will be told you haven’t waited long enough until suddenly you have waited too long ;-)

Hi OP - my DD is 9 and also with me 24/7. I’ve been single 4 years and just ventured onto OLD . Not met anyone as yet. (One phone call is it so far!) And I’m thinking it’s all too much trouble and should I wait until DD is much older and I am a bit freer.

Sadly I don't think the lack of ability of a parent to get childcare negates the importance of waiting til you know a man is decent and preventing children from having to put up with potentially multiple short term partners.

There is no easy solution I can see but I can see why it is important not to introduce new partners quickly

I'm in the same position as you OP.

I just don't date. Ever. And won't for many years to come.

They pay for babysitters if they want to date?

Honestly, I find the assumption on here that free childcare from family is available on tap kind of odd.

I agree that people I know in real life wait for the 3 month mark to introduce.

Some people will have them over when kids are in bed (especially if they have no other childcare and children are young)

Or they meet up while kids are at school if working part time/shift work coincides with days off mid week.

Or will ask friends/family to help.

Or will have child free days/nights when kids are with their other parent if the other parent is involved.

@TuesdaysWell you might find it odd but I find it odd that some people don't have family back up, so let's agree that the world is made up of all kinds of people and all situations.
That being said , even having plenty of childcare available to me ( ds dad , grandmas , friends etc.) I still don't want to date , I just cant see how it would work long term while ds is young .

I didn't wait a year to introduce, maybe 3-4 months? And that was the odd trip out somewhere. My dc was around 6 and had a reliable bedtime. We did spend some evenings together after bedtime but overnight visits for a good 6 months ish were only when my dc was with my parents overnight. And then maybe once or twice a week once everyone had gotten to know each other a little better.
I'd been single a long time, was very cautious. And was wary of introducing somebody to my dc incase it didn't work out.
There's a balance to work out but it's doable. We're all very happy 5 years down the line.

My first relationship I only waited 8 months before introducing him to DD for this very reason - I had to pay babysitters or occasionally use friends and it was hard work, so I stupidly introduced them earlier than I planned. She got very attached to him and then he ghosted me. Never again. Was much easier with DH as we've been friends since we were teenagers so both of our kids were used to having the other around and we could spend time together before telling them we were a couple around the 18m mark (they'd guessed by then anyway). Its hard and I sympathise but I really wouldn't rush things just for convenience sake, it didn't go well for me.

Before rules like this I met DSS after a couple of months. We knew by then it was serious. I was the only person DH had seen since splitting up with ex 3 years earlier apart from some shags that DSS obviously knew nothing about.

Find an older teen baby sitter (see if any neighbours have a reliable sixth former) who is prepared to sleep over, so you can be as late back as you want.

[quote Dontforgetyourbrolly]@TuesdaysWell you might find it odd but I find it odd that some people don't have family back up, so let's agree that the world is made up of all kinds of people and all situations.
That being said , even having plenty of childcare available to me ( ds dad , grandmas , friends etc.) I still don't want to date , I just cant see how it would work long term while ds is young .[/quote]
It’s nothing to do with not having ‘family back up’! People live long distances from their family, orM in my case, in another country from my family. I’ve paid for literally every moment that DS (now 8) has not been with me, outside of school times.That’s the norm for many people.

I met my DSC a couple of months into the relationship. They had heard Dad was seeing someone and were hugely curious.
We met maybe once a week for quite a long time and I moved in after dating a year maybe?
My DH is not really the dating type and wasn't looking for serial relationships.

I don’t know anyone in real life who has waited a year to be honest. We waited 6 months for me to meet DSD but for dads it’s often easier whereas for mums I’ve wondered how they do it. From talking to people I know they use babysitters for the first few dates and then the person comes over for the evening when the DC are in bed; not as a secret but just a friend coming over type thing. I think you’d want to know someone quite well before letting them stay over with your DC in the house so it might just be that the other person can’t stay for a while (not a bad thing to be honest)

I thought it was more wait before moving them in.

I waited about 8-10 months before introducing him can't remember exactly how long. Before that I would sometimes have a babysitter midweek or he would come round at about 10 and he would leave in the night , the dc went to their dads Sunday afternoons so I would see him then. It worked for us I was in no rush to jump into a full on relationship.

Of course I get paying for babysitters, it was the overnight part of dating I didn't understand how was possible logistically for so long without introducing to DC.

I used the term lone parents because I thought that meant there is no non resident parent on the scene, otherwise that would be the obvious solution.

I'm in my twenties and def not ready to give up on the idea of a relationship! I'm not sure if that sets a healthy example for my DS either - I think its good that, especially sons, see their mothers as human beings with lives and feelings of their own ect.

I think you have to do what you feel is right but you. You'll find windows of opportunity hopefully.
Maybe a coffee date when you're on your lunch break. Start having play dates with other parents so you've got a couple of hours free.
If and when you meet someone you think you really could like the get an evening baby sitter and have a grown up date. Just take it from there. Introduce casually as a fun friend for a while. You can make it work. Good luck

For the first 6 months, the D.C. saw their Dad a few hours in the daytime once a week, so I would see DP then and occasionally pay for babysitters for evenings. He started staying overnight after 6 months when DCs dad took the hump and stopped seeing the youngest, otherwise I might have waited a little longer.

The key wasn't the logistics though, it was the temperament of the man. He was patient and understood my circumstances and was busy with his own life when we didn't see each other.

Nope not waiting that long here. If my child hates them I'd like to know sooner rather than later.

But to be fair I've only dated 2 people in the 13+ year since i split with ExH, one i knew beforehand and other other we all knew really well. Im not so keen to date that internet dating appeals.

In answer to your question, yes people really do wait!
I was very much a lone parent when I met dh and I was very frank with him, if he was keen he needed to be patient!
He was introduced to my two young dc as my friend, we met him at the park, cafes etc initially and then he started visiting the house for dinner or to watch a film. He was wonderful with them and they really saw him as a fun guest and loved having him over.
Once they were safely in bed (monitors on, two stair gates securely shut!) we would have a few drinks and well I'm sure you can guess the rest! We'd sleep on the sofa but I'd always set an alarm and by 5am he'd leave and I'd be in my bed ready for my two early risers!
This went on for a very long time, their relationship evolved slowly with him and most importantly at their pace. If dh had complained then I would have known he wasn't for me.
Our snatched moments were magical, we were falling in love and it was amazing and it really didn't matter where we were.
Funnily enough dd is an adult now, we're very close and she now realises that mums friend was her boyfriend for all that time and she really appreciates how we behaved. Their dad had moved away suddenly and they were struggling, it was a difficult time for them.

Sorry, that was longer than planned but yes, you absolutely can do it, you just need to find the right man!