9 year old Step daughter sleeps with her dad

[StarMeKitten]

My 9 year old step daughter shares a bed with her dad when she stays at him (at least twice a week). I have told my OH that I find it weird and inappropriate (she has her own room there). But OH seems to think it’s ME that is being unreasonable.
He sleeps in just boxer shorts and I explained that he probably has an erection in the morning or during the night cos let’s face it most men do. OH just thinks I’m insinuating her ex is doing something wrong and she says “he’s just her little girl”. She’s annoyed with me and says she won’t tell him how to parent.

Am I wrong?

I'd stay out of it if I were you. The 9 yo won't be 9 yo for ever - she'll start to prefer her own room soon enough.

She actually can't tell her ex how to parent - if you read lots of threads on this board you will clearly see that and this is upheld by the Family Court.

However she can ask her daughter if she is happy with the sleeping arrangements at her dad's. If the child isn't then that's when taking the child's lead she can ask the dad to change sleeping arrangements.

A) it has nothing to do with you

B) a 9 year old sharing a parent's bed is not that big a deal. DS regularly shares mine. I'm fully aware he's not the only one of his friends in a similar situation. He's starting to mature so I can see that it's likely to stop soon but for now, he still sees it as a treat and something he gets comfort from. Because 9 is still very young.

My ten year old stepdaughter has just stopped sleeping in her dad's bed, apparently. It was a fairly natural transition based on what she wanted. I think SD6 has now stopped too because she wants to sleep with her sister.

He only sees them every other weekend and I think it's more a matter of they'd all fall asleep together cuddled up while watching a film or something. I don't think it's that rare. My OH knows him better than I do, as I'm sure your OH knows your SD's dad better than you do, so I trust her trust.

Ok fair enough. SD is happy with the situation. It’s just me that things it’s a bit odd. I think it’s the girl/man thing that I find strange but I will keep out of it.

If child is happy then it is for her parents to decide what she the father sleeping with his df I'd inappropriate. She will menstruate on due course and I suspect she would want to sleep alone then.

OP it may be odd for you because you didn't grow up in an environment where children co-sleep with either siblings, their parents or both. When children don't want to co-sleep anymore they will make it clear. This can happen at anytime up until they hit puberty

Some children don't co-sleep but insist on sharing rooms to sleep in even though they have a room of their own. At some point they may decide that they actually want to sleep on their room on their own.

I think that she will probably grow out of it naturally soon.

It's not girl/man it's father/ daughter. The dynamic isn't the same as if it was some random bloke.

I appreciate I haven’t grown up co sleeping myself. I have slept with my own children but not regularly. But as I am their mum I just see it different somehow. But thanks for all your advice. I will leave it as he is her dad and OH is ok with it too.

I think you're over-thinking this.

I used to crawl in my parents bed all the time until I was about 11. Mainly to be close to dad. I used to freak him out by trying to work out if he was awake and he'd find my looming over him in the dark.

She'll grow out of it and this is really your problem not theirs

I didn't grow up sharing a bed with anyone either. So even now apart from my husband, I'd rather not share.

My DSS has just turned 8. He's always saying I want to sleep in with Chesney and Daddy sleep in my bed. And I always make an excuse.

But on his 8th birthday he kept asking and I felt mean, so said ok. He doesn't fidget or snore like his Dad, so I actually had a good nights sleep 😂 and the dog that normally sleeps in him with came too.

But it felt a bit weird to me. As he's not my child.

I think this is parental choice thing tbh. Some people are huge advocates of co-sleeping. Others are not. And this can become an issue between couples if not on the same page.

About a year ago I went to visit friends and we had planned a road trip for a few days. The night before we were all due to leave, a few friends drove up to break the journey and so we could all start out from one spot. It meant sleeping arrangements for one night were tight and someone would have to kip on the couch.

One of the friends is in a serious relationship. Divorced and has a daughter from his previous marriage. Pre teen but clearly starting puberty.
If that had been me and my child, no question on who would be taking the couch. My child.
My friend slept in a bed with his daughter whilst his long term partner slept on the couch.

If seemed to work for them. Everyone was fine and thought it appropriate. Me? Not a chance.

A lot of parents (women I know) will co-sleep with their children post separation. For comfort. When I separated from my ex it was very tempting to want my youngest in bed so I wasn’t alone.
And then I thought, at some point there may be a man in my bed, what will I do then? Kick my child out? So I didn’t start it off and (aside from bad dreams/ illness (my children sleep in their own beds).

So if a partner of mine was co-sleeping with their child when I was there? No, not acceptable.

There’s then a whole different convo of the NRP’s who have no issue with their children climbing into bed with them in the morning for cuddles.
Waking up everyone. Including their partner

I had this for a short time, it felt weird. I didn’t want morning cuddles with children who weren’t mine. So again, I removed myself and ensured the children and my ex had their needs met as both sides loved that. Me after a long week of early starts at work? Not so much.

My DHs 9 year old cannot sleep through the night. Within 2 hours of falling asleep she will be awake, crying, moaning, whining, begging for her dad to sleep with her. She has no self soothing skills whatsoever.

So he has to go and share a single bed top and tail with his pubescent daughter so that the rest of the house can get peace. It’s not great for anyone involved, has been the same her whole life, and is showing no signs of changing anytime soon.
There’s a lot of space between my DSD who is completely dependent and kids who co sleep sometimes if they feel like a treat, are feeling rubbish or had a bad dream IMO, you’ll know where she fits better than any of us.

For me , the hardest thing to do in sometimes is to remember to stay in my lane. My grandfather would often tell us that not every thought or observation needs to be shared or expressed. If your input has not been sought on this topic, there is a good chance that the parents are not asking for your advice or opinion.

You are not going to win any points by trying to make them aware of something that they do not view as problematic and may be quite offended by your take on what they view as not a problem situation.

In many cultures, co-sleeping is a common practice and many healthy, productive, moral, and successful people come from these cultures.

There are many different practices, cultures and methodologies that produce normal and healthy people.

Keep your nose out

Hmm..I take it the dad is single?

I would say sleeping with a 9year old is inappropriate and agree with you...there are issues with boundaries but it's not uncommon

I think it's quite common for children to want to share parents beds.

I went through a phase of this with my dad. I'm not saying the situation is the same for you OP but for me it was about security.

My parents had just split up and my Dad was the RP because my mum had left. I couldn't sleep unless I was in the same room as him (we just topped and tailed!) until I was about 11. I think looking back, I was worried that he was going to leave too and I couldn't relax unless I knew he was there.

Nothing weird or inappropriate about it.

Why are you commenting on his parenting of his child ?
It's nothing to do with you.

I have an 8 year old who still sleeps with me, and sleeps with her dad when she's with him. So what. She will grow out of it eventually.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
My Husband and my Step daughters are very cuddly, specially the oldest. She's turning 10 and she loves sleeping with her dad or with me, or with the sister.
I think as long as the child is comfortable and the father isn't a creep, it's ok.

Disagree with the people that say it isn't your business though.
I mean, it's definitely my business if my husband chooses to sleep with the kids in their room and not in our bed with me, or if the kids come to our bed when it's already full. I personally think kids should be taught to sleep on their own since very young, but can't really parent someone else's.

@Amanda87

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. My Husband and my Step daughters are very cuddly, specially the oldest. She's turning 10 and she loves sleeping with her dad or with me, or with the sister. I think as long as the child is comfortable and the father isn't a creep, it's ok.

Disagree with the people that say it isn't your business though.
I mean, it's definitely my business if my husband chooses to sleep with the kids in their room and not in our bed with me, or if the kids come to our bed when it's already full. I personally think kids should be taught to sleep on their own since very young, but can't really parent someone else's.

OP isn't the dad's partner.

So the dad having his daughter in his bed doesn't affect OP in any way.

My 11 year old son sleeps in with me when DP is away. When I’ve been away, DP has his kids sleep in with him. We also used to co sleep with his youngest DS at weekends, until he was about 3. I don’t think it’s weird or inappropriate at all, it’s just annoying sometimes for different parties in a step situation!

I know this is an older post but I had to add my bit lol

My step son is 9 and sleeps with his mum... because of this he won’t sleep over with us. This is a pain in the arse. My son is ages with him and has always sleeps on his own. Now I know every child is different but I think it should get to a point whereby as a parent you need to reassure and encourage your child to sleep in there own bed with there own space!

This won’t be an easy issue to talk about with your oh as I feel with blended families its easy to be defensive of your own... as long as he’s not chucking you on the couch lol

if a partner of mine was co-sleeping with their child when I was there? No, not acceptable.

This. Definitely not for me thanks.