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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex wants to introduce GF after 6 weeks

18 replies

RiverBee · 09/11/2020 10:05

Hi,

My ex has been dating a girl for 6 weeks and has said he is going to introduce our son (3) to her. I told him I think it’s far too soon as there is zero reason why our son needs to be involved in their relationship. He only has him every other weekend so he has PLENTY of time to allow the relationship to grow without the need for our son to be involved. I don’t see why he would even want to share the time he has with his son with another person yet, he’s so young and loves Daddy time. He’s said he’s done the decent thing and told me and he doesn’t care that I don’t agree and will do it when he feels it’s right.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know I can’t stop it but i’m having trouble controlling my emotions about it. I have been with me partner for 2 years and he met my son after 5 months and even then my son was so young he was clueless, I don’t think it’s the same.

Any advice? 🥺

OP posts:

YarToTheNar · 09/11/2020 10:14

Unfortunately any advice posters give is kind of irrelevant as, like you say, there is nothing you can do if he wants to go ahead anyway, just like it wouldn't have mattered if he'd had thought 5 months were too soon for you.

All you can do is be there for your son if he has any questions and please, whatever you do (and I'm not suggesting you would), don't bad mouth your ex or his girlfriend.

As hard as it is, I do think it's much better for your child to see you being okay about it, even if internally you aren't.

AllsortsofAwkward · 09/11/2020 10:16

Double standards tbh he met yourr partner after a short time you cannot dicate when he meets his partner.

Whysrumgone · 09/11/2020 10:20

@AllsortsofAwkward

Double standards tbh he met yourr partner after a short time you cannot dicate when he meets his partner.

It’s not though, is it? There’s a difference between meeting a 1 year old after 5 months, and meeting a 3 year old after 6 weeks

YarToTheNar · 09/11/2020 10:24

There is a difference I agree but these threads usually descend into lots of 'I wouldn't allow it', 'my child wouldn't be going', 'Id tell him no' type comments when in reality they are so so unhelpful because there is nothing OP can do.

The best advice anyone can give is to accept it, as hard as it is, and show your child that you are okay about it so they don't feel awkward or like it's wrong to like the girlfriend etc...

So many problems on this board start because the other parent makes it difficult for the child to have a relationship with the parents partner. I'm not saying OP will but it genuinely is the best advice in my opinion. It's the only thing OP can control, her reaction to it and what she shows to her child.

excelledyourself · 09/11/2020 11:00

The only advice I can give you is to let it go. Yes, he's selfish and irresponsible, but no, you can't do anything about it.

And I agree - who wants to have a young child right in the middle of their brand new relationship anyway? What are his motives? I'd imagine it's because he wants to "prove" what a solid relationship him and his GF have. Whatever the reason, it's purely for their benefit, not for his sons.

Be glad that you're no longer in a relationship with such a selfish man.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2020 11:21

6 weeks is ridiculous. But everyone’s right that you can’t do anything about it so best not to let it bother you too much. My DSC mum met someone online, introduced him to the kids 4 days later when he spent the night and he was there unofficially full time by the end of the week, doing the school run and taking them swimming. She barely knew him, the kids were old enough to realise it was bat shit and DSD actually asked her mum if he could be out sometimes. Shockingly it didn’t last but people can be fucking thoughtless and stupid, mums and dads, and all the other parent can do is offer stability and calm. At 3 your son will be incredibly adaptable, try not to worry too much.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 09/11/2020 12:19

My stepdaughters (6 & 10 now) cope ok with their dad's "friends" - to be fair he doesn't push the fact that he's in a relationship much with them, and they tend to be lovely to the girls which helps.

Like with your's, they only see their dad every other weekend. We just make sure they have stability here. Try not to worry too much.

Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 12:22

Well he needs to appear to be a good df....
Yabu to not pander to his shite op...
Obviously not but leave him to it. Nowt dampens a new relationship like a whirlwind toddler imo.

Youseethethingis · 09/11/2020 13:19

I didn’t meet my DSD for two years, it gave our relationship time to be normal and child free, if not in the same was as if neither of us had children.
Maybe your ex is of the view that he doesn’t want to invest loads of time with this woman only to discover that she’s rubbish with kids, DS hates her and it’s just not going to work?
At 3 he’s not that interested in his dads love life and who she is to him, she will hopefully just be a kind, fun adult that he sees sometimes at his dads.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2020 13:41

There are risks as the person in the relationship who’s not the parent with leaving it too long to meet the DC, it’s a balancing act. DH and I knew we were serious about being together and it was 6 months before I met his DC at the park for a couple of hours. It mattered to me to see what he was like as a dad and what they were like. Of course I knew a lot about them, we’d chatted briefly on the phone before meeting at their instigation, but despite my hopes, I didn’t know if the way DH was with his kids would be something I’d wish to be part of. It was, it was a great first meeting, we continued to follow the DC’s lead and built up gradually from there, but if he’d been annoying in dad mode or I’d found them intensely annoying (not all children are adorable...) I’d have called time and walked away. It wouldn’t have been easy but sharing a life with someone whose children got on my nerves would have been worse. 2 years is a lot, if it doesn’t go as you hope with the children you’re walking away from a lot more and have more to give up in terms of time, energy and resources having had two years without them in it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2020 13:42

It also makes a difference how often the parent you’re dating has contact. DH had his two every weekend and an overnight every week. So we weren’t going to spend much time together if it didn’t start to include his DC. If it’s only EOW then you obviously have more childfree time.

Dddaddy · 09/11/2020 13:44

There’s nothing you can do.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/11/2020 13:49

That's going to put a dampener on their weekends, is how I would think of it. I'm sure your son is lovely but a new girlfriend may not want to become default child carer so quickly and I would guess that's what your ex has in mind.

MyGodImSoYoung · 09/11/2020 14:29

I completely agree that six weeks is too soon, but you have no right to tell him what he can and cannot do. Of course, express your concerns, but now he knows your opinion, you just have to leave it.

I didn't meet my DSD for the first year of my relationship. Her mother causes me endless problems, and clearly feels that I have been pushed into her daughter's life far too soon. She doesn't know that DP and I were together for a year, it isn't any of her business.

The best thing you can do is look supportive; your son will pick up on your emotions and hostility, even if he doesn't know the reasons. If you son comes home upset about the new woman, then you have a valid reason to raise it with your ex. Until then, you need to smile, fill your son's life with love on your side. and let your ex get on with it.

Whilst you might have felt five months was a long enough wait, your DP met your son when he was a year old (at a guess based on the numbers you've provided). Obviously, I don't know the circumstances around your relationship ending with your ex, but that seems like a quick turn around to introduce a new partner.

Don't judge. Sit, wait, observe, then act if necessary. Who knows, this new woman might bring a bit of extra joy into your son's life. Who wouldn't want that?

MeridianB · 09/11/2020 14:47

It’s really poor judgment by him but nothing you can do. YANBU for feeling upset about this. Why on earth does he need her to meet him so soon.

I’d be concerned about the COVID aspect, too. Presumably she won’t be meeting him until after lockdown. But more generally, if your ex starts a high turnover of new women at his place then that’s not great right now.

Youseethethingis · 09/11/2020 14:55

2 years is a lot
According to DSDs mum it was still far too soon and she fought against it tooth and nail. In the end, DH had to just say he was introducing me whether she likes it or not. He really wanted her to be ok with everything which was the main reason we waited quite as long as we did. He wanted to introduce me after a year.

Songbird232018 · 09/11/2020 18:10

He shouldn't but he probably will and unfortunately you won't be able to stop it. If the new lady has any sense or thought of your son she wouldn't agree so early.

My partners ex ended their marriage and then moved house in with her new boyfriend (they had known each other through friends for a year and were having a affair). There kids were literally told mum and dad are breaking up etc dads moving out and within 4 weeks they up routed across the city to live with a new step dad.

Some choices are really shit!

SandyY2K · 09/11/2020 19:46

At 3 yo...your DS won't read too much into it...and then he'll see her again in 2 weeks time....leave him to it, as your Ex will clearly do what he wants anyway. You can't reason with people like him.

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