Adamant there is a medical condition

[Joely221]

BM has told us my step child had autism, sensory processing disorder and adhd. She told us School have picked up too. She has always attended parents evening with my partner. She has also made statements to court with the same information in a custody issue with her partners child. My partner has never fully believed there was anything wrong with his child but never thought his ex would lie. Until recently, school have said they nothing is wrong they have identified, Cahms have also said the same,nothing wrong . However his mum will not have it and will tell anyone who will listen he has the previously mentioned conditions. Pardon the ignorance but is this a usual thing, mum identifies a problem but fights to get it recognised, even if school, cahms and family can’t see it?

It’s impossible to get these conditions diagnosed without some heavy heavy duty testing, usually by a multi disciplinary team. The fact that school or camhs don’t see it, is neither here nor there. But the diagnosis is hard to get and almost always based on rigourous and robust testing.

What assessments has this child had?

She isn't the birth mum. She's the mum.

Yes, very common. Have a look on Facebook at any adhd or autism support group. A lot of parents have to go through this to get a diagnosis. It isn't easy to get a diagnosis. Have a look at the coke can/bottle effect also.

It is far from rare for one parent to notice issues that the other denies are there. That could be paranoia from the first, or denial from the second. Either is possible.

Using "BM" is not acceptable.

Yes I would say it is.

My dd is fine in school to an extent. She will also manage to hold herself together in some extended families presence , other not so much. She is likely to melt down after leaving the situation or just before we leave. At home she isn't as capable and it all comes out.

She has sensory processing disorder, high levels of anxiety and ocd tendencies. With out definitive diagnosis of being on the spectrum.

It took as numerous attempts and continued accessing of services to have this recognised.

Seperately my older child in her late teens received a diagnosis of ADD and dyslexia after an educational assessment that I pushed for following basically being labelled a bit thick and a drama queen by her school with her associated levels of anxiety and inattention she displayed. Funny enough the school counsellor put alot of her issues down to be a child of seperated parents. She didn't have any of these issues highlighted in primary because she was able to just about cope and mask. Once she got older she had reached her capacity to do so.

To my huge regret I went along with the school to a degree and failed to recognise what was right in front of me.

So yes it is entirely possible.

Yes, possible. The BD needs to liaise with the school about behaviour and their observations. Mum may be dealing with lots of difficulties at home in a safe space where the child has typically managed to hold it all in all day and manage in school.

No it’s not.

It’s normal for a parent to say ‘he has undiagnosed X condition’ or ‘we are fighting to get our child diagnosed with X’.

Your partner needs to call school and CAMHS to ask what their opinion is.

I previously worked within the disability support sector and have a few people with autism in my family.

(And frstly, having autism doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong' with a person.)

But yes, it is very common for parents to notice signs of disability and have to fight for a diagnosis. It is also common for one parent to deny that their child has a disability whilst the other parent is left to advocate for their child alone (in my experience it is usually dads that struggle to see/acknowledge the signs).

Obviously no one here can tell you if this is the case for your step child or explain why your step child's mum told you that the school is aware if they're not.

@Milkshake7489

in my experience it is usually dads that struggle to see/acknowledge the signs

I agree with this. I've seen it in a few situations and the dads go into denial.

I remember one where it was a friend. Her DH insisted their DS was just energetic and he used to be the same as a child.

Then her MIL came over (she lived abroad) and said something wasn't quite right with him (DGC). My friend said she's been saying the same and their DS was diagnosed with autism, but her DH wouldn't hear of it, saying they wanted to label his child.

When my friend toldher MIL, he says he used to be like this and DS will grow out of it, her MIL said he was never like this and my friend should ignore him and continue getting the support.

That's just one case, but there are others too.

OP have you seen the child?
How old are they and how much contact does dad have with the child?

Thank you to all who commented. Especially how it’s sometimes hard for the dad to see it. Apologies for the BM term. Wasn’t meant to be derogatory, just unsure of the correct forum lingo.

It's all well and good for a parent to say they have a diagnosis however a pediatrician or development behavior doctor saying it on paper or online medical records holds more water (and I'm a long time special needs veteran parent)

How does the child behave around you?

Unless you are blind and lacking total empathy you would notice if the child's behaviour is "odd" and/or disruptive.

Until you started going out with your DP you woudn't have met the child so you have no expectations of their behaviour. Family can minimise any behavioural characteristics especially if they have interacted with the child since birth.

Children mask well my son hit year 5 before what was obvious at home became obvious at school even now in year 7 im still having to point out to his new school he cant cope and he needs assessment and support so they put him down a maths set because he is "slow" yes a fucking slow processing speed does that (diagnosed) he is actually very bright just slow to warm up

It actually pisses me off that his brother has been diagnosed special needs is also not receiving enough support because he is "fine" at school I mean he isnt actually learning a thing but he is fiiiiiine apparently 🙄

His dad feels they are fine too education psychology does not agree

I've got a hospital letter of DD1. My girls NonMum & her husband have decided they knows better but surprisingly dont want the paperwork of EHCPs, DLA, PiP and college applications where you have to chase up SENAR to make sure your 16 year old has a college consultation arranged at an SEN because your kid can't just apply and go there.