How do we talk to DSS about all this ?

[mamazee]

hiya
how do people discuss difficult situations with exes with the kids ?
we have avoided having conversation with my DSS (he is 12) since everything blew up a year ago.

My dh wants to reassure him that the court order and caffcass will be ok but also to ask why he has stopped using his surname??

we don't wanna bitch about his mum but as she is giving him her side we are nervous that he will be totally alienated from us.and making stuff up.

should we not say anything ? he is coming down this weekend... the only thing we have mentioned to him so far is that he won't have to stand in front of the judge and tell him what she wants (what she told him ) and that his mum was very angry with us and we were trying to sort it out and that he needs to trust that we love him and will not do anything to hurt him.

it is so hard to watch my DH so full of sadness about it all..when he realised that bhe has dropped his surname he looked HEARTBROKEN.

HELP

I would be as honest as you possibly can be, and give an explanation of your version of events, without, obviously, being rude about his mum. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I had step parents also, I think the thing I found hardest was the lack of communication. Your DSS is probably dying to ask you and your DH various questions but is afraid to. I found it very hard with my Dad and stepmum that they were not open to those kinds of conversations with me. I was hearing very damning things about my Dad from my mum and her family and was constantly agonising over whether they were true or not, did he still love me etc., etc.

As in most situations the truth is probably not black and white. There is liable to be some blame on both sides when a marriage goes wrong, or maybe blame is not the right word, but you know what I mean. I think children can be very understanding of this if the adults in their life are truthful and make it clear that they are loved.

BTW - I must commend you - being a stepmum is no easy job, and the fact that you are even posting on this topic shows that you care a great deal. Best of luck with all this, it is such a painful time for you all.

The important things for him to know are:

1. His mum and dad both love him.

2. He wasn't to blame for them splitting up.

You need to be very direct about these 2 subjects - everything else needs a 'suck-it-and-see' approach. Did you have an affair with dh that caused him to leave his wife or had they already separated? That will make a BIG difference to the best advice to give.

But I didn't think the x-w could name-change without your dh's permission? I'm sure there has been a test case about this reported in the papers a few years ago.

I have happily come out the other side of all this and have lovely grown up stepchildren. What is clear to me from talking to them now is that there is such a thing as being too discreet. I always bent over backwards not to criticise their mum (dh was not always so considerate, I have to say) and actually, with hindsight, there were clearly times when they needed to hear "no, this isn't right". I think there are times when they know that the other parent is doing something wrong or misguided and have a real need to discuss it. Our natural tendency to put on a brave face isn't always for the best, I think, but it's a difficult judgement call to make. Good luck.

It's a very difficult one. We've recently decided to talk to DSC for the first time ever about issues that we swore we would never involve them in. I actually think that they felt reassured to know that DP and I do want them to spend time with us and we are doing everything we can to make that possible. I think that maybe DSC had tried to talk to us about the things their DM has said in the past, to get reassurance, but we'd refused to talk about it at all for fear of unsetting them or confusing them more. I think it's really important to try not to put blame onto your DSS's DM, especially if he has already heard her side of it all. DP put the emphasis on him loving them very much and wanting to see them as much as he used to but also said that their DM loves them very much too and misses them a lot when they are not with her.
Having said all this, I did get some critisism from other MNers for involving them DSC in this at all. It's very difficult to know what to do for the best. Good luck, I know how hard all this is.