advice really needed - unexpected 'step-mother' situation

[sianlou31]

Hello all,

I wasn't sure where to post this and who to ask but I wonder if anyone could help.

I've been with my partner for around a year and a half. We don't live together. He has an 11 year old daughter who I haven't been introduced to yet as she took her parents split very hard and has only recently accepted that Dad might have a new girlfriend. We had planned to introduce me after Christmas.

Sadly her mother (partner's ex) died this week (unexpectedly, not going into details) and my partner is her sole carer now.

She obviously has to be his priority right now and I totally support this, but I am/we are left in the weird situation of me being with her dad, and have been for quite a while now, but to introduce me so soon now would be unfeeling and hard for her to accept having just lost her mum.
I can't be there physically to support him during the time because of causing the daughter hurt.

Additionally, my partner will always have his daughter at the house and at weekends now so we won't be able to meet up anymore without her there - which isn't a problem for me but I don't want to put the daughter in a uncomfortable or traumatic situation. I don't however want to end my relationship with my partner as I don't feel that way and want to make it work, including the daughter when the time is right.

Has anyone experienced anything similar and does anyone have any advice?

This is an absolutely awful situation poor girl.

I'm sorry but you need to back away from this. The child is going to need alot of time and support.
You will not have an easy relationship now and intact if the mother has said something even slightly negative about you ( which if we are all honest is highly likely as you were dating her exh) the daughter will now be very hostile towards you. She needs her dad and he needs to focus 100% on her needs. He has a tough time ahead with her heading towards the teenage years and having lost her mother suddenly.

Step back and let him deal with the situation. Maybe stay as a friend but for your sake you are probably best calling it off.
I am so sorry this is a very unfair situation for everyone involved.

Gosh, I think that's a bit harsh. A lot of people take things very slowly and cautiously where children are concerned and I think it says more about their respect for the children's feelings and wellbeing than it does about their lack of interest in the relationship tbh. Thing is, if OP had posted that she had been with a man for eighteen months and that as yet he had shown no sign of introducing her to his DC people would say it was a red flag and that it was likely he didn’t see her as a serious prospect.

While it’s possible to introduce the DC too soon, it’s also possible to wait too long to do so. It’s not possible to move forward with a serious relationship until children have been introduced, and even then there needs to be time for the children’s relationship with the incoming partner to be established.

This man already wasn’t ready to introduce the OP to his child. Now things have got so much harder for the child, and there is no way he can throw introducing the OP into this mix when he already wasn’t ready to do so.

The OP is clearly coming from the right place, but she and her partner already weren’t on the same page with this.

He is now in an entirely different place in his life, and the OP just can’t be a part of that.

Let’s be honest, the OP doesn’t even know if he’s mentioned her to his DD or even the possibility that he might be seeing someone.

Those aren’t the actions of someone who was getting ready to introduce his DD to the woman in his life, and now he can’t.

The vast majority on this board who say they wouldn't have become step parent with the benefit of hindsight, say that is because of the difficulties the ex brings to the situation. You may have different ex-related difficulties, but they can't knowingly comment on that.

I didn't give that advice based on ex related difficulties at all, actually. I would advise any childless person considering getting involved with someone with children, to seriously reconsider. They really have no idea of the mental toll of just living with a step child, centring your life around them even on a part time basis which this no longer would be, and the cost to their own quality of life. There is a wide variety of challenges not limited to the ex, and certainly if the child is predisposed not to like you. This isn't a given but considering the circumstances and knowing her partner was afraid to introduce her even beforehand, there is much to suggest the child will not be welcoming.

I can knowingly comment on all of those things and it would have been very useful knowledge for me when I first met my DP as a childless person with no experience of step parenting.

@aSofaNearYou

I said on this this board, not this thread. I wasn't referring to you specifically.

And yes, you can of course comment on what you know, but as your DSS mum isn't deceased, you can't say how OP's situation will likely pan out. That is what I meant by different ex-related issues.

@excelledyourself as I said, I can comment on the many difficult elements of it that aren't related to the ex. That is just one variant.

Then we're talking about different things. You're talking non ex related. I've said different ex-related i.e. the ex is deceased.

I am very surprised by these answers. This is an absolutely tragic situation for this child and she will need to be reassured that her father has got her. But he is likely to do a better job if he has the support of a clearly sensitive and child focussed partner. This child has lost her mother , that’s so huge that everything else pales into insignificance.

I would not be making any decisions right now but also prepare myself that the relationship may not survive this. I think you will be in shock and need some time to have that emotional reaction before you look at it more objectively and pragmatically. It might be that your relationship regresses a few steps and you will have to consider whether you’re willing to wait for him and his daughter to be able to accept your presence as part of their relationship or not.

Bloody hell, that poor girl. I think all you can do for now is just quietly support your partner from the sidelines and be led by him and his daughter.

But he is likely to do a better job if he has the support of a clearly sensitive and child focussed partner.
@Zebracat this may be pertinent if
if the child in question and op knew each other - but they've not even met! In fact op is not sure that the child even knows of her existence!
And with the above statement you are expecting a woman in an 18 month old relationship where she's never met the child, to stick around just to assist the dad & child get through the child's heartbreak!
Honestly?
That is an expectation too far; that a woman should 'sacrifice' her own future & happiness to assist a man whose child she has never even met!

@Magda72

But he is likely to do a better job if he has the support of a clearly sensitive and child focussed partner. *@Zebracat* this may be pertinent if if the child in question and op knew each other - but they've not even met! In fact op is not sure that the child even knows of her existence! And with the above statement you are expecting a woman in an 18 month old relationship where she's never met the child, to stick around just to assist the dad & child get through the child's heartbreak! Honestly? That is an expectation too far; that a woman should 'sacrifice' her own future & happiness to assist a man whose child she has never even met!

Exactly this, the op would be putting the breaks on so much for a relationship that would be under incredible strain.

Blended families involve huge compromise from everyone involved. What if she wants children and her partner decides in two years time it wouldn't be right for his daughter.

I do agree that this would be a lot for the op to take on but her thoughts seem to be about how she can support them, she sounds committed.I never expect men or women to take on responsibility for their partners children, or for the children of distant family, friends or strangers but many do. Step parenting, fostering, adoption , special guardianship can all be very difficult and they don’t always have good outcomes. But sometimes they work out really well.
Without wanting to be too outing, I do have experience of a very similar situation with a traumatised child, and we made it work. I also had a career working with blended families. The op has been with her partner for 18 months, they have proved their ability to put this child’s needs at the forefront, and if they are both committed to a future together, in my opinion, this is the time to bring her existence into the light, with low key and unpressured meetings to follow. Of course others will have a different view, and they may be right, this is just what worked for us.

If I were @sianlou31’S mum I’d be supporting HER and saying to her NOT to commit to anything, not to be in support or background to this dynamic because it’s too much for a young woman to promise to a man she barely knows and a child she’s never met, who has problems already in the whole dad having a life arena before the death of her mother.

She needs a foundation, a base, not to feel that there is competition for the attention of her father.

I can’t imagine any of us as mothers would advocate their 20something daughter saddling herself with this ready made family that’s extremely traumatised and grieving.

The kindest thing to do is to give this guy the space to be the parent his daughter needs to be. And actually If he pushed for anything else, he’d be being selfish and thinking of his own needs before either his grieving dd or the OP.

Many things happen for a reason, and tbh, the writing was already on the wall that this would be bloody hard work generally, now that level of strife has multiplied a hundredfold

How's everything going OP?

I think at some point he probably needs to take the lead from her. My mum died and my step mum was the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

He needs to ask how she wants to proceed, but he doesn't need to hide the fact you exist. And she'll need time to get her head round the idea so it should be done on the sooner side. Not straight away obviously but a couple of weeks is probably enough time for a mention.

Good luck