advice really needed - unexpected 'step-mother' situation

[sianlou31]

Hello all,

I wasn't sure where to post this and who to ask but I wonder if anyone could help.

I've been with my partner for around a year and a half. We don't live together. He has an 11 year old daughter who I haven't been introduced to yet as she took her parents split very hard and has only recently accepted that Dad might have a new girlfriend. We had planned to introduce me after Christmas.

Sadly her mother (partner's ex) died this week (unexpectedly, not going into details) and my partner is her sole carer now.

She obviously has to be his priority right now and I totally support this, but I am/we are left in the weird situation of me being with her dad, and have been for quite a while now, but to introduce me so soon now would be unfeeling and hard for her to accept having just lost her mum.
I can't be there physically to support him during the time because of causing the daughter hurt.

Additionally, my partner will always have his daughter at the house and at weekends now so we won't be able to meet up anymore without her there - which isn't a problem for me but I don't want to put the daughter in a uncomfortable or traumatic situation. I don't however want to end my relationship with my partner as I don't feel that way and want to make it work, including the daughter when the time is right.

Has anyone experienced anything similar and does anyone have any advice?

God, how tragic.

How long were her parents separated before her mother died?

Agree that now is not the time to push meeting. Step back, support DP and be led by him.

You sound very kind, respectful and considerate - it's good you waited to meet his daughter as you could be in an even more difficult place had it been rushed. That said, I wonder why he didn't even mention you. To keep you 'secret' seems strange, even if she did react very badly to the break up. Maybe the break-up only happened in the last 2 years?

It is a horrible, shocking situation for this poor little girl and will undoubtedly be very difficult for your partner. I don't think it would be fair to introduce even the idea of Dad having a girlfriend if she truly is unaware you exist, this poor child has more than enough to contend with on top of not having taken the break well. Agree that a good year or more should pass before any meeting so the child has time to grieve and adjust to her new life (which will never be the same). If she does know about you, she will ask to meet you when she is ready and I'd wait for her cue.

Its only right he prioritize his child now, and this will inevitably mean your relationship takes a back seat. If you truly want this relationship to work, I think you're going to have to be prepared for it be on hold for the foreseeable future (i.e. years). He simply won't be able to give to a relationship whilst being a full time single parent to a grieving child. This isn't your average step child situation - she already took the break up badly enough for him not to introduce you; any meeting is likely to be fraught and loaded.

So sorry for everyone involved in this - I'm sure you're all in total shock.

Could you put things on hold for the time being but maybe meet up with him for lunch in the week when his daughter is at school so your are still in contact without upsetting her any further?

This same situation literally happened to someone I know. The girl, though a couple of years younger, went to the dad's, gf didn't visit. She was uprooted 70 miles away from maternal family and school/friends. Funeral happened after PM etc 6.5 weeks later.
Obviously she was incredibly upset, returning "home", seeing grandparents, family home, collecting rest of belongings able to take with her etc.
Very quickly gf was "introduced" and within the next half term the girl was living with grandmother due to the huge emotional toll the gf took on her and the fact that her father didn't take things more slowly (imo).

I know that's not what you want to hear. But personally, I think that the kindest thing you can do is step aside.

I think they need to be solid in their new small family before you can make a space.

Maybe if she was to have a regular overnight at gp it could be your date night?

But tbh if he didn't put her first would he be the man you thought he was

OP, think of yourself when you were 11 years old. If your mom had died at that time, would your father's love life have been a priority in your thinking?

How soon after your mother's death do you think that you would have been prepared to focus on your father's love life or meeting his girlfriend?

Give them time . You do not have to put your life on hold, but recognize that if it is difficult to face losing someone that you have only known for a year and a half ,imagine how much more difficult to lose the person who you have loved for your entire life.

Life is unfair sometimes, and both you and the daughter are victims of situations over which neither of you had any control. You may or may not suffer the loss of a partner. The child has with absolute certainty suffered the loss of her mom.

With luck, the fates may be kind to both of you in time.

How much time did he spend with her normally ? It's going to be tough for both of them getting used to the new normal, grieving as well. Will the DD be able to go to the same school ? Friends / family close by ? There's never a good age to loose a parent but 11 is bloody unfair 😭

This is really not a situation to be rushed and meeting her after Christmas would be too soon under the circumstances.

Considering she took the parents split hard and you've not met her in 18 months, suggests this could be a very long road for you.

Even though parents splitting is never easy for a child, the reason for the split and the way the parents subsequently handed it is a major factor in the DC adjusting....added to this is how soon after the split mum or dad meets another partner.

Firstly @Stantons what on earth are you talking about? I confirm that as a step mum to an 11 year old I have done ALL of the things you gave mentioned with me and/or my DP and/or DSD feeling uncomfortable, and will continue to do the same as my baby grows up. That doom and gloom picture of life with children is not only inaccurate, but it is entirely misleading and unhelpful

@sianlou31 sending loads of love, what an awful situation. of you partner has mentioned you before and considers his DD mature enough, I'd stiffest that he have a discussion with her and get her thoughts. If he hadn't, even you probably have to take a step back and see how things progress for the time being. That said, perhaps it would be good to introduce you entirely as a friend, stress that you are there to help both of them and let his DD start to bond with you... then, in time, he could discuss with her the prospect of you becoming something more permanent.

It's all a risk, and if it doesn't work out you and the kid will likely get hurt, but handle it carefully and it might just be okay.

Best of luck xxx

I actually disagree about not meeting for years etc. I would leave them alone for a month, then expect to see him without her once or twice before Christmas, then very brief, casual meets as dad’s friend. Keep it all very low key and gradual. Don’t discuss any of this with him at the moment - he needs time to get his head round it.

I think you need to give them space right now. It’s an incredibly traumatic situation and the girl has lost her DM and has been uprooted.

FWIW I was the child in this situation- even nearly the same age. I knew my DM had a partner but had never met him. Within 6 months after my DF tragic and unexpected death, he was living in the family home. I still struggle with this decision and feel resentful towards both of them.
This girl is has experienced a huge massive loss and is entering puberty.
I think you need to do the right thing and step out of the picture. This is not about you now.

My friend lost her DM when she was 11 (and her DS 13). Their DF didn’t have a partner for years and in retrospect she says she is so grateful he focused on the girls and their needs and not on dating for a few years. It was hard enough for them losing their DM.

What a terribly sad situation. My dad died suddenly when I was a teen, I hated everyone my mum dated after than for quite some time as I was angry and upset. It will need some professional help and support all round.

Spend an hour going through this course, it is well worth it and it will help you understand the effect something like a loss of a parent has on a child.
www.acesonlinelearning.com/

@whatthehelldowecare are you a full time step mum to a child who had never met you and whose other parent is not only not in the picture but has recently died?

@Stantons no I'm not.. but you were suggesting that for the next 7+ years the OP would never be able to go out for a relaxing meal or sleep naked or snuggle up on the sofa. That is not true .

After the OP is sensitively introduced to the DD and they all begin to get used to each other, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why she can't do the things you've mentioned. Yes it will take time and need to be handled carefully and thoughtfully, but to say that the next 7 years is a write off is bonkers

@sianlou31 I'm not really sure what to say in this situation as I haven't been in it or known anyone in similar.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for all 3 of you and it's obviously thrown abit of a spanner in the works for your initial plan.

If I was in this position I'd possibly be inclined to take a step back (which I know will be difficult) and just let DP console his daughter for a little while and like you say for him to make her his priority and in time be introduced. She may be very welcoming of you and appreciative of a woman to confide in, it might be the total opposite.
I think I read that she's 11? I'm assuming she's already at secondary school so she won't be naive to think you are a friend so that won't work but I'd maybe seek advice from a counsellor on the best way to approach the situation and her dad may need to look at some counselling for her as she's at a very awkward age to lose her mum.

I'm sorry I don't know what else to suggest. I just hope she's ok and you manage to work things out xx

@notapizzaeater - he usually had his daughter for 2 evenings in the week and every other weekend - we are all in the same town so no change to school or clubs for the daughter. We don't live together and I only usually stay over once a month and spend an evening or so a week with him.

@nitsandwormsdodger break up was 3.5 years ago with my partner moving out permanently 3 years ago, so a while before he and I started dating - though we did know each other before. When the time is right I will ascertain if/ how much daughter knows.

@Pinkyxx being "secret" wasn't ideal no, daughters home situation when with her mum was also with violent half brother who was very disruptive, and my partner often had to spend time over at their house calming things down which I think seeing her parents spending time together, albeit as friends, didn't help with her accepting they were split up.

I don't have any children. And I appreciate that some people believe it's best to move on but you don't stop loving someone like that. I'm just finding it very hard going from having a plan and being the happiest I've been in my life to this uncertainty. I'm not trying to diminish the pain of the daughter and my partner but it would be stupid to not accept that I have strong feelings too and am also very emotional after the news.

You’ll be in for a world of pain if you hang out for this

Make a break, give them space, go on with your life and see what happens. Take all the pressure of yourself and off him.

If it’s supposed to work out it will.

You have no kids together, you live apart, it’s not the longest relationship in the world and that’s befor you consider the absolute nuclear bomb that has gone off in your dp and his dd lives.

I know it sucks, but it’s the right and best thing to do for all.

You sound lovely. This is going to be very hard for you, as well as for your partner's daughter.

Please look up "therapeutic parenting". This is a research-based parenting style which was originally developed to help with parenting children who have been adopted/fostered but IMHO (I use it with my own biological children) it is generally wonderful and also particularly excellent where there is any trauma or attachment issues as there will be when a parent dies. Your DP may find it helpful and you might also want to get people's views about how to handle your current situation in a way that's sensitive to his daughter's needs. There is an excellent Facebook group here which you can request to join: www.facebook.com/groups/therapeuticparents

IMO for her it’s going to be like her dad replacing her mum within weeks of her having died.

I know that it’s not exactly the same because they weren’t together any more but that’s not how the child is going to see it.

Be honest, would you get together with a widow within weeks of his wife having died? Because for the child this is going to seem like the equivalent.

I don’t agree with the example given above that you’ll never be able to do anything for the next seven years, not least because most eighteen year olds don’t need a babysitter, but if the girl took the relationship breakdown hard, had a difficult life at her mum’s, and her dad never felt comfortable about introducing you this time is likely never going to come.

I would walk away now for your own sake. If the relationship has any kind of future then there’s always a chance that you will reconnect at some point, but tbh I doubt that it will.

If he wasn’t comfortable introducing you or even mentioning you to his daughter in eighteen months then it’s unlikely he saw you as a serious prospect.

@AlternativePerspective

IMO for her it’s going to be like her dad replacing her mum within weeks of her having died.

I know that it’s not exactly the same because they weren’t together any more but that’s not how the child is going to see it.

Be honest, would you get together with a widow within weeks of his wife having died? Because for the child this is going to seem like the equivalent.

I don’t agree with the example given above that you’ll never be able to do anything for the next seven years, not least because most eighteen year olds don’t need a babysitter, but if the girl took the relationship breakdown hard, had a difficult life at her mum’s, and her dad never felt comfortable about introducing you this time is likely never going to come.

I would walk away now for your own sake. If the relationship has any kind of future then there’s always a chance that you will reconnect at some point, but tbh I doubt that it will.

If he wasn’t comfortable introducing you or even mentioning you to his daughter in eighteen months then it’s unlikely he saw you as a serious prospect.

Gosh, I think that's a bit harsh. A lot of people take things very slowly and cautiously where children are concerned and I think it says more about their respect for the children's feelings and wellbeing than it does about their lack of interest in the relationship tbh.

And I appreciate that some people believe it's best to move on but you don't stop loving someone like that. I'm just finding it very hard going from having a plan and being the happiest I've been in my life to this uncertainty.

I did anticipate you would say this. I do understand what you mean, I don't think a well meaning stranger would have convinced me to give up on my DP after a year with him when I hadn't met his son and had no concept of what being a step parent was like. But in all honesty, if I had known then what it was going to be like even having a step child on a part time basis, I would have had to seriously reconsider things. Your DP will have her full time, she is a child that was considered likely to react badly to you even before, and she will be grieving her mother. To put it bluntly, her behaviour towards you is likely to be terrible, and it will be 24/7. It isn't a very good life, and you would genuinely be likely to have a far better one if you let go of this love and found another. This is what my experience tells me with the benefit of hindsight.

Despite that, I know it would be a huge leap for you to take the word of a few strangers and leave a man you no doubt love deeply. But please, for your own sake, do a lot of reading into what it's actually like to be a step parent. A lot of us can attest to walking into this situation with no idea of the reality and bitterly regretting it, and the reality of this situation is likely to be even more fraught than the average step family

Don't walk away yet, OP.

Of course it's a difficult and sensitive situation. And while there are no guarantees it can be overcome, there's also no guarantees that it can't. You'll have a wait, certainly, but you need to speak to your DP (obviously not right now) and see what his thoughts are.

The vast majority on this board who say they wouldn't have become a step parent with the benefit of hindsight, say that is due to the difficulties the ex brings to the situation. You may have different ex-related difficulties, but they can't knowingly comment on that.

However, you should consider your feelings on being a SP in general. I often find myself reading these boards and internally thinking "if you don't like the fact your DP has kids, what's your plan if he ends up with them full time?"

I say all this as someone who lost her mum aged 10. My dad moved on very quickly. Twice. And children aren't stupid. I knew they weren't friends. But again, a different situation as him and my mum weren't separated.

@sianlou31

It sounds like there's a lot more to this, only compounding the difficulty. I feel for you. You're right you can't switch off how you feel & I can see how difficult this is for all concerned. I don't advocate you moving on, only you know if that's right for you. Relationships can become stronger through hardship - much depends on how you both respond. Think of partners separated during times of war... my grandparents were.... they married on his return. They were married for over 60 years when my grandfather passed..

I agree, don't walk away yet. Everyone respond to grief differently. It's much more likely that she would wsnt her father for herself for as long as possible, but it is not totally unimaginable that she could possibly welcome a kind female presence in her life.

I would wait a few months to see how your OH deals with the situation. This could change him completely or not.

I'd probably give up if he showed no willingness to still progress things albeit very slowly and/or the child was clearly distressed at your presence.

Hi OP. You sound really caring and compassionate and it's clear you want to do everything you can to support your partners daughter without making her feel uncomfortable. I would just say just take your time, your partner doesn't want to end the relationship either but you understand his priority is his daughter at present so perhaps meaning the relationship takes a step back. I think you will be OK, she needs her dad right now and you recognise that. When she is finally introduced to you let her take the lead and form a friendship with her. The last thing she wants is to feel like someone else is taking the place of her mother.. Not that I'm insinuating you will, just trying to get into a mind of a 11 year old. I think you'll end up being quite close :) but it will obviously just take time. X