30 year old SD is making life hell

[thisldo]

Been with DP 12 year. He has a DD who is 30. She's never accepted me and never accepted DP other girlfriends. So nothing personal. ( DP and his ex split when she was 4) I have learnt to live with this but now she is pregnant and made it quite clear she doesn't want me having any involvement with her baby. This is fine by me but I am starting to see it's going to be very upsetting for DP. My thoughts are maybe I should end this relationship so he and his grandchild can have the bond they deserve. Wwyd?

it wont make it easier if hes unhappy withut you though will it

he should be telling his dd to grow up not just accept thats how she is

sorry i missed the update-good for him maybe she'll finally stop being so selfish

Once she starts needing childcare or a break, she’ll soon start changing her tune and will relax about you being around the baby

I think this too.

I was shocked to see you say that she is why you've never married or had kids with your
DP. That is massive. I couldn't get past that.

He said he would never put her before me which I find sad as i believe a aren't should always put their children before any partner.
Honestly you can’t always put your children first. She’s 30 not a 10 year old acting out.
I would draw some crystal clear lines and tell your do you are glad he can see this , although sorry she can’t give him a normal father daughter relationship. Explain your ant what you said though so these things are non negotiable for the relationship to continue: you will not leave your house so she or baby can visit. You will not be canceled on at short notice because she says I know you are going to movies with op but you can see baby If you visit instead ie in the next two hours or you aren’t allowed in. She and baby are not allowed in your home if the condition is that you not be there, even if you were going to be out anyway, it’s about respect. You will not have an adult being rude to you in your home so if that means she can’t visit then she can’t visit. He can of course visit them at a reasonable time if she allows. You will happily help him babysit at a convenient time if he’s allowed to. Etc etc.

OP She has only carried on with this behaviour because he has allowed it to happen. She has traded on his guilt for too long. Their relationship is toxic, and he needs to get a backbone, draw a line and stick to it. You stay well out of it. You will only get the blame anyway.
Don't allow her to spoil your lives any longer

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she changes her mind about your DP (and perhaps even you?) seeing the baby. She’s got no partner, a rocky relationship with her Mum and no good friends. It’s going to be v. lonely bringing up this baby unless she changes her attitude- I hope she does.

I find sad as i believe a aren't should always put their children before any partner.
Sorry Op but I totally disagree with this statement & I'd reckon that this belief has actually contributed to your unhappiness & her behaviour - not a criticism, just an observation.
Imo the whole point of parenthood is equipping your kids to head out into the world as caring, independent adults & part of that is teaching them that not everything revolves around them & that their parents are people who are entitled to lives outside of parenthood & never more so than when their children are actual adults - which this woman is.
I don't mean to sound all Freudian here but I think it's very telling that this woman has no issue with her dm's relationships; has had constant issues with her dad's relationships (despite her parents being separated 26 years); has no partner of her own & is now basically trying to get her dad to leave his partner to assist her & her child! To that end she & your dp have obviously developed a very toxic dynamic over the years which he seems to have been happy enough to facilitate & if things are going to change he needs to face his part in all this.
I would say he (& she) could move their relationship to a more healthy dynamic but it would taste a lot of self awareness & effort on both their parts & tbh she sounds like she is 'too far gone' to want to improve things for everyone.
Given their established dynamic I'll bet he'll start feeling sorry for her in her isolation once the baby is born & you may be back to square one.
I'd really be asking myself if I want to put up with this.

OP, putting your children's NEEDS first, whilst they are young vulnerable, is of course what good parents do (both parents ideally, not having to sacrifice themselves or each other). Putting an older/adult child's infantile demands first above anyone else is actually failing to meet their needs because it gives them a false sense of their importance, and makes them into tyrants.

I'm glad your DP has said enough. I think this bodes well for the future. You and he might or might not have some involvement with the baby, but make sure it is on your terms and proceed with caution.

I am just very soft hearted and always think of others before myself. This is the first time I have really spoke to him and laid down some rules so to speak. He seemed shocked to hear how i felt but I made it clear i wasn't putting up with being disrespected anymore.

I read your posts and I know this is my future with my 20 yo DSD. Everything is an opportunity to control. Despicable that's what is clearly happening here - dangling a possible relationship with the unborn baby as an instrument.

Mine has stopped speaking to her father. She went through periods of agreeing to come visit but at the last minute demand he tell me and baby to leave. He would refuse (I wasn't gonna go and walk the streets at night with a baby) but offer to meet her elsewhere. No. She wanted to be calling the shots.

Similar to you the mother ended the marriage. He didn't want it. It was long before I arrived on the scene and her vitriol doesn't seem personal to me.

Sorry I don't have much helpful advice (it's not going well here given she's cut contact with her father as punishment) but don't end the relationship over this. Is it more that you are tired of the circus you feel surrounds you? I understand that completely.

I told him at one stage I didn't want to get married as I felt it was always gonna be like this and I didn't know if I wanted to sign up for it all.

It was actually a turning point. I think it was because I wasn't asking him to do anything I was just saying "it's not necessarily what I want for my life". He knows I am there to support him but I have stepped away from it all. They will need to repair their relationship between themselves. I just couldn't take the onslaught of abuse anymore.

I think it's really awful if you've missed out on getting married or having children because of his daughter.

I would take the attitude now that it's your home and she shouldn't assume she has free access to it on her terms. I know that won't make me popular here but at 30 she's been an adult for a long time and she is accountable. Tell him to see her elsewhere and don't keep trying to fix things. These are not your issues and you're entitled to a happy life.

OP, I think that you are borrowing non existent trouble. The daughter has made it clear that she does not want the yet to be born grandchild around you. That should be your standard. You will both share and respect the daughters wishes. Your partner is free to visit and spend time with his grandchild whenever and wherever he wishes with the exception of your home.
Essentially, nothing changes for you. You were not spending time with the daughter, and now, you will not spend time with daughter and grandchild.

Share his joy in his having a grandchild. A new life and continuity of a family is a positive thing and should be recognized as such. Beyond that, you have no role to play in the daughter's crazy show.

You are his partner, but you are neither step mother nor grandmother. Everyone involved is aware of those facts. Do not assume or let them try to impose those roles upon you. You are simply dad's partner and that is the only role that you wish to play in this crazy drama.

If your partner wants to have his grandchild child over for the occasional sleepover, he might consider purchasing a small condo. While that seems to be an extreme solution , it might give him the freedom to entertain his daughter and grandchild without imposing upon you.

His love for daughter and grandchild will never be conditioned upon their treatment of you or anyone else. That love is tied to their familial bond. His willingness to impose them upon you should be however very much conditioned upon their treatment of you.

He should make arrangements to spend time with them away from you. It is obvious that you blame the daughter for your not being married. That is not the daughter's fault; that is a decision that you and your partner made together.

Recognize that with the birth of the grandchild, little changes in this situation. It is just a case of yet another character being added to the existing melodrama. Having your partner spend time away with them will give you freedom to spend time with your own friends and engage in your own hobbies. Some alone time can be a good time to become reconnected with yourself as an individual.

@Isthisnothing

I read your posts and I know this is my future with my 20 yo DSD. Everything is an opportunity to control. Despicable that's what is clearly happening here - dangling a possible relationship with the unborn baby as an instrument.

Mine has stopped speaking to her father. She went through periods of agreeing to come visit but at the last minute demand he tell me and baby to leave. He would refuse (I wasn't gonna go and walk the streets at night with a baby) but offer to meet her elsewhere. No. She wanted to be calling the shots.

Similar to you the mother ended the marriage. He didn't want it. It was long before I arrived on the scene and her vitriol doesn't seem personal to me.

Sorry I don't have much helpful advice (it's not going well here given she's cut contact with her father as punishment) but don't end the relationship over this. Is it more that you are tired of the circus you feel surrounds you? I understand that completely.

I told him at one stage I didn't want to get married as I felt it was always gonna be like this and I didn't know if I wanted to sign up for it all.

It was actually a turning point. I think it was because I wasn't asking him to do anything I was just saying "it's not necessarily what I want for my life". He knows I am there to support him but I have stepped away from it all. They will need to repair their relationship between themselves. I just couldn't take the onslaught of abuse anymore.

I think it's really awful if you've missed out on getting married or having children because of his daughter.

I would take the attitude now that it's your home and she shouldn't assume she has free access to it on her terms. I know that won't make me popular here but at 30 she's been an adult for a long time and she is accountable. Tell him to see her elsewhere and don't keep trying to fix things. These are not your issues and you're entitled to a happy life.

I have 2 children of my own but it would have been lovely to have one together. Even if he mentioned marriage now I wouldn't marry him. I feel if I wasn't good enough before then I certainly don't want it now. I don't know where it will all end. Only time will tell. At the minute he's not contacting her at all and said he has no desire to. I have made it quite clear that her and baby aren't welcome in my home and he fully understands where I am coming from. My attitude over the last 3 months have changed towards him. Life is hard enough without petty drama caused by an immature adult. I understand he can't control how she acts but ffs he can control how he deals with it. My main concern is for the unborn baby and the life it will have with such an unstable mother.

She’s going to have a HUGE shock when the baby arrives, Rocky relationship with her mother, baby’s father not around, no friends, doesn’t bother with family, she will have no support whatsoever..... I feel very sorry for that baby

He needs to grow a set and be clear with boundaries
I was just about to type the same thing

If your partner wants to have his grandchild child over for the occasional sleepover, he might consider purchasing a small condo. While that seems to be an extreme solution , it might give him the freedom to entertain his daughter and grandchild without imposing upon you.

What have I just read?

Spending a small fortune on a separate property so he can occasionally have his grandchild to stay? Brilliant. And in no way likely to make things worse or encourage DD’s dysfunctional behaviour. Or just be, well, nuts.

This isn’t about ‘imposing’ or not on the OP. It’s about failing to defend her from 12 years of unacceptable, unwarranted rudeness and ostracism and putting a stop to it now.

@MeridianB

If your partner wants to have his grandchild child over for the occasional sleepover, he might consider purchasing a small condo. While that seems to be an extreme solution , it might give him the freedom to entertain his daughter and grandchild without imposing upon you.

What have I just read?

Spending a small fortune on a separate property so he can occasionally have his grandchild to stay? Brilliant. And in no way likely to make things worse or encourage DD’s dysfunctional behaviour. Or just be, well, nuts.

This isn’t about ‘imposing’ or not on the OP. It’s about failing to defend her from 12 years of unacceptable, unwarranted rudeness and ostracism and putting a stop to it now.

Who couldn’t just pop out and buy a small condo for occasional use? 🤣😂🤣

He hasn't heard from her since the chat last week telling her he wasn't being bullied into doing what she wants to enable him to see his grandchild. He has no doubts that she will be back in touch but said he feels like a weight has been lifted from him. He also said he doesn't feel like he wants to get in touch with her which shocked me really. I thought he would have been running straight back to her.

Perhaps he has finally woken up to the fact that he will never get away from her drama by just going along with it?
You have done the right thing in putting your foot down OP.

@Flowerpot345

Perhaps he has finally woken up to the fact that he will never get away from her drama by just going along with it? You have done the right thing in putting your foot down OP.

Thank you. He actually thanked me for telling him exactly what it looked like. I think he just needed to see someone else's point of view. Wish I had done it years ago. Lol

He's doing the right thing OP. You should have more respect for him, not less. She is a spoiled brat who will never change and why should she be allowed to control and ruin her dad's life like that. I think with an adult child, yes there are times where it is ok to put your partner ahead of them. It's not the same as a dependant child.

The threatening to end it to allow him to see his grandchild reeks of martyrism and pick me behaviour.

I’m sensing there may be another side to this story you’re not letting on.

@TomNooksBalanceBook

The threatening to end it to allow him to see his grandchild reeks of martyrism and pick me behaviour.

I’m sensing there may be another side to this story you’re not letting on.

I am not threatening anything. What do you mean more to it that I am not letting on?

Why can't they see each other without you?

She sounds seriously warped. It's not as if you were the other woman who wrecked her family life when she was small and you've been together several years now.

There's something nasty about not wanting her baby to have anything to do with you for no reason.

I'm surprised someone hasn't given her a talking to before now - her partner maybe.

However your husband can go and see them when she has her baby.

I'm glad he's woken up to her nastiness and manipulative behaviour.

Just as parents and partners can be abusive, children can as well. His DD is abusive by being manipulative and controlling.

She is the common denominator in all these failed and troubled relationships.