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Step-parenting

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Original poster

30 year old SD is making life hell

78 replies

thisldo · 22/10/2020 01:00

Been with DP 12 year. He has a DD who is 30. She's never accepted me and never accepted DP other girlfriends. So nothing personal. ( DP and his ex split when she was 4) I have learnt to live with this but now she is pregnant and made it quite clear she doesn't want me having any involvement with her baby. This is fine by me but I am starting to see it's going to be very upsetting for DP. My thoughts are maybe I should end this relationship so he and his grandchild can have the bond they deserve. Wwyd?

OP posts:

NaToth · 22/10/2020 10:43

I feel your pain OP. I have known my SD since she was 12, she is now 32. DH and I have been married nearly 17 years and, to be clear, I was not the OW - her DM kicked him out at least ten years before I met him.

She has no interest in me, or anything I might provide, whatsoever. She has been passively hostile from the beginning and even now will still not eat food I have prepared, or even drink a cup of tea if I have made it.

Over the years I have hoped that growing up, living independently, getting married, having a baby might change her attitude, but sadly this has not been the case.

Would I have marred DH if I had known that it would be like this? Honestly, no, I wouldn't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2020 10:53

Does she come to your home to see her dad at the moment? If not then no reason it should change now or when she has the baby. Has he suggested he has her over more?

SpaceOP · 22/10/2020 11:02

Honestly, this is so weird. OP, it's lovely that you're thinking of your DH but quite frankly, I doubt that you exiting his life would improve it in any way. Sure, he'd be able to have his DGC over now and again (possibly - SD sounds crazy so I wouldn't want to put money on that) but realistically, how often is that? So he'd be unhappy 95% of the time for the possible opportunity of spending time with his DGC?

No, this is not the solution. If she has said the baby can't come to your house, so be it. Your DH can choose whether or not he's happy to always go to her house or take the grandchild out. But it's really not ideal and I feel very sorry for him having to walk on eggshells around her all the time. I am certain he's better off with the stability and love you provide in his life.

EKGEMS · 22/10/2020 11:14

The last thing your partner needs is "an easy life!" His desire for an "easy life" years ago has allowed YOU to have a miserable life being abused by his bitchy daughter. Has he pulled her up on her behavior and demanded you be treated with the minimal decency you deserve this might not be happening now

Original poster

thisldo · 22/10/2020 11:37

No he doesn't pull her up on it just accepts this is the way it is. I also know she is the reason we have never married and luckily have no DC together. I am mad at him for allowing this situation to still be going on but I don't want to seem as if I am asking him to choose.

OP posts:

WooMaWang · 22/10/2020 11:38

I wonder why you are making this your problem, @thisldo. Your DP’s daughter’s attitude and behaviour and his hopes for a relationship with his grandchild are HIS problem. It’s not your job to make sure he gets overnights etc.

I would guess that the problem is actually that he doesn’t (and hasn’t) dealt with his daughter’s attitude and behaviour and, as a result, has let it erode your relationship in many ways. This is just the latest iteration of it and you are feeling that it’s pointless as it’ll never get better.

He really needs to understand that you are exhausted by this and emotionally you can’t give any more. He needs to shield you from his daughter’s awful behaviour. It’s his job to (finally) stand up to her and tell her that his relationship with you is none of her business and non-negotiable. She can either accept that or she can not, but she cannot dictate where he or you live or try to break you up. He should do this for himself as much as you.

If she decides that she won’t let him see his grandchild, there’s nothing he could do. If it wasn’t this, it’d be some other reason why he wasn’t allowed to. The daughter is a 30 year old woman who has alienated just about everyone. Her father is not helping anyone by continuing to allow her to try to control him.

WooMaWang · 22/10/2020 11:40

@thisldo

You wouldn’t be asking him to choose. You’d be putting boundaries in place and telling him to respect them.

Your entire life shouldn’t be defined by a 30 year old woman behaving like a spiteful teenager. It’s ok to say you are no longer willing to put up with it.

EL8888 · 22/10/2020 11:47

She needs to grow up, especially as she’s 30 and is imminently going to have a child of her own. Is your partner managing her properly or does he accept her shitty behaviour?

Amanda87 · 22/10/2020 12:05

Why would you leave him over that? It seems like a big sacrifice to me.
I would never leave my husband because of his kids, specially if we got along and were happy, all things considered.
Unless he isn't happy and somehow blames it on you. If there's resentment and he hasn't been able to put this spoiled brat on her place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2020 12:07

This isn’t really about her being pregnant. Him letting her behave awfully towards you, his partner of 12 years, isn’t acceptable. You know that.

I think you expect it to get worse and her pregnancy has sparked your ongoing fears about his behaviour. If her relationship with her mother stays patchy or gets worse I think you’re worrying she’ll lean on him more now and that you’ll continue to get thrown under the bus. It’s not choosing, a sensible grown up can balance the needs and wants of several people at w time and that’s the key to blended families - all families really.

Are you thinking about just splitting up ahead of more frequent reminders that he’s willing to have her be horrible to you to protect yourself and finally knock it on the head? I don’t blame you one bit if so. But if you’re honest with yourself, you’re probably protecting yourself rather than putting him and an imaginary relationship with a baby who hasn’t even been born yet. That’s healthy, normal and okay. His relationships are his problem but your relationship with him is being damaged by his lack of care for you when it comes to his bratty adult child. That would take a hefty toll on anyone.

TenCornMaidens · 22/10/2020 12:17

I think AnnelovesGilbert is onto something. I think you're worried he will put his daughter's 'needs' above your needs even more with a baby in the mix.

Magda72 · 22/10/2020 13:26

You wouldn't be asking him to choose - she's a 30 year old woman behaving like the brat her father has let her be for years! - she's not a small child that needs her father!
However, I personally would not want to stay with a man who continued to indulge his weapon of a daughter & who would not pull said daughter up on her blatant blackmail regarding him having access to his grandchild!
He is displaying a monumental lack of respect for both you & for himself.
If that was my daughter I'd have kicked her to touch (metaphorically) years ago.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 22/10/2020 13:33

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who placated a brat like this.

To be treated like this when you were nothing at all to do with the family break up is shocking. And for him to bumble along quietly about it is deeply disrespectful as said above.

rorosemary · 22/10/2020 13:43

Why can't he just visit her on his own? I don't get why this is such a problem. I don't like my dads partner (although I want him to be happy so don't act nasty) and I massively favor to see my dad alone most times. I don't see why you need to be present. And for her refusing to visit because of you, well that's her choice so no action needed there. Can't you just stay together and work around the issues like that? It doesn't sound like a particular hardship for you to just not see her.

custardbear · 22/10/2020 14:02

If you leave him then she's won, and it'll reinforce her bad behaviours

combatbarbie · 22/10/2020 14:09

Out of interest is she married or with impending baby's dad?

WooMaWang · 22/10/2020 14:12

@custardbear

If you leave him then she's won, and it'll reinforce her bad behaviours

I’m not sure this is the OP’s problem.

The best way to deal with people who see relationships as games to be won or lost is to not participate at all. No one needs to ‘win’ because it shouldn’t be a competition at all.

As always in these cases, it’s not actually about the stepdaughter. She’s awful and causes trouble. But all this could have been resolved many years ago if her father had stepped up and drawn boundaries.

She was 18 when the OP met her father - more than old enough to be told that his relationship was not up to her. 12 years later he still hasn’t done that, to the detriment of his partner.

@thisldo It must be difficult not to resent your partner when he’s allowed a tantrumming adult child to dictate things like whether you and he have married. And he isn’t putting a stop to it now she’s trying to determine whether you can live together.

SandyY2K · 23/10/2020 00:38

She was 18 when the OP met her father - more than old enough to be told that his relationship was not up to her. 12 years later he still hasn’t done that, to the detriment of his partner.

I agree with this.

Considering sge doesn't have friends, other family members don't have much of a relationship with her and her relationship with her mum is up and down....if your DP had stood his ground, she would have had to come round by now, or risk having a lonely life without him.

You've put up with it for so long...I wouldn't have, but I don't see why you should end it now.

He can go and visit her and the baby can't he?
Why does he have to get his own place?

I think I'd have lost respect for my OH if he allowed his DD to dictate his life and cause these problems. Does she want him to remain single for the rest of his life?

Does her mum have a partner? Or has she had once since the split?

Not all GPs babysit and it's a good get out...or he can do it at her home.

Original poster

thisldo · 23/10/2020 00:51

She isn't married and isn't with the babies father. We aren't sure who he is.
Her mum has had a lot of relationships and she has accepted all of them. (She seems to only have problems with women )

I have had a talk with him tonight and he's told me he can't take anymore from her. She has been asking for things from him and he's refused, so she's told him (unbeknown to me) that he won't have any involvement with the baby. He's apparently said to her that's fine and walked away. He said he would never put her before me which I find sad as i believe a aren't should always put their children before any partner.

Thanks to everyone for your input and thoughts. It's certainly made me look at the situation in a different light. I am upset that DP has let this go on for so long and I have told him I have lost respect for him. Baby did next month. Let's wait and see what happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisldo · 23/10/2020 00:52

Parent not aren't. Lol

OP posts:

Original poster

thisldo · 23/10/2020 00:53

Due not did.
It's late, been a long day.
Goodnight.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 23/10/2020 01:00

I just want to say I think you are amazing, and patient, and compassionate. I honestly don't think your partner deserves you.

JudyGemstone · 23/10/2020 01:02

@thisldo

Over the 12 years she has done some really bad stuff to try and split us up. I don't just mean not speaking or leaving me out of family invites either. She has told him he needs to get his own place if he wants the baby to visit him. ( he lives in my house ). Ideally I think as years go by he would like to think he could have GK overnight from time to time. My reasons for thinking of ending it is to make his life easier not mine. I will have a talk to him and mention what a lot of you have suggested. On the other hand I feel like saying to her fuck you. It's your problem.

I bet she'll change her tune when she wants her dad to babysit for her, especially if there's no partner on the scene.

Original poster

thisldo · 23/10/2020 01:03

@Josette77

I just want to say I think you are amazing, and patient, and compassionate. I honestly don't think your partner deserves you.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisldo · 23/10/2020 01:04

Yes I have a feeling she may change when she realises how much hard work babies are but you know what I hope I have the strength to tell her where to go.

OP posts:

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