Help! I feel like I have to REALLY try to like one of my step children

[Grannle]

I have two step children. One I am really fond of.

However the other, I really, really struggle to like

It sounds awful and I feel awful about it but I just find him so difficult to be around.

They are so different, I find one of them a genuine joy to be around.

But the other is very loud, shouts a lot, is the naughtiest out of the two and, in the interest of trying to be as honest as possible, I just find him very irritating to be around. He whinges all the time about everything and cries whenever he's asked to do something. He's always shouting at his sibling or lashing out at them when he doesn't get his own way. He can also be rude (to everyone).

I don't want to feel like this and I try doubly hard to make an effort with him to try and get past this but I've just had enough tonight. I found myself internally rolling my eyes earlier at another tantrum over the smallest thing.

Is it normal to feel like this though and can it change?

Don’t beat yourself up, he doesn’t sound very likeable so why would you automatically like him.
I’m not saying don’t try, but it might take you a long time. He sounds extremely indulged.

How old is he?

Don’t beat yourself up. Most kids are annoying in SOME way! Especially other people’s kids!

I also have one SC who is a joy to be around and another who is really not.

It’s ok to feel like that. Unless it undermines and impacts your relationship. Then it becomes a relationship issue between the two of you if there are e.g. parenting differences.

I echo what the other's have said, don't beat yourself up. What does your partner say about him/how is he with him? Feeling like you're on the same page is very valuable in this situation.

It's,some kids are more demanding than others. It's natural for anon parent to feel more attached to an 'easy' child than a difficult one.

That doesn't mean he is less of a,person and indeed, it's not uncommon for the easy child to become a nightmare teenager and adult whilst the other one calms down and becomes a lovely individual.

Even parents sometimes feel like this about their own children, who aren’t always as likeable as we’d hope.

It’s tougher as a stepparent because you don’t have that basis of unconditional love, or the memories of them being cute and lovely, to help deal with their current unlikeability.

It may well change. Children change so much as they go through different developmental stages. He may well grow out of this and become a total joy. Just as his sibling may grow into a stage of being an absolute horror.

Thanks for being so understanding everyone.

I should have given an age apologies, he is 9.

You're right of course that their sibling may turn into a horror, they are older and so there are some teenage strops starting but I don't know, even when they are having their difficult moments, I still find them easier to deal with and I just... Not sure of the word... prefer their personality if that makes sense??

It's funny, I just thought as soon as a read your post 'I bet it is an 8 year old boy'. Having had 2 of those, I can promise they are annoying! Generally loud, boisterous,shouty, say poo and bum all the time. But also love cuddles, attention, love. How about not telling him to do anything and just turn things into a game. For example, mine only brushed their teeth if I said 'right, first one to brush their teeth is the best...or whatever'. Basically with 8 year old boys you need to get silly. Mine loved all those silly knock knock jokes (usually about poo) so we used to have joke competitions. My advice is (in the nicest way) stop telling him to do things, start acting stupid, read him a disgusting book (any of the david walliams ones at his age, just one to one with him - just you 2 for ten minutes). He will love you for it. You got this! X

There will always be some people you like more than others, @Grannle. Maybe your personality does just gel with the older one a bit more, as well as him being a bit easier right now. That’s OK.

I bet you work twice as hard with the younger one so he doesn’t realise you find him so much more difficult than his brother. It’s OK not to like him, so long as you continue to be kind and fair (you can let his father do all the dealing with his behaviour too, while you just step aside; it is much easier to deal with it when you see it as not your issue to deal with).

Does you DH feel that his 9 year old is more difficult? How does he handle that?

One of my stepchildren is much less likeable than the other. Her own father finds her hard to like, and definitely hard to enjoy spending time with. But (as he regularly says) she’s his daughter and he loves her. Given that, I don’t beat myself up for finding her extremely hard work. She’s not my daughter and I have none of that maternal love that sees you through these things.

My eldest DS was very hard to like for several years in his transition to adulthood. He was just awful: lazy, unmotivated, stinky, untruthful, etc. It was not easy in the least. He’s still hard work in lots of ways. But he’s my son and I do love him. What I don’t do is expect my DH to feel the same. He’s never nasty or anything to DS but I totally understand how frustrating he finds him. He IS frustrating. Very. I hope that he’ll improve when he’s grown up a bit more.

I know exactly how you feel
I love both my partners children, but one is a struggle to love and the other one is just naturally lovely

It's hard but normal I think, and as long as they're treated the same, you just have to mask some feelings

Entirely normal. I feel this way about my own DC sometimes. I also feel this way about one of my DP’s DC, who is going through a phase of attention seeking behaviour. Tbh I just ignore it. Why? I know it’s a phase and ultimately it’s not my problem.

Some children are highly irritating. I stopped seeing one of my friends with her children because she never disciplined them and they ran rampage. They were absolutely horrendous to be around and she was completely oblivious whilst calling them ‘high spirited.’

Some children are highly irritating. I stopped seeing one of my friends with her children because she never disciplined them and they ran rampage. They were absolutely horrendous to be around and she was completely oblivious whilst calling them ‘high spirited.’

The attitude of their parent definitely makes a big difference to how easy it is to just ignore the behaviour and also to how that impacts on the likeability of a child.

A difficult, unlikeable child with a parent who is trying to improve their attitude and behaviour is a very different prospect to one whose parent almost seems to delight in it.

My nephews are both Hard Work. The youngest is a complete nightmare. He’s extremely hard to like. But actually, it’s as much his parents’ fault as anything else. Of course he’s a noisy, violent, despot when his parents won’t use the word ‘no’ and just see him as ‘lively’. But you’re not going to start liking a kid that throws toy cars at your head and just mum just remarks how expressive he is.

I totally understand your feelings! I have two step children and over the last four years my 'favourite' has switched and now one of them really gets under my skin sometimes!!! I put it down to the lack of unconditional love which has never developed, although I care deeply and treat them exactly the same as my own. Having been in their lives for four years, my experience tells me that each age has its pros and cons, and it'll be a phase that will pass. You don't have to love him unconditionally so try not to beat yourself up as others have said. Being a step mum is difficult xx

OP, my boyfriend could have written this post. With the difference that mine aren't boys......

My nine year old is neurodivergent and has also experienced trauma, both of which mean her behaviour is off. She mimics people and TV program which causes people to assume she's being rude or taking the piss. She flies off the handle at home really easily but it's actually really simple to avoid most of the meltdowns by a) understanding the conditions and b) adjusting our adult responses to certain behaviours.

OP, I don't know enough about your situation to say whether it's down to something like in my case, but what I will say is that my boyfriend tries to say he's trying his best with my nine year old but he winds her up all the time then reacts like a wound up kid himself when she isn't being easier.

It's like being in a home with three petulant, miserable, arguing kids.

As mother to my kids I've had the years of living with them to get used to their behaviours and work out their triggers and which hills to die on and which battles to leave.

My boyfriend hasn't had that time and also seems unable to get on board the train even going in that direction (I have suggested he could just not be part of our family if he's so unhappy but something seems to be keeping him here).

If I sound a bit off in my reply, it's only because reading your post has made my stomach feel like it's sunk inside me because barring the fact you can spell and use grammar better than my boyfriend, I could be quite convinced you are my boyfriend. In which case I'd suggest talking to me like an adult.

(if you're not then just ignore me)

I'm not so sure it's just their ages. With my own DC, one went through a phase of being a bit of a nightmare, which the other one didn't at the same age and has always been easy to get along with and is generally a peaceful individual.

Children are just little people and they have different personalities.

Some behaviours may be as a result of behavioural disorders.

Sometimes it's attention seeking or jealousy of the other siblings.