He’s always buying his son gifts

[TalkingWounded]

Hi all,

I just wanted your opinion. My partner is always buying his son little gifts, this is on a weekly if not daily basis.

He’s a good kid, not the best, not the worst, but there is a streak that’s not particularly nice. Crying when he doesn’t get his own way then immediately stopping when he does, being quite selfish at times, and a little bossy too.

I can’t help but feel that by buying him gifts when it’s not warranted or necessarily deserved my partner is creating a rod for his own back, and ultimately ours as a couple.

The boy is 9, parents have been split a couple of years now and are completely amicable. I don’t have children so maybe I’m wrong but I just don’t see this constant gift giving as particularly great, especially when it can come after a hissy fit or unruly behaviour.

What do you think?

Also please don’t get angry at me for the way I’ve described his behaviour. It’s tricky putting it into writing but ultimately my partner’s son is generally ok behavior wise with a selfish and disobedient streak.

• [Message from MNHQ: title edited at OP's request]

Sounds like parent guilt to me and yes he is creating a rod for his own back. Are you planning on having children with him?

Can you share examples of the gifts? And are these rewards for homework/good grades/achievements/help around the house?

Son or daughter?

Is the money being spent from shared funds or his own money? If its his own, there’s not much to he done (although agree with you that it’s not a great thing to do and with PP that it’s motivated by guilt). If it’s from shared money I’d definitely have something to say about it.

Like PP says, it only matters if it is shared money. He's probably feeling guilty.

It’s from his money, and not for any reason in particular. More to keep the peace.

He was going to buy a treat for completing a big homework project due at the end of the week but there were tears about even having to do the homework which resulted in a trip to the shops and new toys being bought.

I’m sure it’ll be fine, I just worry about future implications and if we have children together the fact that I won’t parent the same, and also the knock on effect if his child is used to toys and games for bad behaviour whereas our child wouldn’t be.

I’m sure it’ll be fine and maybe it will stop before too much damage is done

You might want to get your title changed. Report your post using the 3 dots underneath it and ask MNHQ.

This is how he parents. I’d find it frustrating too but he’s probably going to get defensive if you say anything and he’s unlikely to change. It makes him feel better, that’s why he does it.

If you’re even vaguely thinking of having a child with him, take a cold hard look at this and anything else that you really don’t agree with. This is his child to parent as he chooses as long as no ones getting hurt, but you’re in for a rough ride if you have a shared child that you already know you’ll want to parent very differently. As I often say on here, one of the positives of step parenting is seeing your partner/spouse in action as a parent rather than trying to imagine how they’ll be as you’d have to if they didn’t already have any. If this is the only issue then it’s not serious but I suspect it’s indicative of wider issues if you really think about it so worth pause for thought. If you decide he’s not who you want to father your future children you’ve got some things to mull over.

I can’t help but feel that by buying him gifts when it’s not warranted or necessarily deserved my partner is creating a rod for his own back, and ultimately ours as a couple.
Is the buying of gifts from his own money causing problems now, or are the problems hypothetical ones that might occur in the future?

Son or daughter?

@loutypips
Is this important?

This is how he parents, and will be how he parents any shared children you have, "because he's done it before".
Do you want to continue/ start being a step mum to his child and parent the way he does when he isn't around?
We're all different but his parenting would see me gone.

I expect it is parent guilt and your partner takes the easiest route, especially if the break up was only two years ago. Even if his parents are on amicable terms it was still traumatic for the child and quite recent.

"He was going to buy a treat for completing a big homework project due at the end of the week but there were tears about even having to do the homework which resulted in a trip to the shops and new toys being bought."

That is ridiculous!

However, you stay out of it as long as it isn't your money being spent. God help you if you decide to have a child but maybe you don't intend to.

It's none of your business OP, are you jealous? Son or daughter, it's quite hard to confuse the two ...

It sounds like he is taking a short cut to popularity or an easy life because his son has separated parents.

I agree I wouldn’t want this for my own children but unless you’re at that stage, I’d leave this, as he’s unlikely to welcome the challenge.

I wouldn't plan a child with someone whose parenting style was so different to my own.

Well quite clearly this isn't real because no one gets son and daughter confused!

Oh I just realised the son / daughter issue with the title :O

Sorry @loutypips!

He is making a rod for his own back but at least by the time you have children together, if you do, he's likely to be out of the toy phase.

Sounds like a Disney Dad