struggling to connect with teen dss

[spiritsoppressivelyhigh]

First time posting - just need some advice!

I wouldn’t class myself as a step-parent as such, but using the lingo anyway. my partner and I aren’t married but we live together and he has a 15yo son who is with us eow, and monday nights for tea.

My partner had a very fraught first post-split year when my partners ex refused all access, on grounds that DSS was emotionally distressed and my partner now realises he waited too long to get court access. its been 4 years since the break up but still v fraught with ex, who blew up all over again when he and i got together. partner got access back 3 years ago.

DSS seems very relaxed, just playing football, schoolwork and seeing his friends, no outward signs of disruption or unhappiness. he’s v polite, complimentary about my cooking, ha ha.

I basically feel as though I’m doing a bad job of ‘connecting’ with him, really. we don't get loads out of him, he’s a typical monosyllabic teen but lights up when he’s talking about football which unfortunately is something i know very little about! teen/my own awkwardness i think makes it more difficult for me to get a conversational hook.

I started off being quite restrained, not wanting to crowd him or play happy families or whatever, and leaving enough time/space for him to come down in the evenings and watch sport with his dad and have time together. thought i was doing the right thing but now i feel the balance has shifted and my partner expects more of me, and maybe I’ve gone too far the other way? i don’t know how to come back from it and very worried a) dss will think I'm avoiding him which is not the case, or b) will affect my relationship with my partner.

DP’s started making the odd comment which makes me think i’m being judged and found wanting, for example, we’re having visitors this weekend, and Dss usually comes on a monday night for tea (doesn’t stay). not realising it was a monday i went upstairs saying ‘ill just change dss’s bed sheets (ready for visitors)’ and DP said, ‘can’t you just wait until he’s gone?!?’ as though I'm desperate to get rid of him.

there’s been a couple of things like that which make me think dp has pegged me as ‘bad stepmother’ and written me off as a long term partner.

i feel awful because maybe i am? Horrible feeling of generally failing and not good enough, with no real steer on how to handle or advice from dp. The other thing is he used to talk about marriage (to me) a lot and now doesn't - so I'm drawing conclusions.

Never been in this situation before so i don't have much to draw on. help! worst case scenario is dss ever feeling unwelcome or unwanted in the house.

You could always try joining in every now and then when they watch football (painful I know) if you feel you'd like to connect with him more, it will always be beneficial to feel comfortable when he's over. But it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong at all so if your partner is starting to be rude to you about it then the problem is him. He should be changing the bed sheets himself, not telling you off for when you do it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you should be bending over backwards to prove yourself, and that it's ok for your partner to be rude and pushy about what you do and don't do. As long as you are nice to his son, he is being highly unreasonable.

You're in a tough place @spiritsoppressivelyhigh & you have my sympathies. But - from my own experience you need to have this out with your dp & have a frank discussion about what you both expect from this relationship & your relationships with dss.
Everybody is different and you will see on here that most sm's aim to make their dc feel welcome while leaving the parenting/intense interacting to their partners.
You don't really need to bond or spend lots of time with dss in order to be doing a good job as a sm. Teens don't generally want to hang out with adults & you wouldn't be the first sm or dm to struggle with teen boy interests but if your dp is seeing this as a lack of interest on your part and he has an issue with this then you need to set each other straight about expectations. Most teens just want to feel welcome, have some nice chats but don't want adults asking them a hundred questions about their interests.
If your dp is rethinking marriage based on his son I'd be wary of that. He son is not a small child & will get more independent with every passing year & your dp is being very shortsighted if he's prepared to shelve marriage over what he perceives as your lack of enthusiasm for a nearly adult child.

@Magda72 @aSofaNearYou

thanks both - reassured! and i will have a frank chat with him. i thought i was doing generally the right thing, keeping it friendly and relaxed. i wonder also if its his own insecurity or worries about DSS coming through. it remains to be seen.

My partners children are younger than teens but I have a 14 year old DS and they can be hard to connect with even when you remember them as a loving toddler! Advice I have seen and which I would say works well in practice, is to be alongside them rather than talking directly too - ie chat while watching tv, in the car. Sit and watch football with them, even if you know nothing, just being around with teenage boys has more value than direct interaction.

I think you are doing the right thing. He's not going to want to watch football with you because you're not into it. It sounds as though you're letting him have a good amount of time with his dad - a bigger complaint would be that you were always there, always wanting to be involved when he just wants to spend time with his dad.

Why do you think your partner doesn't see your relationship as long-term? That's a different thing altogether. What's your financial situation like? Do you own/rent? Did the house belong to one of you originally?

re: the long term thing, i think it could easily be my worries extrapolating into a worse case scenario? he seems happy?

it's also hard to 'take the temperature' of what i should be doing because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this or roundabout in similar situations.

financial situ all fine, him high, me v good earner, i wouldn't struggle money wise if we split or anything. its his house but the plan is for me to buy in v shortly (but reading alarming mortgage news at the mo may delay this).

the alongside advice i think is good, and i think we're doing well and building things up slowly and dss seems more relaxed every time.

@spiritsoppressivelyhigh

You sound a bit on tenterhooks in this relationship.

Do you see it as an equal relationship? Can you be yourself with your DP?

It just comes over like you're scared in some way.

Go out for dinner, I find it’s easier with my own teenagers when we are out of the house. Will also make him feel valued. Ask where he wants to go. Or bowling, or those trendy indoor golf places. Even if he says no, you are making the effort.

Don't over analyze too much. The comment about the bed could have just been in case you SS wanted to go back in his room.

He is atypical 15yo. I found that finishing GCSEs starting a summer job and then college was the time my DS started to open up to me and naturally enjoy conversations. It will come out of the blue and you'll laugh together about it.

Relax, you're doing just fine.

Speak to your DP about this as before you know it his unexplained expectations around his child may well undermine your relationship.

Your SS sounds as though he’s happy enough.As do you. Bottom this out with your DP and ask him what is behind the comments. Sometimes the NRP’s have expectations of what they want their partner to do with their child. Even if the partner and child/ ren are quite content with the dynamic.

Don’t join things financially until you’ve bottomed this out. Trust me.

You have an almost adult DSS who doesn’t live with you and will shortly be a grown up who’s away at university and only visits occasionally. I don’t think you need to worry about being best friends. Being civil is enough.