Sibling squabbles!

[Missboo1]

This is more to rant than anything as it's driving me nuts!

I have a 16 month old toddler and a nearly 11 year old step daughter who stays each weekend. Having huge problems with regressive type behaviour from my SD to the point where she is like a toddler too! We're talking tantrums, snatching toys off the baby, being really heavy handed with the toddler knocking them over or allowing them to fall, and just generally talking / acting like a brat. If we go out she'll find the dirtiest muddiest spot to ruin her shoes and clothes in and then demand she needs new. Also keeps picking her nose and eating it 😱😱😱

Refusing to use cutlery, refusing foods and crying at the dinner table over what I've served, deliberately screaming or shouting when the baby is napping or slamming doors/cupboards. Can't ask her to do anything without getting lip back which gets under my skin as if I'd behaved like that as a child I'd have got the slipper 🤣so I find it really annoying.

I know there's not much to do apart from reassure, so encouraging dad to carve some time out and I'm making an effort to bake with her every weekend.

But omg it is the most irritating thing ever arggghhhhh just hope she grows out of it soon. She's harder work than the toddler and I dress her coming it's like having Tracy Beaker on steroids

Does her dad give her 121 time? She needs to be made special too and now daddy has a new family she is feeling pushed out. It is not unusual for fathers to not see 121 time as important and think his older DC will fit into to his new family. He needs to take her out and do something away from you and baby.

Oh and I would have zero tolerance to the behaviours described too. It is a balance but your baby could be hurt and that isn't something you can ignore

I have just read that your making an effort to bake with her every week. Her dad has a new baby and it's step mum who is making time to bake witIs her? There lies your problem. Not being rude but she Conway the weekend for contact time with her dad.What's dad doing while your baking? He needs to step up and parent his DD and spend time with her

Agree that her dad needs to massively step up here. Helicopter for a while if necessary to nix all the bad habits and behaviours.

Meanwhile, keep you toddler well away from her until things have settled.

Can you sit down in the week and make a plan with your DH - ideally a big chunk of 1:1 time with her as soon as she arrives, preferably an activity - swimming or a grown up Daddy and daughter breakfast/brunch and walk.

And then make a whole list of things they can do together so he has plenty of ideas.

Does he sit and help her with homework?

It's so hard. My elder DD is also like this, and there is no step-sibling dynamic in play. The older child often feels pushed out and regresses in an attempt for attention.

I have tried so many things! and am still trying to find the answer!

A really great book for managing your own feelings about this difficult behaviour is Self-Compassion for parents by Susan M. Pollak.

One thing that helped for my big DD was just overloading her with attention and love, to ridiculous degrees. So hugging her every 5 minutes, noticing what she was doing and making positive comments. She just soaks it all up. Also, I really find that my mood makes the weather for her, so when I pick her up from school I really make an effort to be sunny (even when not feeling it myself) and make random positive comments about anything!

I wouldn't tolerate a lot of these behaviours at this age, I certainly wouldn't be buying her new things after deliberately ruining her last ones. But her dad needs to be applying himself to dealing with these behaviours one way or another, whether that be through discipline or "love bombing".

Another thing I would say though is that should not mean he's leaving everything to do with the toddler to you when she is there too. My DP works twice as hard when SS is here to do what he usually does for DD, as well as the lion's share of tending to SS. He doesn't get a free pass to focus entirely on SS while I pick up the slack.

Why does her dad need 'encouragement' to make time for his daughter? It sounds like you have three toddlers. I don't know how anyone can find men like that attractive.