Renegotiating conctact arrangements - am I being unreasonable?

[Anna8888]

OK - I need some second opinions to get my strength back for the negotiating table (or to decide to lay down arms).

We are currently renegotiating contact for my two stepsons (12, 10). The outcome is expected to be that, during term time, they will spend every Wednesday and Thursday night at our house and every Monday and Tuesday night at their mother's. They will spend every other weekend (Friday evening to Monday morning) with us.

Holidays will be split 50:50, though in reality they will spend a little more time with us as my partner can take more time off work than his ex-wife.

My partner's ex-wife works 4 days a week in a management job that requires quite a bit of travel. She would like us to agree to have the boys whenever she has to travel for work and that her travels must unavoidably be scheduled for the nights that the boys are supposed to be with her.

My partner's ex-wife has a full-time live-in nanny who cannot have sole charge of the boys overnight (she is too gormless). My partner pays the nanny's salary.

I think that my partner's ex-wife ought to change her very gormless (and wildly underemployed) nanny for a more responsible person who would be competent enough to manage the very flexible childcare arrangements my partner's ex-wife requires. It is a pain in the neck for me to always leave my diary open just in case the boys are going to be here and I want it to end so that I can plan ahead in my life.

What do you think? AIBU?

Think it depends on the nanny tbh.

A much-loved nanny who has been with the family for several years, whom the children know well and who is totally trustworthy, is a perfectly proper person to leave the children with overnight. I don't buy the "blood relatives are always better" argument. It depends on your blood relatives and your family set-up.

Having said that, this particular nanny doesn't sound like she's got that status. And a new one would have to serve her time for at least a year, for me to feel comfortable to trust her overnight. But that's just my preference.

I agree wholeheartedly with Clandestine. He's their father ffs. Although from Anna's posts, he doesn't resent having them the extra days.

Anna, it sounds to me like the issue is (or should be) with your dh. If you are the one getting "burdened" with your dh's children, then you should complain to your dh. And he needs to take on his responsibilities as the father. If he is paying for a nanny at the mother's perhaps he could do the same at yours. I had a friend who had a similar problem and in the end she just made her arrangements as normal and when her stepdaughter came she went out anyway and left her dh to deal with his daughter and eventually her dh figured out that she couldn't just be treated like a freely available babysitter. I too am a stepmother and I too was used as the free babysitting service and I too eventually had to put my foot down to keep my sanity. Unfortunately, I didn't do so until I had my own children (and was just too exhausted to take on everyone else...I was also the only one with a full time job on top of everything else) and by then everyone had gotten used to me being on call and it was a huge battle. Dh got it pretty quickly, but his ex never really did and really ruined his relationship with his children as a revenge. (bit foolish because in the end she elminated all the free babysitting instead of just reducing like I wanted to).

Clandestine - to answer your question (which is a perfectly valid one) - if it was me travelling for work, I would always want to have proper, responsible childcare in my own home and would never expect to farm my children out to others, their father included. I think that is a terrible way to treat children - to force them to spend odd nights at odd houses.

I haven't mentioned it before, but my stepsons complain hugely (to me, because I'm the one that listens) when their regular arrangements are disturbed. They like to know their routine and they like to keep to it.

SofiaAmes - well of course I complain to my partner . That's the point of this thread. I'm trying to reach a situation where everyone is looked after responsibly and we can all plan ahead.

My partner has a big and responsible job and travels for work. He in fact is much more in control of his work and travel schedule than his ex-wife, but he still finds it difficult to fit everything in to suit her - which is when I get landed with all the work, which I think should never happen unless there is an emergency/illness.

The issue really is that the mother's job has evolved and she has much more travel than in the past and a busier life, but she has not reworked her household to take account of this (nor checked with anyone that they are able and willing to pick up the pieces and subsidise her lifestyle). And my issue is - how can I force her to do so, rather than be treated as a doormat.

CarGirl has understood my position very well.

Scotia - "he doesn't resent having them the extra days".

You bet he would if he had to:

(a) rearrange our daughter's schedule so that someone could be at home to wait for the boys

(b) wait around at home for a nanny who is never on time

(c) do all extra chores (shopping/housework/meal making)

(d) deal with overexcited daughter seeing brothers extra and not sleeping

(e) having all three children for the evening/night on his own (he has never done this and is totally incapable of it)

etc etc etc

Anna, so despite your numerous posts about how lacking in ability French nannies are, such that you would not trust your DD to their care at all, you are now saying that if you and DH separate you would see your DD cared overnight by one of these hopeless nannies rather than care for her yourself.

You really believe that she would prefer to be cared for by a nanny than by a parent?

I think you might be a little out of touch with what the children in this situation need rather than what the parents would prefer!

Anna, I think you missed my point...I was trying to say that I don't think you can force her to change her behavior. The most you can do is force your husband to change his behavior and hopefully in turn he will get her to change her behavior. If you are laying down laws or rule changes, they have to be with your dh, not with his ex or they won't work (in my opinion and experience).

And just be prepared, no matter what you do and how wisely and kindly you do it, you will be the evil stepmother for it.

No Clandestine - the idea is to swap the gormless French nanny for an au pair (probably male, probably from North America) and a cleaning lady.

Clandestine - believe me, in this household I am always the one fighting the boys' corner against their parents' ideas of what constitutes a stable upbringing.

My partner goes spare over it sometimes .

I would never leave my daughter with a French-style nanny. Never, never, never.

SofiaAmes - it's not quite like that and I am not the evil stepmother, believe me .

The boys are quite aware that their own mother isn't there for them - they are 10 and 12 .

So, what do the boys want? They are now 10 and 12 and can have their say, right? Would they prefer Monday to Thursday at yours? Do they like having the gormless-one in the background?

Surely, given the boys' ages, their Mum's work arrangements, her private life, your DD's needs as little sister, your H's work, your right to having a life: it screams that it is time to sit everyone down and come up with the best arrangement for all concerned.

The ex- is a lucky woman, having you there for her boys but it sounds like the constant changes are hard on them and everyone else. So, go for it, Anna: it isn't you being difficult, it is just time to look at everything again.

The thing is, you can voice your opinion, but you can't make someone else change their parenting style. It's hard to sit back and watch other people not doing things they way you would, but it isn't your responsibility to make sure they get what you would consider a stable upbringing. Maybe their mum and their dad are happy with how things are.

And there is nothing you can do about their mum and the way she organises her life.

I think you maybe need to distance yourself from this a bit.

I do think many of the posters are overlooking that the boys are 10 & 12 and that they would probably prefer to be in their home with their own stuff be able to have friends around - go to friends etc etc etc which all gets more difficult when their routine is changed to suit their Mum's work schedule. TBH around that sort of age their friendships become so much more important to them than being with their Mum or Dad!

Clandestine I would never have a job that took me away from my children, that stopped be being there for them after school but that is me and my choice. However after my husband my (ex)childminder is the person who I would most want to look after my children and she is in fact their guardian although she only ever looked after two of them 2 days per week for a year or so and latterly one school day a week until they started school.

Children doing value routine, being in their home and provided that they like person looking after them aren't that fussed who it is most of the time once pre-teen years are reached! Of course the other big shocker is that often they prefer to confide in childminer/nanny/friends' mum etc etc etc over their parents!

Well, I had a conversation with my partner about this - he really agrees that gormless nanny has to go as she is the weakest link in all our arrangements (he is particularly cross with her current refusal to deal with boys' nits) and the issue is how to persuade notoriously risk-averse ex-wife to do this. She needs help - ostenibly his, in reality mine - to get there.

So I am going to gather lots of info on how she can recruit a male English speaking au pair and he will give it to her and take it from there.

Thank you for all your opinions. These situations are very difficult to judge - the whole reason I needed the thread was to help clarify my thoughts and arguments as there are so many positions to consider.

Good luck! Perhaps he needs to approach the ex when she is in a particularly loved up moment and more open to change! I cannot believe the nanny refuses to deal with the nits - I think I would have that down as a sackable offence - lol!

It's a sackable offence in my books .

Ex is really unable to plan ahead - she just lives by the skin of her teeth, day-to-day - that's probably the real reason the marriage broke down in the first place - so we have to be realistic and do most of the planning for her (eg all the boys' education, medical treatment etc is done by us). I think we'll get there as long as we do all the groundwork for her - which is fine, since I'll get the benefit and so will the boys (they are very fed up with gormless nanny and long for a macho 22 year old instead).

PMSL - in a few years they will be organising their Mum by the sounds of it! The fact that they are fed up with nanny and want a bloke will hopefully go a long way to getting it to happen.

It's really sad though that their mum is so poor at putting their needs first.

Look forward to the update!

Yes, it is sad, and that's why I was very flexible for so long - I felt bad for them, because their own mother wasn't around and did things that she ought to have been doing just to ensure they were done (buy a winter coat, get their hair cut, make a doctor's appointment...). But after a bit I realised that it just couldn't go on like that, that my partner and I were actually enabling her to be an irresponsible mother, and I didn't like that at all - and my stepsons started asking why my partner why our daughter got more love/care than they had/did as little children, which actually is not a good thing. They need to see their own mother in a better light.