Does anyone else hate the double standards?

[EmbarrassedUser]

Just need to vent really as I’m sure we all get this being SM’s! I also just feel sad for my DH. This Christmas, it’s not only his official weekend to have the kids, it’s ‘his’ Christmas. Yet, the ex just breezily asked ‘just checking you’re still having XXX on Boxing Day?’ 🤬

I get that kids aren’t possessions and DH is fine with the kids choosing where to have Christmas. We were very casual and said to the kids ‘just let us know, either way you’ll be having two christmas’s’

What’s so annoying is that the ex just thought it was fine to swoop in like that and take away DH’s time like that. Not even asking, just taking. If it had been the other way round then we’d had have tantrums and abusive phone calls for months. The few times we’ve been late to collect step kids, she’s been angrily calling within 2 mins of our late arrival. So unfair.

Just got to get on with it I suppose...

What did your DH say back to the message? Is it possible that it was a genuine mistake?

It wasn’t a message, it was a voice call. Worst of all, she said it in the car on speaker phone so the SC heard which made me (personally) feel really awkward. It was like being put on the spot. DH said he’d discuss it with the kids, ended the call ASAP and then that’s when the two Christmas thing came up.

Did he set her straight?

What age are the kids? I wouldn't be giving options of where to spend Xmas, if they're under, say, 13?

That had a plan, they stick to it.

Well done on your DH.

My DP ex has tried that stunt on a few things. We just ensure it doesn't work.

She’s always doing this though. The last big one was we happened to have DSS on his 9th birthday and it was ‘our’ weekend. Just so happened that way and DH was super excited knowing it wouldn’t happen again whilst he was a child 😭 (we live 2 hours away) Obviously we can go down but it’s just so nice when you’re all in one home.

Anyhow. On the Friday, the ex announces that ‘I’ve booked laser quest for Sunday so you need to bring him back for 10am’ No question about it.
Plus, she wanted half the cash even though we weren’t invited to the buffet bit. Again, not so bothered that he had his birthday at home, it’s just the HUGE sense of entitlement!!

@EmbarrassedUser

She’s always doing this though. The last big one was we happened to have DSS on his 9th birthday and it was ‘our’ weekend. Just so happened that way and DH was super excited knowing it wouldn’t happen again whilst he was a child 😭 (we live 2 hours away) Obviously we can go down but it’s just so nice when you’re all in one home.

Anyhow. On the Friday, the ex announces that ‘I’ve booked laser quest for Sunday so you need to bring him back for 10am’ No question about it.
Plus, she wanted half the cash even though we weren’t invited to the buffet bit. Again, not so bothered that he had his birthday at home, it’s just the HUGE sense of entitlement!!

Yep its crap. Not much to be done though. Damned either way.

My DB is remarried, but the agreement with him and Ex SIL was to alternate Christmases. These things are better agreed during the split to avoid things like this, where the mum usually decides the DC are with her every year.

As it happens, despite the agreement with DB and ex SIL, my DNs spend every Christmas with DB, because they prefer it.

I must say my ex SIL has no issue with it, as she knows they have a better time with DB...because we all get together and our kids hang out together.

It's best to go with what the kids want...assuming their old enough to say.

In classic MN style, no is a complete sentence.

The response to the original request should have been yes of course, Boxing Day is fine. We would love to have the kids for the extra time in addition to our usual weekend.

We had this with DH ex. One day, we had an epiphany and just started saying no to each crazy demand. It was an absolute revelation.

There was screaming, threats, abuse etc etc. One day I snapped inside and told one of the DSC that I enjoyed the drama and it was better than watching the telly. It slowed right down. Ex was not going to give me any enjoyment so she stopped.

Long story short, younger DSC voted with feet and moved in and now has very little contact (her choice) with her mum.

We had this recently. DP's ex texted to say she was still making Christmas plans and 'hadn't decided' whether he could have the kids or not. She's had them the last two Christmases and had agreed to alternate.
DP just texted back and said he wasn't having that and the kids would be with him (us). She hasn't texted back but he says he isn't worried because there's no reason they should not be at ours.
Personally I would have felt really anxious about that but he doesn't seem to mind.
I agree with above pp that NO is a full sentence but find it hard to put into practice myself.

Recently my ex said he wanted to increase access to our DC (he doesn't actually manage the access he has as he works long hours so no way am I agreeing to more).

I freaked out, contacted my solicitor, spent the whole weekend feeling sick to my stomach, then compiled a long email detailing why he couldn't have them more.

And that was it. He just agreed (at least for now).