To get involved or not get involved

[Lucywalks1984]

So my OH co parents his 12 year old well with the child’s mom, his has his son around 3 days a week give or take.
We’ve been together 6 years.

But he still always sees himself a a ‘Disney dad’ absolutely spoils him and struggles to discipline him as he wants only good times with him.
Even tho he spent lockdown (3months) at our house!

Iv always struggled with this, thankfully he’s a good kid but now he’s getting a teenager it’s getting more tricky I don’t agree with the late nights and being on Xbox all day and hes starting to be moody and push boundaries.

I struggle to keep my mouth shut and privately (Never in front of SC) tell my OH I don’t agree with bedtimes, the constant gift buying (literally he’s had more lockdown presents than my newphew on his bday) I express I feel he’s spoiling him too much and he’s turning into a spoilt brat now as the sulks when things don’t go his way or is this just the teenage years?

Anyway this always causes us arguments, I feel like we just go round in circles and he always says I wouldn’t understand as I’ve never had children myself!

Am I best of just keeping my nose out and biting my tongue?
It’s just so hard to turn a blind eye to it when we’re in the same household!

It’s a tough one OP.

As far as the Disney parenting goes you probably won’t ever get anywhere with that. My DH has been like it for over 10 years 🙄

Leave him to parent his child - he will ultimately reap what he sows.
Save your breath and your energy.

Where I would put my foot down is if behaviour, etc directly impacts you / your household. You are entitled to respect in your own house.

If it all gets too much then when his kid comes to stay I’d pack my bags and visit a friend, spa break for 1 and leave him to get on with it.

It’s a very difficult one. My advice would be to step back and let him get on with it. You’ll never win an argument about it. As PP says, he’ll reap what he sows.

I think you need to distinguish between things that you don't agree with (like Xbox playing) and things that directly impact you (if he is rude to you).

You don't have to agree with every aspect of the way your DP parents but you have the write to pull him up if he is rude. Your DP needs to back you up on this.

Thanks for all the advise! It’s good to get if off my chest and no I’m not alone!

Your right I think I’ll take a step back on those things that don’t directly effect me and just grit my teeth and remember that!

@Lucywalks1984 agree with PPs leave him to the gift buying (just out of interest what does his mum think of it), and the lack of discipline, routine etc, if he's up all night gaming, your DP can then deal with the fall-out of that.
However, I would be explaining to your DP that he is not being rude to you and you expect to be treated with manners and respect.
MY SC fell into this type of routine during lockdown at their mums.... luckily both DH and I agree that xbox's are switched off at a reasonable time so they don't spend the next day in bed, we also only allow age appropiate games. 1. We don't agree they should have 18 rated games and 2. We have younger children in the house who we don't allow to see the age inappropriate material.
Sometimes my SC decide not to come to ours because of this but they are a bit older than your SC .... we knew as they got older they would probably spend less time at ours but it saddens me a bit that a couple of nights a week they can't be away from a computer.

Pick your battles - if DP is happy to leave his son on consoles all day and it doesn't affect you leave it; if DP is spending his own money on his son and it doesn't come out of joint finances or affect your household budget his choice.
However if the behaviour affects you - rudeness, tantrums, laziness then you absolutely have a right to raise this with DP. Also, if there are other children in the house (you dont say if there are) there needs to be compromise and agreement over 'house rules' eg bedtimes screen times etc to ensure it's fair for everyone.

As much as it's not your business how he parents on the things that don't effect you I have a lot of sympathy, I would struggle to be attracted to someone who sucks up to his child like that. I have to respect someone to fancy them.
The 'you don't have children' argument is BS and nasty designed to shut you up fast, lots of people have children and still have backbones. Most people who have children would want them to know how to wait for a nice gift and have a decent sleep pattern for the child's own well being, being popular with a child should fall much further down the list of priorities.
The sulks could be spoiled behaviour, or could be a teenage thing, but could very well be a direct result of too much screen time.

I imagine some people would believe I "spoil" my children. They're allowed unlimited screen time, if they want something and I can afford it, they get it. I cook separate meals for them and ask them what they want to eat each day in manner of them having their own personal chefs , and yet they're lovely natured, considerate and well mannered. My parents used to get angry with how laid back I was but agree now there was nothing wrong with it the kids are fine, it just wasn't how they thought parenting should be done. I think they thought a big part of being a parent was being hard on your kids for no real reason.

I think it's important to remember that just because a parent doesn't do it the way you would it's not necessarily "wrong". It's just not your way.

To: Wolf of the Wesr
My children are treated much the same as your children and they are doing fine. Parents have different philosophies about parenting and yet manage to produce polite and productive adults with these varied approaches.
It is very difficult for some people to accept that their way is not always the only or even the best way.

Children who are taught good values and realize that they are expected to meet certain behavioral expectations tend to do well. It is not the number of gifts that they are denied nor the time that they are sent to bed that matters. It is the values, morals,and principles that are instilled that produces the desired outcome.

@WolffromTheWest @Tiredoftattler

Unlimited screetime isn't a different 'parenting philosophy ' ffs. We're not talking about one parent wanting to raise them vegetarian and the other not.
Unlimited screen time has a huge detrimental effect on children's physical, mental and emotional development. A simple google will show you that. I have seen children having seizures because they are allowed to play Fortnite for 9 hours a day.

That is not good, considerate parenting, no matter how much you try to dress it up as a 'different parenting style. '

I'm afraid I didn't bother to read your post after you swore at me. So unnecessary and meant everything that came after was worthless

@WolffromTheWest at no point did I swear at you. 'ffs' is not swearing at you.

It's a shame you didn't read the rest of it for your own benefit but you crack on with unlimited access love.

Ps)

It is possible that in a home where children are taught self control, responsible decision making, appropriate goal setting and effective time management, there is less need to impose rigid restrictions on children who are taught to self assess and self monitor.

For my teenage daughter and step daughter we do not time limit access to electronics nor do we set a bedtime and to date there has been no need for that. They do not in any way exceed what we believe to be reasonable and they are up for school on time, get good grades, turn in assignments when due, and there are no complaints from teachers and other instructors.

The younger boys have a bedtime but we have the same expectations of them and are also teaching them to self discipline and giving them freedom to make some decisions.
We govern the household by expectations and teaching them to make appropriate decisions and this seems to limit the need for much rule making.

If rigid bedtimes and controlled access were the best tools for effecting behavior, prisons would not be filled with recidivist. They are a prime example that restrictions, deprivation, fixed and controlled environments do not always good and productive citizens make.

Some children may need strict and controlled environments others may flourish without that kind of setting.

No need to be offensive about different experiences producing different outcomes. We can all learn from each other.

Absolutely agree with the above poster and others practising non-rigid parenting styles.
My husband was raised in that 'denying them things for the sake of not spoiling them' way and ended up with low self esteem as he didn't feel loved enough.

Just because there's unlimited screen time doesn't mean your children will end up playing Fortnite for 9 hours straight and having seizures! Must be so sad to live in such a black and white world.

Honestly, you are gonna have to speak up anyways because this will affect your marriage in the long run.
The problem that people don't see is that spoiling a child will create a spoiled adult, and that, my friend, is a way bigger problem to deal with.
Do not lose your voice. That's your home and that kid needs boundaries before it's too late. The father will have to open his eyes.
Good luck.