Struggles of being a stepmum

[Kristal2017]

I’m new to the site and this is my first post. I’m just looking for a little support/discussion as I am the only one in my group of friends with stepchildren.
They are nearly 13 and 11. The relationship has changed over the 3 years me and their father have been together.
We have had many challenges with differences in rules and principles at their mothers and ours.
Most recently the daughter, 13, has wanted to spend more time with us and go 50:50, which has received a lot of push back. But we appear to have navigated it and have a plan to build up to it. Currently we have them 9 nights in 28, so it will go to 14 for her. My stepson is happy with the current arrangement so that’s not changing.
Today we had a blow up where he went to walk out to go back to his mums. Essentially at his mums he can stay up until 10-11 on a school night, as much screen time as he wants, he has a PlayStation there and says he can cry more and talk more about his feelings and can snack and eat whatever he wants.
Whenever he comes here his eyes are sunken and recently he has put on a lot of weight and would be classed as obese.
We limit snacks, bedtime is 8pm with book reading from 8.30 onwards, a bit later on weekends, we had a 2 year battle to get him to eat bolognese and have finally succeeded. I can hide loads of veg in it, the same as my “meatballs”, which are half veg.
My partner takes him to football every Saturday and now Wednesday evenings. We try to limit screen time and encourage some exercise.
Essentially I think he has an easy ride at his mums and he is quite lazy, emotional with no energy (not surprising if he is always sleep deprived).
I don’t think there is much we can do other than continue and he will figure out in the long run who is putting more effort in, even if it’s when he gets to be an adult.
I also feel that there are some financial games being played here where the ex is trying to keep the overall days the same as now to retain her £400 a month payments.
I tried to speak to him very calmly and explained that we are trying to do these things for his health and well-being. But he’s still young. It’s a difficult period at the moment and I feel like there is no appreciation for what we/I do. We have built a nice house and home for them, show them love and affection and help them with their hobbies and schoolwork.
Anyone else had a similar situation or some tips?

I think I would start by addressing the part about not feeling he can cry or express his emotions at yours. I do understand the hardship of managing expectations in terms of screen time, snacks and general behaviour when their other household has much looser rules, we struggle with that with my step son too and I don't think you should change your rules because he is moaning about them. It's in his best interests to have those rules. But the part about his emotions could be something that needs addressing and perhaps his dad needs to sit him down and talk about his feelings.

Whatever wrong with him being emotional? Why doesnt he feel he can cry?
Did all these battles start when you moved in?

Maybe, you need to relax a bit. All children should be able to expect a nice home in which they are shown love and affection and parental support and involvement. These are not things for which children should have to show appreciation. These are things that all children should be able to expect as a normal part of the family experience. Children who do not have these experiences are those who should feel deprived. Love, affection, a good home life, parental involvement should be as routine as the next meal.

Maybe what you are viewing as failure to show appreciation is the children just assuming that the things that you describe are simply the things that good parents routinely provide and much like you would not expect them to view the daily meal as something for which they should give profuse thanks, so too should that not view normal good parenting as a special gift.

Children show their appreciation by treating others well, doing well in school and school related activities, being polite,and adhering to behavioral expectations.

Parents can have different parenting styles and standards. There are no parenting standards or styles that are the absolute and only standards. The outcomes are really what matter.

I would be concerned that the children feel the love and the support in your home, and that they feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions.

If your husband is concerned about his son's health and well being, he should take him to the doctor. The sunken eyes should be looked at and not simply be assumed to be the results of some parenting or dietary failure on the part of the mom.

Your husband is the one who should show appreciation to you, you have chosen to support him as a parent and that's a huge thing to take on.

Children can look back on everything their parents did and be thankful then, it's not the responsibility of an 11 year old to thank their parents for having a decent home.

I should have said he says he can talk more and cry more at his mums. He does talk here openly about what’s going on and his dad uses the time in the car on the football days to get him to open up and he does. After a week with us in the holidays he is more rested, eyes are no longer sunken and he is less emotional, more bouncy and happy.

I am not asking him to be thankful for the things that should be provided. Unfortunately there appears to be a bit of an entitled attitude. For example he has said “well, I always get what I want in the end” and “I like it at mums because it’s easier and I can do whatever I want”

We have been living together for 2 1/2 years and this is a change which has come with age. Possibly lockdown and coronavirus related. In terms of the diet he has said how he is bribed with money to try different Chinese takeaway food at his mums and has been allowed to eat a whole tub of ice cream because he was feeling down

What does his Dad think?

Curious what his Dad thinks? Sunken eyes aren't really a sign of tiredness. The symptoms you describe sound a bit like an underactive thyroid to me - tiredness, sunken eyes, weight gain... I may be completely off, but I'd be taking him to the doctor. My brother's thyroid issues presented in a similar way at a similar age.. If your DH has concerns regards his son's health and / or weight he should take him to the doctor.

Different rules in each home is manageable. My ex is very laissez-faire / loose on the parenting, whereas I'm not. The trick is sticking to your rules, whether they like it or not. Grumbling about stuff goes with the territory at this age, so maybe try to relax a bit and get into debates with him. Once he realizes that what happens at Mums is irrelevant he'll stop.

I think it's obvious he feels able to cry at his mum's and talk more, because he's more comfortable there.

Does your DP get on with his Ex enough to discuss these concerns? Or are they just your concerns and not your partners?

Thank you. That’s a good suggestion about the doctors.
Yes they are both of our concerns. My partner is very concerned.
Unfortunately the relationship with the ex is up and down and not so good at the moment.
For example, when the daughter at the age of 12 had a conversation on social media with a random older man he contacted his ex to try to co-parent the situation. Obviously he was very concerned given the clearly early signs of grooming. The response from the ex was essentially to laugh at him and say all girls and women experience this.

Why are you forcing him to eat bologense for 2 years? Some kids don't like certain foods. I agree with other poster it sounds like hes more comfortable at his mothers.

We’re not forcing him. We are trying to get him to eat more than just pizza, fried chicken and chips. It’s important to have a healthy diet.

@Kristal2017 there's some parts of your post I could have written myself. My SC have 2 homes with 2 very different sets of house rules and expectations. And when I say rules I mean very simple things like you tidy up your own mess, bring pots down from your bedroom, put your dishes in the dishwasher, help set the table etc... they don't seem to have to do any of this at their mums, which is fine, her choice.
At mum's they are also allowed on xbox until whatever time they like, have games that are rated 18, swearing is a major problem with them at the minute. They eat whatever/ whenever they like. Will constantly nag at her until thry get what they want.
One has also put a lot of weight on over the last 12 months or so, will think nothing of taking 4 or 5 biscuits, then going back 10 minutes later for the same.
I'm lucky that DH and I have always been in agreement that our rules are what they are (we have DC together as well) and we stick to them.
I also understand at mum's there's no younger siblings to have to think about but
It's painful sometimes as we're always seen as the bad guys because we have rules and expectations.
I would carry on as you are and just ensure your SS can have sometime with your DH incase he wants to open up about how he is feeling.

@Elizadoeslittle19 thank you for the supportive comments! I’m not trying to badmouth their mum. She doesn’t have a partner, so it must be harder. But I think because of that she is trying to make the kids into her friends, rather than having a parent relationship.

She does do some good stuff. Clearly they talk openly. But SS told me he cries at mums a lot ... why? Why is he always upset? Could it be tiredness, overweight causing hormones, bad diet and lack of exercise. If I slack off on those things I feel emotional!

They do chores at hers, which is great. They don’t at ours only because they are only here for shorter time, maybe we should address that, but we have to pick our battles. When SD is here 50:50 then chores will start. We do expect them to keep their rooms tidy and clean up after themselves.

My partner raised with BM yesterday concerns about weight gain, lethargy and depression being signs of thyroid issue so suggesting they should get it checked. Her response was why, she doesn’t see any issue and just put my partner down. No doubt that will be twisted to SS to be “your dad thinks you’re fat”.

They have also previously come to us saying that she has sworn at them, she has called them “little c” according to the kids. They haven’t learnt that word here!!! I hate swearing around kids let alone at them!

SD had a difficult time a year or so ago when she was quizzing next on things and I think comparing me and my morals to her mums and didn’t like the way it made her mum look in her eyes. I think SS may be also starting on this journey.

It’s just a real shame that despite many many attempts to coparent it is just argued against or ignored. Even about simple things like agreeing to make them brush their teeth twice a day.

@Kristal2017 - my SC mum did the same wanted to be friends with them rather than a parent. She too was on her own, and I totally understand it must be so much harder as a single parent. She has had 2 relationships, both have ended, one only recently. We don't really know much about the first, but we do know that her second partner found their behaviour unacceptable. Im not saying it was the only reason for their separation but I think its probably about 60% of the reason why.
I don't think putting your dishes in the dishwasher, you have to move it from the dining table !! and bringing pots downstairs are chores... it's just what you do surely? Why would you expect someone else to tidy up after you?? Nobody does it for me.
We don't ask them to do washing, hoovering or cleaning or anything.
We do expect manners and respect for everyone in the house.
We've never said a bad word about their mum, the middle one has tried to twist things we have said and told their mum we have... but when she has confronted DH he has put her straight. We've explained that we might do things differently, but that doesn't mean we are automatically the bad parents.. we just approach things differently.
I think in your situation you and DH just need to stick with your house rules. If you are both concerned about your SS health/ weight make him an appointment at the doctors when you have him. It can't do any harm. And as I said in my pp just make sure he can talk with his dad whenever he wants. Good luck.

Admittedly a minor detail, but 8pm seems very early for an 11yo to go to bed.